Friday, March 11, 2011

Types of Female Hotness

As I was driving down Interstate-90 in upstate New York I began to think about the different types of hotness.  Certainly there is no shortage of ways that a woman can look attractive, but it seems like there are fairly distinct categories.  So without further ado I will outline said categories in not particular order because seriously...who needs sorting?

Girl Next Door Hotness
You knew this one was going to come up.  Everyone has known a girl like this at some point in their lives, the type that definitely wouldn't grace the cover of a glamor magazine, but whose attractiveness is right up there with (and sometimes even eclipses) those girls.  Typically a GND type doesn't have any one thing that makes her standout, but the altogether package is very nice.

Celebrity Embodiment: Rachel Weisz

Pornstar Hotness
The type of girl that looks like she could, to quote a friend of mine, "suck the rust off a tailpipe."  Pornstar hotties look like they were made to fuck.  They usually look a bit unrealistic in a plastic-y kind of way.  Big boobs on a thin frame, or oversized lips.  (Yum, lips.)

Celebrity Embodiment: Angelina Jolie

Tomboyish Hotness
Personally this is the type of attractiveness I gravitate towards.  I hate high maintenance women, so someone who can throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and not worry about makeup is highly desirable to me.  Tomboys tend to be the most attractive of all the groups because they look good without all the enhancements that the others use to their advantage.

Celebrity Embodiment: Ellen Page

Elegant Hotness
And this is the type of hotness I try to stay away from.  I'm not a fan of social gatherings, especially ones that involve a ton of dressing up and accessories.  Elegant hotties tend to have features that look good in formal attire.  Wide hips and curves rule here.  (And enormous cleavage.)

Celebrity Embodiment: Christina Hendricks

Unconventional Hotness
Unconventional hotness is difficult to pin down.  Usually it involves a person who isn't attractive on paper, i.e. doesn't have the figure or the facial features to be a bombshell, and yet is undeniably hot anyways.

Celebrity Embodiment: Olivia Thirlby

Old-Timey Hotness
I think a lot of this overlaps with Elegant hotness, because that used to be the image of famous actresses like Marilyn Monroe and Katherine Hepburn.  To me, a classically attractive woman has the wide hips and curves that look good in a dress along with pale skin that contrasts well with bright red lipstick.

Celebrity Embodiment: Jennifer Connelly

Cute Hotness
To me cute and petite go hand in hand so I tend to think of smaller, thinner women as cute.  It's tough to pick a cute celebrity, especially since the one I have in mind can pull off several other looks.  But still...

Celebrity Embodiment: Natalie Portman

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