Monday, June 20, 2011

Aloe: The Illuminati Scam

I have the unfortunate combination of being really pale and really forgetful, which leads to me being out in the sun without sunscreen on occasion.  I'm also really sensitive to cold and wind so I'm usually more covered than everyone else, but inevitably I get burnt.

I don't have a problem with sunburn, the pain is at such a low level that it doesn't really register with me.  What I do have a problem with is my body's stupid tendency to follow sunburn pain with a day of searing, constant, unstoppable itching.  And it isn't even consistent.  Face?  Never itched.  Legs?  Never itched.  Stomach?  Never itched.  Neck?  Never itched.  Back and arms?  Always itch with the power of a thousand mosquito bites.

So like a dumbass I apply moisturizer with aloe vera to these wounds because the bottle is all "herpity derpity this is good for your skin!"  Not only is applying that stuff akin to rolling around in phlegm, but it doesn't fucking work.  No...it anti-works.  It makes the itching worse.  And I know, itching is a sign that it's healing, yay!  Fuck my body, it can take an extra goddamn day to heal and not itch.

You know what I've found does work to combat the itching?  Fire.  Scalding testicle combusting water heated by fire or a fire substitute.  You want to fuck around with me itching?  Meet your older brother, Pain.  I'm a lot better friends with him than I am with you, and given the choice, I'm letting him kick your ass.  At the very least I have to put up with actual legitimate burns instead of burn wannabe sunburn and at the most it works a hell of a lot better to soothe my skin than fucking aloe vera which is probably a solution of lemon juice, salt, and asbestos.  I just popped out of a hot shower and...hey!  No itching!

Fuck you Aloe.

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