Tuesday, March 8, 2011

God Hates Fags...Wait, Why?

I was thinking about it earlier today, and two of the biggest hot button conservative/religious hatreds are abortion and homosexuals.  Abortion I can at least understand, there is the aspect of mortality depending upon where you believe life starts.  It's pretty morally airtight to fight against someone or something dying.  The crusade against homosexuals just seems so random.  They aren't harming anyone, they aren't killing people, they have to be one of the most harmless groups of people on the planet.  So my question is...why?

According to Proverbs 6:16-19, "There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers."  

So looking like an arrogant asshole, being a liar, killing innocents (nice distinction bible), being devious, being prone to evil, being a liar (think we covered that already chief), and being a home-wrecker.  No homosexuals.  Although I would debate the manliness of the guy stirring up dissension between brothers.  Seems like a total fag move to me.  This makes a whole lot of sense really, murders, liars, and assholes kind of suck, and they seem to be pretty worthy of wrath (and technicolor signs).

Of course there are parts of the bible that do seem to condemn homosexuality.  Leviticus 18:22 says, "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable," which seems pretty straightforward.  Romans 1:27 says, "In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion."  And finally 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 states "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

The reason I've outlined these three passages, other than the fact that they were the three most relevant offered to me by the website I used for research is because while they do present homosexuality as a sin against god, they don't present it as some type of cardinal sin, or the only thing harping on besides that whole baby killing dealio.

I noticed that none of them explicitly said "Gay buttsex = bad."  The Leviticus passage condemns lying with a man as you would with a woman which doesn't condemn homosexuality because men do not have vaginas.  Clearly the bible is no match for my elementary school knowledge of anatomy.  Next passage.  Romans only condemns indecent acts with other men, not the gay buttsex.  I think we can say with relative certainty that the bible was probably talking about balls touching.  Seems pretty indecent to me.  Finally Corinthians rails against homosexual offenders, essentially gays that break the law.  If the bible meant homosexual buttsexers, it probably should have said so.*

*Disclaimer: different versions of the bible may actually say "Gay buttsex=bad" or talk about homosexual buttsexers."

Finally we approach Genesis 19:1-13 which is long and boring and looks like it was written by an eight year old.  The gist of it is that two angels arrive in Sodom and this is what happens:

Lot - Dude angels, stay at my place.
Angels - We want to stay in the square.
Lot - I have an Xbox.
Angels - Alright fine bro.
Every Single Man in Sodom - We want to fuck the angels in their glowing pure assholes.
Lot - Uh that's stupid, how about not.
Sodomites - BUTTSEX!!!!
Lot - I have two virgin daughters...
Sodomites - WE WANT THE BUTTSEX!!!!
Angels - Get back in here Lot.  Fuck you Sodomites.  
*Angels use Blind Sodomites.  It's super effective.*
Angels - Get your shit and virgin jailbait ouit of here Lot.  We're gonna burn the city like it's the Stanley Cup finals in Montreal.  We were actually sent to destroy it even though we did not know of the buttsex sinning until we got here because these passages were taken out of context to make us look like we were from the future.  Or something.

So we finally get the definite impression that buttsex is something you probably shouldn't be doing.  Although the way this is written, maybe those signs should read God Hates People Who Try to Fuck Angels in the Ass, because that's what I got out of that passage.

Now obviously I didn't treat this with a great deal of seriousness, but I don't think it deserves any.  There are so many better causes to espouse, like research for a variety of diseases like cancer, AIDS, Parkinsons, MD, cerebral palsy and hundreds more.  It could be God Hates Microscopis Shit That Keeps Killing Us.  We could have senators talking about using some of the money that's wasted within the government for disease research instead of railing against the completely mythical "Homosexual Agenda."

Hell if you're really hell bent on hating something, there are much better things to hate.  Murders, rapists, Terrorists, Pittsburgh Residents, Child Molesters.  Aren't those things much more destructive than a guy with fashion sense?  Even if you are extremely religious and believe devoutly in the bible, shouldn't those things (and several others) worry you a hell of a lot more than a bunch of fags?  It just seems stupid.

And granted a lot of what I've said here is aimed at the Westboro Baptist Church, but the fact of the matter is that Gay Marriage is only legal in a handful of states.  They are by no means on a pedestal in their assault on homosexuals, they're just the biggest dicks about it.  There are a lot of Christians who need to really figure out if campaigning against gays is really the best use of their time, money, and effort.

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