Friday, April 22, 2011

The NHL - What Teams You Should Hate

I'll start off by saying that I tired to look at this from an objective perspective. I know specifics are going to be different based on who you root for, what those rivalries are, and what qualities you find to be distasteful. So I tried to take off my fan hat and look at this from perspectives around the league.  And obviously I can't possibly know everything about every team so some of these will be more accurate than others.

That having been said, I determined hate by summing the rankings in six categories. Those categories and the basis for them are below:

Talent (out of 5) - Because we hate teams that are better than our team.
Dirtiness (out of 5) - Because we hate teams that injure other players.
Fan Douchery (out of 5) - Because we hate assholes.
Fan Bandwagonry (out of 5) - Because we hate teams with fair weather fans.
Recent History (out of 5) - Because we hate teams that have won cups recently.
Hatable Players (1+ number of hatable players) - Because the biggest factor in hating a team is the douchebags they employ. (Whether we hate them because they're dirty, because they're good, because they fight, or because they just look like a royal asshole.)

Counting down...

#30 - Edmonton Oilers

Talent (1) - The Oilers suck.
Dirtiness (5) - But they do rack up a ton of penalties.
Fan Douchery (3) - This is a passionate Canadian fanbase...they have their fair share.
Recent History (2) - They lost a cup because their goalie got hurt. Ouch.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - It's Canada. Enough said.
Hatable Players (2) - Theo Peckham racking up the fighting majors.

Total - 14

#29 - Nashville Predators
Talent (4) - While not flashy, Pekka Rinne and their defense make them a contender.
Dirtiness (1) - Among the fewest penalty minutes in the league.
Fan Douchery (2) - Relatively harmless southern market.
Recent History (3) - A few playoff years, nothing awful, nothing spectacular.
Fan Bandwagonry (2) - The attendance is growing and the diehards are a force. One of the very few southern markets that doesn't see it's numbers greatly bolstered by transplants and travelers when they play northern teams.
Hatable Players (2) - Jordin Tootoo

Total - 14

#28 - Florida Panthers
Talent (2) - Florida sucks.
Dirtiness (1) - Another team that had very few PIM.
Fan Douchery (2) - What fans?
Recent History (1) - About that...
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - I don't know if it's bandwagonry or just plain sucking.
Hatable Players (3) - Marty Reasoner, Darcy Hordichuk

Total - 14

#27 - Minnesota Wild
Talent (3) - Always capable of just missing the playoffs.
Dirtiness (3) - Not a lot of penalties but...Cal Clutterbuck.
Fan Douchery (3) - A northern market, but by all accounts a decently benign one.
Recent History (2) - Not much to cheer about.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Legit.
Hatable Players (3) - Cal Clutterbuck, Brad Staubitz.

Total - 15

#26 - Atlanta Thrashers
Talent (3) - Better than I gave them credit for...but not by much.
Dirtiness (2) - Shrug.
Fan Douchery (2) - Every team got a two or above because every team has asshole fans. Some just have more assholes than others.
Recent History (1) - See Panthers, Florida.
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - I feel like this should have been bandwagonry/suckitude.
Hatable Players (2) - Patrice Cormier (unless you're in the KKK then there's like five more).

Total - 15

#25 - Calgary Flames
Talent (3) - Iginla and meh.
Dirtiness (2) - Would be a 1 if Iginla would remove his fag visor when he fights.
Fan Douchery (3) - Lambert is only one guy...
Recent History (4) - Recent cup finals appearance and a few playoff seasons bumps this up.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - One of the best Canadian markets.
Hatable Players (3) - Tim Jackman, Cory Sarich.

Total - 16

#24 - Columbus Blue Jackets
Talent (3) - Rick Nash and a cesspool.
Dirtiness (4) - Columbus likes penalties.
Fan Douchery (3) - It's Ohio...but they just don't have that many...
Recent History (1) - As abortive as their past logos.
Fan Bandwagonry (2) - Columbus fans are passionate, see Ohio State, but even they don't want to watch the shitty Blue Jackets.
Hatable Players (3) - Jared Boll, Scottie Upshall. Having a former Flyer does not help your case.

Total - 16

#23 - St. Louis Blues
Talent (3) - Outside of Backes, how many Blues can you name?
Dirtiness (5) - This team likes to fuck you up.
Fan Douchery (3) - Better support than their latitude indicates.
Recent History (1) - Yeah...
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Suprisingly passionate.
Hatable Players (4) - Cam Janssen, B.J. Crombeen, Brad Winchester

Total - 17

#22 - Colorado
Talent (2) - Honestly I feel like this should be higher, but they sucked pretty out of control this year.
Dirtiness (3) - Nothing special here.
Fan Douchery (3) - Meh.
Recent History (5) - Patrick Roy and the garage full of cups...
Fan Bandwagonry (3) - Definitely not the hottest ticket in town if they aren't winning trophies.
Hatable Players (2) - Cody McLeod. Honestly I have no idea, but McLeod had a bunch of fights.

Total - 18

#21 - Buffalo Sabres
Talent (4) - Just a cut below the cup contenders.
Dirtiness (2) - High on minor penalties, but one of a very few teams to log zero game misconducts.
Fan Douchery (3) - Despite what Canes fans will to tell you, Buffalo has a pretty average amount of drunk idiots.
Recent History (3) - Some playoff appearances and a few decent runs, but no hardware.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Best American fanbase.
Hatable Players (5) - Look, everyone hates Patrick Kaleta and a lot find Nathan Gerbe to be really annoying and Tyler Myers to be brutish. I don't really know if people hate Cody McCormick, but I figured I'd let him join the party.

Total - 18

#20 - Dallas Stars
Talent (3) - Until Brad Richards leaves.
Dirtiness (3) - Run of the mill.
Fan Douchery (2) - Probably should be higher because it's Texas...
Recent History (5) - No Goal.
Fan Bandwagonry (3) - One of the better southern draws, but nothing spectacular.
Hatable Players (3) - Steve Ott, Krys Barch.

Total - 19

#19 - Toronto Maple Leafs (I know, I know, but they're hard to hate because they suck so bad.)
Talent (3) - Never as high as Leafs fans think.
Dirtiness (2) - Not good enough to be dirty.
Fan Douchery (5) - They'd be the apex of fan douchery if Pennsylvania and Quebec didn't exist.
Recent History (2) - Losers since '47.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Their fans get screwed so hard the entire operation might as well be considered a scam...and yet they still show up.
Hatable Players (6) - Mike Brown, Colby Armstrong, Phil Kessel, Colron Orr, Dion Phaneuf.

Total - 19

#18 - Phoenix Coyotes/Winnipeg Jets
Talent (4) - Not good enough to beat Detroit plus two officials.
Dirtiness (2) - Doan is a prick, but they still don't take too many penalties.
Fan Douchery (2) - Ask me in Winnipeg.
Recent History (3) - Maybe this should be a one because of the ownership issues?
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - Sorry.
Hatable Players (4) - Shane Doan, Ryan Hollweg, Ed Jovanovski

Total - 20

#17 - Chicago Blackhawks
Talent (4) - Last year it was a five.
Dirtiness (1) - Among the fewest penalties in the league.
Fan Douchery (4) - Plenty of assholes.
Recent History (4) - No explanation necessary.
Fan Bandwagonry (3) - Cup win saw huge boon.
Hatable Players (3) - Patrick Kane, Maid Marian Hossa. A rare instance in which neither is hated because they play dirty. They're hated because people think they're assholes. They probably are.

Total - 20

#16 - Ottawa Senators
Talent (2) - Where goaltending goes to die.
Dirtiness (4) - They have Chris Neil...
Fan Douchery (3) - Probably one of the more pleasant Canadian fanbases.
Recent History (4) - Tough call. Cup finals appearance and loads of talented teams.
Fan Bandwagonry (3) - The worst Canadian market.
Hatable Players (4) - Daniel Alfredsson, Chris Neil, Matt Carkner.

Total - 20

#15 - Los Angeles Kings
Talent (4) - I still think Quick sucks.
Dirtiness (3) - Meh.
Fan Douchery (4) - LA is rife with douchebags. Just playing the odds here.
Recent History (3) - Nothing special.
Fan Bandwagonry (3) - Better than Anaheim...not saying much.
Hatable Players (4) - Ryan Smyth, Justin Williams, Kyle Clifford. Buy a goddamn vowel for your last name Smyth.

Total - 21

#14 - Detroit Red Wings
Talent (5) - Kind of obvious here...
Dirtiness (1) - Hard to be dirty when your team has seven testicles distributed between 25 players.
Fan Douchery (5) - That Hockeytown bullshit has given them a huge entitlement/superiority complex.
Recent History (5) - Wahh, we have too many cups, wahhh.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Good ratings, good attendance. Not the best, but good.
Hatable Players (4) - Tomas Holmstrom, Todd Bertuzzi, Niklas Kronwall. I don't like their Smart Car full of Euros either, but I doubt many people share my hatred of Datsyuk.

Total - 21

#13 - Tampa Bay Lightning
Talent (4) - Hi my name is Vinny Lecavalier and my contract almost single handedly destroyed my team. In a few years I will be passing that torch to my buddy Stamkos.
Dirtiness (2) - Not a lot of penalties, Downie aside.
Fan Douchery (2) - Know a few Lightning fans by association. They seem cool.
Recent History (5) - Making Lambert weep is kind of delightful.
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - Strongest hockey market in Florda!
Hatable Players (3) - Vincent Lecavalier, Steve Downie. Some people might question Lecavalier, and I like him, but he does a lot of things that are dirty as fuck.

Total - 21

#12 - Montreal Canadiens
Talent (4) - If the team was a little better and their last cup didn't come almost twenty years ago they might be higher.
Dirtiness (4) - One of the dirtiest teams in the league that no one knows about.
Fan Douchery (5) - LET'S BURN THINGS!
Recent History (4) - A bunch of playoff appearances. I could knock this down since Patrick Roy took a big shit on their city....but I won't.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - No explanation necessary.
Hatable Players (3) - Scott Gomez, Pernell Subban. I'm sure Boston fans can come up with twenty more, but I was looking over their roster and shrugging a lot.

Total - 21

#11 - New Jersey Devils
Talent (4) - Way better than they showed for half the season.
Dirtiness (1) - Patrick Elias is so nice. I'd let him babysit my dog.
Fan Douchery (3) - Echo...echo...echo... The Prudential Center on game night.
Recent History (5) - Killing hockey and winning since 1990-something.
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - If a bunch of Cups won't fill the seats, nothing will.
Hatable Players (3) - Ilya Kovalchuk, David Clarkson. It's too bad Kovalchuk doesn't have the intensity of, say, everyone on the Penguins. Dude would be unstoppable. Instead he has the intensity of Mr. Rogers.

Total - 21

Ah the top ten. The biggest shitbag teams in the NHL. Fuck these guys.

#10 - San Jose Sharks
Talent (5) - Ridiculous longevity as a good team.
Dirtiness (3) - Kind of have to be a little bit if you play Anaheim six times a year.
Fan Douchery (3) - Throwing a dead Shark eating an Octopus onto the ice against Detroit was an awesome kind of douchery.
Recent History (4) - Eventual choking does not erase the fact that you've made the playoffs as a high seed each of the last eleventy million years.
Fan Bandwagonry (4) - Almost always a top ten market.
Hatable Players (6) - Ben Eager, Dany Heatley, Dan Boyle, Kyle Westgarth, Jamal Mayers.

Total - 22

Final Thoughts: I don't hate San Jose personally, but I know they're hated. They have to be. They're the best fanbase in their division by such a ridiculous margin, I just know that Phoenix, Dallas, Los Angeles, and Anaheim have serious Shark rage that is only sated by the fact that they're a perennial playoff failure.


#9 - Carolina Hurricanes
Talent (3) - It's Eric Staal, Cam Ward, Jeff Skinner, and a bunch of girl scout skating badge failures.
Dirtiness (2) - Unless you're talking about their fans.
Fan Douchery (5) - I'm white so they treat me pretty well.
Recent History (5) - One cup erases a lot of crappy seasons.
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - Show the fuck up losers.
Hatable Players (3) - Eric Staal, Troy Brodie. I have no idea who Brodie is, I just saw his name on hockeyfights.com. It's funny because everyone hates Eric Staal and aside from the blatant unforgivable diving the only real reason is that he just looks like a shitbag. All the Staal brothers do. They have the kind of face that says "punch me right now, I deserve it."

Total - 22

Final thoughts: The Hurricanes couple the most undeserved Stanley Cup in the history of hockey with the most randomly unlikable player in the league with fans that have a huge jealousy boner because they suck too much to be able to fill up their building and keep opposing fans out. Their place on this list is well earned.


#8 - New York Rangers
Talent (4) - Store bought, often defective.
Dirtiness (4) - The Rangers play like dicks, most likely a product of their division.
Fan Douchery (5) - I've only seen fans get kicked out of a hockey game twice, and one of those instances involved Rangers fans.
Recent History (3) - They won a cup a while ago or something, I don't know.
Fan Bandwagonry (2) - The history of the building is as much a draw as the team itself. If there weren't simply a billion goddamn people in NYC, they wouldn't sell out.
Hatable Players (4) - Sean Avery, Maid Marian II Gaborik, Brandon Prust

Total - 22

Final Thoughts: The Rangers are like the New York Yankees of the NHL if the Yankees sucked. Not only do they waste time chasing high profile free agents, but anyone that goes to their team immediately becomes at least 30% less likable just because of the jersey they put on.

#7 - Vancouver Canucks
Talent (5) - There are TWO WHOLE SEDINS!
Dirtiness (3) - They only picked up Lapierre at the trade deadline.
Fan Douchery (3) - The green men are awesome, but I'm sure their rivals hate them.
Recent History (4) - Trying to out choke San Jose every year is hard work.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Strong market.
Hatable Players (7) - Alex Burrows, Raffi Torres, Maxim Lapierre, Jannik Hansen, Roberto Luongo, Tanner Glass. The Canucks were hurt by the fact that they seem to be massing shitbags at a frightening rate. First Raffi Torres, then Maxim Lapierre? Who's next, Chris Neil?

Total - 23

Final Thoughts: I'm not sure if I find the Sedins' disturbing need to play together endearing, creepy, or a little douchey. Like the Staals, they get some ire because they look like they're going to kidnap your child and Eiffel Tower them, but I don't think they're really hated as players. Another team that seems to have slid into the perfect spot.

#6 - Washington Capitals
Talent (5) - How do you say talent in Russian?
Dirtiness (2) - Even with Ovechkin's annual ejection the Caps don't really do a lot.
Fan Douchery (4) - Meh.
Recent History (4) - Sucking before they got Ovechkin does not cancel out them having Ovechkin. Being one of the NHL's darlings bumps this up.
Fan Bandwagonry (4) - T'was crickets in the Verizon Center until #8 arrived.
Hatable Players (6) - Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Mike Green, Matt Hendricks, Matt Bradley. I'm sure Green is an okay guy, he just looks like such an asshole.

Total - 25

Final Thoughts: I have days where I'm like "that guy is awesome" and days where I'm like "that guy is a bag of chode-like dicks" with both Ovechkin and Semin. I'm sure there are plenty of people that want to plant a boot in the ugly mug of #8, or are hoping he cheapshots another Sabre and there isn't a ref to stop Paul Gaustad from murdering him.

Down to the top five. If you see a fan in any of the following colors walking on the street, take a dump on them and their dog.

#5 - New York Islanders
Talent (2) - Maybe if Rick Dipietro wasn't made out of paper mache and old newspapers.
Dirtiness (5) - One of the top two dirtiest teams in the league, and perhaps #1.
Fan Douchery (5) - The only thing that doesn't make the suckitude of these people more apparent is the fact that there aren't that many of them.
Recent History (1) - And probably getting worse.
Fan Bandwagonry (2) - They just don't show up.
Hatable Players (10) - Pretty much everyone. Josh Bailey, Michael Haley, Zenon Konopka, Trevor Gillies, Matt Martin, Travis Hamonic, Trent Hunter... poor Michael Grabner.  Grabner being on the Islanders is like dropping Mr. Rogers off at the Westboro Baptist Church.

Total - 25

Final Thoughts: Islanders fans are disgusting, but luckily an endangered species. I feel for them in that they had a juggernaut of a team destroyed by Mike Milbury (even Rangers fans shed a tear for this), but that was a long time ago. Hey, at least Matt Moulson's mom is relatively nice.

#4 - Philadelphia Flyers
Talent (5) - Goaltending notwithstanding.
Dirtiness (4) - They're bad, but there are a few teams that are just a cut above. Sorry Philly, you're slipping.
Fan Douchery (5) - Those guys are pricks, luckily they probably can't read this.
Recent History (4) - Sucking for a year does not excuse all the playoff teams.
Fan Bandwagonry (1) - Probably the second or third best American fanbase in terms of loyalty. Too bad they're assholes.
Hatable Players (7) - Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, Scott Hartnell, Daniel Briere, Chris Pronger, Daniel Carcillo.

Total - 26

Final Thoughts: I hate the Philly fans way more than I hate the team. Those people are so despicable they need to be euthanised, and yet they're not the worst fans in the league, which is kind of amazing. The team overall might be a little low at number four, but I am okay with the three teams above them.

#3 - Anaheim Ducks
Talent (4) - Poor Jonas Hiller.
Dirtiness (5) - When your top line is your asshole line and not your fourth line...
Fan Douchery (4) - I've had a few of shitty experiences with Ducks fans, which is kind of surprising because there are like four of them.
Recent History (5) - Beating Ottawa and exposing Ray Emery was poetic, but I still hate you.
Fan Bandwagonry (5) - Didn't even get enough fans to hold a Stanley Cup parade. Sad.
Hatable Players (5) - Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry, Jarkko Ruutu, Jesse Winchester.

Total - 28

Final Thoughts: In addition to being a team full of shitbags in a city that doesn't appreciate hockey, the Ducks also boast the most obnoxious and biased announcing duo and yes I am aware that Jack Edwards exists. I don't even know their names, but I'm pretty sure they're Rectal St. Cock-warbler, and Hymen von Smellslikeass. And now back to you Hymen...

#2 - Boston Bruins
Talent - (4) - Just a smidge below greatness.
Dirtiness (5) - Ask Max Pacioretty.
Fan Douchery (5) - The Bruins fans I know personally are great guys, but I'm pretty well traveled among team sites and message boards, and NOBODY complains as much as Bruins fans do. It's probably because of the overlap with bandwagon Red Sox fans and whiney Patriots fans. And Bill Simmons.
Recent History (4) - Last year's collapse was hilarious. Come on, they made history! That's good, right?
Fan Bandwagonry (2) - Good fanbase, but they're no Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Detroit, or Philadelphia.
Hatable Players (9) - Zdeno Chara, Milan Lucic, Brad Marchand, Nathan Horton, The Crappy Thornton, Johnny Boychuk, Adam McQuaid, Gregory Campbell. Chara's ugly face alone is worth ten guys. What's the over under on Chara-Lucic combined IQ? 29?

Total - 29

Final Thoughts: Another team that, like Anaheim, boast an incredibly obnoxious announcing team. I mean really how can you think of Boston and not be filled with blinding hate? LEARN TO SAY THE GODDAMNED LETTER 'R!' Jesus Christ, it's like the Jersey Shore accent, but worse.

AND NOW, YOUR NUMBER ONE MOST HATE WORTHY TEAM IN THE ENTIRE NHL...

#1 - THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS! Holy shit, where to begin?

Talent (5) - It definitely doesn't help that they sucked for a million years and got a bajillion number one draft picks. I'm all for league parity, but that's kind of ridiculous.

Dirtiness (5) - The dirtiest team in the league pretty easily. When your star player is not above ganging up on a guy with a teammate and punching him in the sack, this title is well earned. Watching the Islanders kick the shit out of them was HILARIOUS because the Penguins were pulling the same bush league garbage game in and game out and they made the asinine mistake of pulling it on a team that was just as full of assholes as they are, awful enough so that they wouldn't give two shits if half their team got suspended, AND run by Garth Snow who probably had to be restrained from jumping onto the ice and kicking the shit out of several Penguins himself. Amazing.

Fan Douchery (5) - The most ignorant, classless, white trash fans in the entire league. They eclipse Philly fans by a country mile. It must be something in the water because I can count the number of pleasant experiences I've had with Pittsburgh sports fans on my penis. I've seen them vandalize HSBC Arena, try to destroy the team's flag, throw beer cans, and fight other fans. They're the only other team that I've seen have fans ejected from a hockey game. I've been verbally assaulted by Penguins fans at HSBC arena when the Sabres weren't even playing them. They are nothing short of a pox on humanity and it is a DAMN SHAME that the team didn't move when it was a possibility, tradition, and history, and ratings be damned. Not only are their fans intolerable, but they have a sanctimonious hypocrite owner who should shut his goddamn mouth, send Matt Cooke packing, and duct tape Evgeni Malkin's elbows to his ribcage before complains about other team's dirty players.

Recent History (5) - Seeing the Red Wings, who are completely boring to watch outside of Kronwall if they're not in the shootout, and the Penguins who are unlikable in every way imaginable play in the cup finals two years in a row was almost as bad as just not watching hockey in 04-05.

Fan Bandwagonry (1) - I have to give credit where credit is due. After several years of having two of the top five best players in the game, and possibly the most clutch goalie, AND two straight years of Stanley Cup Finals appearances, PLUS being pimped by the league at every conceivable opportunity, they FINALLY jumped ahead in the TV ratings of a team who has been half and half on making the playoff, played for a cup twice in its existence, and might as well not exist in the eyes of the NHL.  Congrats.

Hatable Players (10) - The entire goddamn team. You want me to name names? Fine. Tyler Kennedy, Jordan Staal, Maxime Talbot, Matt Cooke, Chris Kunitz, Mike Rupp, Alexei Kovalev, Deryk Engelland, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby, and Brooks Orpik.

Total - 31

Final Thoughts: The Penguins literally have every unlikable thing imaginable going for them. Not only are they talented, but they play cheaper and dirtier than everyone, their captain (Crosby) and star player (Malkin) look like an all star cock sucker and a crack baby respectively, they have one of the worst cheap shot artists in the game (Cooke), one of the laziest players in the game (Kovalev), an annoying owner who every time he opens his mouth spews farts made out of dicks, a fan base that would murder your dog for amusement, gross colors, a stupid logo, AND they even boast the god damned Staal face, albeit the most attractive one.  Which is kind of like saying that small dogs leave the most tolerable dog shit.

If you're not from Pittsburgh and you don't hate the Penguins, something has gone very, very wrong somewhere in your life and you should almost certainly seek therapy. They have drugs that can erase pretty much any emotion these days.  Go take care of it, and may whatever God there is have mercy on your pathetic, probably beyond saving soul.

3 comments:

  1. Great read. Glad someone pointed me to your blog. BTW, I know some decent Bruins fans too, but the drunken douchebaggery at their home games spikes the needle on the asshole meter. I've seen a Sabres fan get sucker punched and have his nose broken while the perps and his friends ran away and laughed. I myself have been threatened with GBH by men at least 3 times, and I'm a middle aged woman who minds her own business at games. One of those instances was during a time when I had an ailment that forced me to walk with a cane. Imagine that -- a drunk in a Bruins jersey who outweighed me by 50 pounds screamed at me an threatened me because my offense was wearing a Sabres sweatshirt. Bruins fans + alcohol = instant assholes.

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  2. I don't know what "Eiffel Towering" a child might consist of, but I can picture the Sedins looking extremely creepy doing anything with children.
    "An annoying owner who every time he opens his mouth spews farts made out of dicks" just about made me crap myself. In a good way.

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  3. It cant be the water, because i turned out all right. THen agian, loganberry must have a good effect

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