Friday, April 1, 2011

My Evolution of Myself

I'm in a talky mood tonight, I think because I enjoy being able to convey things as quickly as possible, but this is a blog, not a volg.  (Death of the stupid internet buzzwords!)

Long story short, I was reading through a senior project I did in my Contemporary Literature class in high school.  The project was about ourselves and what we learned in high school, blah blah blah.  I didn't hate doing it, but I thought that the vast epiphanies that others were claiming to experience (or suffer) were kind of lame and contrived so I didn't take it very seriously and fucked asround with my friends most of the time when I was supposed to be working on the project in class.  Which I justified to the teacher by pointing out that I had learned it's not about the destination (the project), it's about the journey (fucking around with my friends).  And Mrs. Flood, whom I adored, thought that was hilarious.

In spite of the lack of seriousness there was a lot of good in the project, and a lot of things that still hold true.  (And some that don't...religion and abstinence...yuck.)  Even then I knew I wasn't the type of person that wanted to race up the corporate latter to bigger and better paychecks and the ability to accumulate more stuff.  Fuck that, get me earning comfortably and that's fine.

I said my goal was to be an engineer until I had enough money to ditch it and write, and that was before I was even writing anything even remotely marketable (sorry teenage poetry is not marketable).  I got part of the way there (thank you unemployment).

I still hate editing things.  The project has enough typos and errors for Flood to have been justified failing me.  Trust me, it's crap.  It's funny, at that point a lot of the things that are important to me now weren't even known to me then, but the sentiments were there.  My love of my friends for one.  The desire to return home was another.  It's just that I didn't yet realize where home truly is for me.

So back to the whole theme of the project, "I don't give a crap about this project."  I've always been an immature kid.  Some of that comes from overprotective parents (didn't learn about sex until I was in 6th grade), some of it comes from being a bit weird and socially awkward, and some of it is just intrinsic to my personality.  Thus a project with such grand goals was probably wasted on me in high school.  A lot of what is important to me now was not even on my radar then.  Even writing.  I've really only become what I am as a writer these past few years.  I think every novel I've written except Cube Wars has been in the last year and a half.

I feel like that's true for everyone though.  I think we often change much more than we realize and are so focused on having such a set definition of ourselves that we forget how malleable we really are.  I think we have a core way of looking at things that doesn't change, but the things we look at are different.  For example, my obsession with the Sabres and with all things Buffalo is a relatively new phenomenon for me, but I have always had an intense personal connection to my place of origin (be it where I started the day, the week, the month, or life).  So while that aspect may be new, my desire to have a connection to where I was born and the people there has always been a part of me.

Writing probably provides the most clear example (why didn't I use that in the first place)?!  I have had a love of writing for years, since ninth grade when I finally had a decent English teacher that showed me I was talented.  But my approach to writing, and what I write has changed drastically, and undoubtedly will continue to do so.

I guess it's good that I feel I continue to improve in every aspect.  How can I not?  I have more experience, and more intelligence, not to mention the fact that I'm bigger, stronger, faster, etc.  It always mystified me, those that pine for the past.  I got into a heated internet argument at Clarkson with people talking about how awesome high school was and how much they hated their lives in college.  Look, if your best days were in high school, you are a complete and utter failure as a human being and should probably euthanize yourself.  Seriously, there is only one thing about being in high school that is better than anything in the adult world.  If you ogle 15 year olds, you probably won't go to jail.

Everything else the adult world wins handily.  You have money, you can use it in any way you want, sex, booze, porn, hookers (in Vegas), even 60,000 legos if you so choose.  You have more control over your own life, more accountability, and are WAY better equipped to deal with any situation that may arise, good or bad.

I guess that's another intrinsic part of me, that I have a generally positive outlook and while the world may fall to hell around me, I generally think that each day is better than the one that preceded it.

(Also, I still hate to proofread.)

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