Friday, June 10, 2011

My Pervertedness (NSFW)

To those that follow me on Twitter, that read this blog regularly, and that know me in person, inevitably the questions has to arise; just how did I get to be this way?  I'll break it down as simply as I can for those that don't do any of those things and are wondering what pervertedness I'm talking about.  I exist as a two on the Kinsey scale, have a healthy fascination not only with sex in general, but with homosexuality and BDSM, am involved in a D/s relationship as a dominant, and the number of -isms I'm into or practice is extensive.  Sadism, masochism, exhibitionism, there isn't a whole lot that turns me off, and even less that I won't at least approach with curiosity.

The conservatives and prudes in this country would have you believe that those things come about through indoctrination, some evil amoral socially liberal influences on my life, but the truth is almost the opposite.  My somewhat religious mother and taciturn father avoided the topic of sex as long as possible with me and rarely, if ever, showed any evidence of their relationship.  Most of my friends were nerdy kids who weren't really concerned with that stuff until a few years after our peers.  I didn't learn to masturbate until fourteen or fifteen, didn't look at hardcore porn until I was seventeen or eighteen, didn't have my first girlfriend until I was seventeen and my first sex came when I was twenty-one.

If you want to point to indoctrination, that is a lot of evidence that damns you pretty far down.  If anything, those experiences were a hindrance to letting my true self blossom.  The short, simple answer to the original question is that I was born this way.  I've given you a rundown of my environment, of the exterior.  Now it's time to go through the interior.

My first sexual thoughts came when I was probably around seven or eight years old.  Like most kids, I watched a lot of superhero cartoons with your typical damsel-in-distress situations.  Unlike those kids (maybe?), those scenes that featured a bound heroine struggling against the clutches of the bad guy turned me on.  I used to daydream about being tied up and I distinctly remember that it made me hard.

Many times throughout my youth I played the stereotypical cowboys and indians games that many kids play.  Inevitably the clothesline gets taken down and someone gets tied up.  Though I don't remember much of a sexual undercurrent to those games, considering the previous paragraph, I think I can assume that it was probably there.

This led to experimenting with rope on my own somewhere between the ages of thirteen and fifteen.  I wasn't really sure what I was doing then, but I knew that rope felt good, and if I was naked, it felt even better.  My first ejaculatory experience came, not during a saucy dream, but in winding ropes around myself and using gravity to cinch off knots and keep me partially in place.  I never did anything dangerous, but I did almost get stuck a few times.

Unfortunately at this time in my life, church-going was at an all time high.  It would be really easy to say that the Church, coupled with my prude parents were the reason that all of this got locked away inside me.  Easy, but not necessarily true.  The taboo nature of sex and things sexual is so widespread a phenomenon that there's no possible way such things can be levied upon two people and an institution.  In American culture there is this aura surrounding sex, that liking it makes you a deviant, and that having a clinical curiosity makes you worse.  And that doesn't even touch on fetishes and subcultures such as BDSM.

I think I was about sixteen when I finally came to grips with the fact that people being tied up excited me and began searching for more information on the internet.  Not necessarily porn just...something to go on.  Unsurprisingly, just about all I found was porn.  I forged ahead, my curiosity only deepening (and my dick growing harder), but because of what society had taught me, I also grew more self-conscious.  I started to get massive headaches that prevented me from sleeping some nights.  Such headaches aren't that uncommon around sexual activity and the causes range from poor blood flow to dehydration to migraine triggers.  But I'm relatively certain my causes were the stress and guilt of years of churchgoing, years of hearing sex being talked about in hushed whispers, years of inadequate health classes, and years of having the naughty parts of movies turned off.  (Hmm, maybe I can blame my parents.)

Fortunately my guilt was fighting a losing battle against my penis.  The raw arousal that the images brought prompted me to search for more.  I found message boards and went into chatrooms and found a few like minded individuals.  As a minor, I talked about things with older men and women that would make Chris Hansen blush and the guilt began to be replaced with something else.  Acceptance.

When I went to college, I was still pretty shy about my sexuality.  There were still things that I hadn't admitted to myself and some lingering guilt.  What college gave me was the gift of a cable internet connection, and through it, almost unlimited porn.  It also gave me an atmosphere of raw hormones in which sexuality was anything but taboo.  Growing up in whitebread upstate New York that seemed too red to be true at times, sex was something that you didn't often talk about.  College was like, "hey we can talk about dicks here?  Awesome!  I want to talk about dicks all the fucking time!"  (Titties too.)

People always point how stupid the "everyone does it" excuse is, but they often miss the underlying theme.  It's comfort, comfort that despite how weird we think we are, there are plenty of people like us.  That's what I grew to learn about porn, and in time, BDSM.  A lot of people do it, and enjoy it, and it doesn't make them freaks, deviants, or sinners, it just makes them people.  I started confessing my love for bondage and found out that while my friends might not have shared the practice, they didn't think it was particularly strange.  That opened up worlds for me in terms of accepting myself.

Right about this time, my clinical appreciation for sex as such a unique phenomenon person to person also started to grow.  I found myself learning about Alfred Kinsey and watching shows like "Talk Sex with Sue Johansson," a call-in show in which people asked questions about sex.  It struck me then that we're all stuck in the same rut of embarrassment and ignorance perpetuated by the cultural taboos that a prude minority have placed upon us.

It seemed a stupid thing to hate myself or feel the need to hide because of something that didn't have anything wrong with it whatsoever, so I resolved not to.  It's absolutely ridiculous that so many people are afraid to ask simple questions about something so important to their well being as sex.  What makes it worse is that the misinformation and ignorance being spread about sex is astronomical.  (There is no ceiling to how much I will blame religion for this.  Think ∞ to the ∞th power.)

I wasn't going to be the jackass that was afraid to ask questions anymore, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the jackass that was too afraid to answer them.  I started consuming every bit of information I could.  The Kinsey report, Sue Johansson, the papers of William Masters and Virginia Johnson, asking friends, sharing experiences, even reading Cosmo.  I've gained an expansive knowledge of sexual trivia and a pretty good grasp of sexual trends.  Not only is BDSM not uncommon, but having a dislike of it actually puts you in the minority.  The number one fantasy of both men and women is to be dominated in bed.  Over half of all couples have fooled around with handcuffs.  It is one of the least kinky kinks in existence.

As my knowledge increased, my needs and likes adjusted themselves accordingly, particularly with BDSM.  Somewhere along the way I learned more about the BDSM lifestyle, about collars and contracts, couples with a designated dominant and a designated submissive partner.  I find myself in one of those relationships, as a dominant with my submissive girlfriend.  It's not something that I ever would have pictured myself doing, but the more time we spend together, the more I realize it fits.

I think the overwhelming evidence supports the "I've always been this way" theory.  It's funny to look back and think about because my environment was pushing me in the opposite direction for so long.  Even now my mother looks at me like I have three heads whenever I mention sex and seems to shift more and more into that taboo frame of mind with each passing day.  (Smart money would say that this suggests some sort of sexual mistake in my parents' past that led to the taboo-ifying of sex, but my parents were 30 and 31 and married for seven years when they had me, not exactly an oopsie situation.)  But it's a good thing because I am what I am now in spite of my environment, and with that struggle has come not only confidence, but the ability to ferret out and surround myself with like minded people.  The days of sitting around, wondering helpelessly about things like BDSM and sex are long, long behind me as are the days of putting up a vanilla front for fear of freaking out potential dates.  Somehow "I'd like to tie you up sometime" has gone from landing me restraining orders and jailtime to landing me a girlfriend and I've gone from being a dumb little kid who barely knew his way around his own boner to the one that people come to for sexual advice.

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