Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Adults I Hated as a Kid

The Kidder:
This was probably my least favorite person as a kid.  I think a lot of children are fairly shy, especially around grownups they've just met, and I was probably shyer than most.  So when someone approached me and was all "I hate you and I'm going to kill you, you little bastard...oh just kidding! I'm actually friendly, how ya doin'?"  Fuck you, fuck you and your fake anger.  I should have punched you in the balls.  "Hey I like you...FALCON PUNCH!  See, it works the other way too, asshole."  No one likes the kidder.

The Overly Physical Guy:
Oh...oh god damnit.  No you're not...oh god damnit, yes you are going to lift me up.  What the hell is wrong with you?  I'm three feet tall for a reason, I like being close to the ground.  Now you're going to pat me on the head, toussle my hair.  Who the hell are you anyways?  GET YOUR FUCKING HAND OFF MY SHOULDER!  STOP TOUCHING ME, STOP TOUCHING ME!  I never liked physical contact much, so these people always creeped me the hell out.

Sport, Champ, Kiddo Guy:
I have a name, and unlike you, a triple digit IQ.  Therefore your attempts to endear yourself to me with a false sense of familiarity have not gone unnoticed.  You have noticed that I am smaller and younger than you.  Excellent, I have noticed that you are fatter and balder than me.  Shall we commence with the nicknames?

Cop Mustache Guy
Seriously, what the hell?  The only conceivable explanation is a vampire, because there is no way you can look at your reflection and not feel shame.

You're Just a Kid Guy (Actually, Usually Woman):
A disproportionate amount of women go absolutely retarded around kids.  Patronizing, condescending, ugh.  The worst is when they spell things out like you're one of their rat dogs.  Bitch, I came out of the womb reading at a college level.  I can understand what you're saying.

You're Just a Kid Guy Part II:
You're personality is valueless!  It's just a phase!  Look at all the stupid shit you're into!  To be fair, some of this is true.  People change and likes and hobbies go in and out of style.  I used to be a bigtime gamer, and now I'm lucky if I feel like playing anything more than once or twice a week.  But not everything does.  There are things about you that you'd swear had been present since birth, but to a lot of adults your "kid" interests are all just things that will change, that you'll tire of, or that you'll "grow out of."  Fuck em.

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