Monday, May 2, 2011

BDSM: Fantasy and the Real World (NSFW)

There is often (but not always) a difference between a fantasy and the reality.  This is perhaps most apparent when it comes to sexuality.  We build up things that we haven't done in our own heads, painting a very ideal picture of an act or a person, and often the reality, that there is good and bad in everything, is a harsh blow (and not the erotic kind).

For whatever reason, this disconnect seems more apparent in the world of BDSM.  As a member of a few BDSM social networking and personals sites, it can be stunning how many people there are that have a wholly unrealistic view of BDSM as a whole, or what a BDSM relationship often entails.  This is not to say that there isn't someone out there to fulfill most fantasies, but for all intents and purposes an extreme viewpoint is going to have to settle for less than perfection.

I think that there are certain things to each person that work better as scenes or ideas than as reality.  We explore these notions in our heads, and perhaps even online with others because these are safe ways in which to explore that fantasy.  Moreover we can assume a certain elemnt of control (even if the fantasy is losing it) and keep things adhereing as closely as possible to that picture in our heads.

The world of BDSM is a harsh world, full of people that are accepting of ideas that others might consider to be taboo.  So it stands to reason that the fantasies might be a bit more extreme, and thus unrealistic than normal sexual fantasies.  Unfortunately the recognization of this phenomenon is no more common than it would be among "normal" people.  The discreppancy that I have most encountered is the amount of control that a Dom or Domme thinks they can assert over a submissive.  Yes, this is world of  superiors and inferiors, and there are those that can accept a total loss of control, but realisticly everyone has a line that they draw.

I describe myself as around 80% dominant and 20% submissive and have been in a BDSM-lifestyle relationship as a Dominant with my girlfriend for a few months now.  It is my first relationship with someone who had even a passing interest in BDSM, let alone a full immersion in the culture so despite a longtime interest in BDSM, practically speaking I'm still a beginner.  I'm a pretty laid back and confident person so I have a very hands-off method of control, and I'm content to simply know I'm in control without needing to see constant evidence in the way of a lot of protocol.  So in the domination sense, things have gone as well as I could have expected, perhaps even better.  Probably the biggest discreppancy I've found has been in what BDSM positions work well, and work well in conjunction with certain sexual acts.  Porn makes everything look so easy, but I know now that certain ties are simply not very condusive to sex despite what Kink.com might lead you to believe.

Most of the time when something doesn't live up to expectations it's more amusing to me than disappointing.  When something falls so flat, I just have to laugh at myself for being so unrealistic.  Getting mad is often a fruitless and ultimately time-wasting exercise so I try to avoid it if possible.  Especially when the only logical source for my ire would be myself for not being a bit smarter.

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