Saturday, February 19, 2011

Why Internet Dating Sucks: Making fun of People on OKCupid

It actually isn't because people are dishonest.  Everyone I've met in person after first meeting them on the internet has accurately represented themselves in terms of appearance.  Now granted I have a pretty fine filter and I've only met a couple of people, but honesty isn't really the issue, stupidity is.

First of all, Internet Dating sites are both a good and bad concept for a couple of different reasons.  They're good for people like, who are introverted, who don't go out much, and who want to meet similar people.  It always annoyed me when people told me I needed to "go out more."  I DON'T LIKE going out!  Why the hell would I want to meet someone "out" that probably does like going out?!  That is fucking stupid.  I want to meet people that like STAYING IN, the problem is...THEY'RE ALL IN!  Enter: internet dating, a way to meet like minded people that prefer trolling 4chan to trolling their local bar.

The problem is that it's very easy to reject people, and very difficult to project an accurate portrayal of yourself in an online dating profile.  We tend to include a myriad of aspects of our personality, and because they're all given the same amount of text online, it looks like they're equally important.  Someone could state their religious beliefs and it may just mean that they were raised in that faith, but haven't been to church in 15 years and don't spend a minute thinking about the existence of God.  Or it could mean that they're Westboro Baptist crazy.

But it's boring to paragraph on about these things without giving examples, so we'll delve right into that.

Retarded Picture Posting:
Anyone who says looks don't matter is a liar.  Physical attraction is part of the game and while one's partner might not typically be considered attractive, make no mistake, they're attactive to them.  Thus accurate photographys is important, multiple angles, face and body, and in a variety of styles of dress.  Plus it gives you a great opportunity to caption pics and tell a bit more about yourself.
 
 
These are the only two pictures posted by that girl, and both are uncaptioned.  We can at least tell that she's asian and moderately attractive (i.e. not house-sized), and that she may possibly have been killed and ground into some type of French Fry.  Seriously if you're going to take a picture that makes absolutely no sense, you might want to explain it at least a little bit.

Okay, there's a difference between "post pictures that accurately reflect how you look," and "post pictures in which you look like a tranny."

 If you're not a set of conjoined twins, this picture needs a caption.

Surprisingly fat girls with high angle pics are few and far between.  Like I said, honesty actually isn't the biggest problem, it's stupidity.


Introducing Yourself:

I won't respond to people who use lame pickup lines. I'm here to meet new friends, not be picked up. I think it's a weak icebreaker when a "hi" suffices just fine.


Fair enough, but when the first thing I read in your profile is a complaint, you sound like a bitch.

I like to keep busy and having variety in my life but really like to take time to relax too. 
 Congratulations, you have told me nothing.

Hmm, well I'm a quiet person until you get to know me, at that point I'm quite the talkative one.
Maybe not the worst thing to say...but literally every fucking girl says this, and it's probably true for 90% of the human population.  I don't exactly chat up people I don't know either.

Generally I am a very chill person; I avoid unnecessary drama and arguments whenever I can. It's boring. On the other hand, I won't act like nothing's wrong if I'm given shit that I don't deserve. 
So you're dramatic enough to have to complain about it basically...

I'm tired of the mind games that people are constantly playing, and I'm looking for something real.
Girls complaining about mind games, how ironic.

I love hanging out and relaxing, and basically just having a good time in general.
Who doesn't like having a good time?  What's worse is when girls say they "like to have fun."  Um...no shit? You like to have fun?  Well I like to strip naked, run into the woods in December and play Auschwitz.

Your tastes:
When listing some of your favorite types of music, TV shows, movies, anal beads, electroshock torture toys, there are really only three ways you can go wrong.

I like pretty much everything.
Really?  Then you won't mind if we watch pissing porn?  Yeah, don't be stupid.

I like everything except (genre) (usually country or rap)
This is a surefire sign that someone is an idiot, because that is the only thing that someone simplistic enough to dismiss an entire genre of anything can be.  I would bet that there is a song in every major genre (note: major genre, don't ask me if I like bluegrass songs by retarded one armed midgest as a way of playing devil's advocate) that every person likes.  Do I listen to rap hardly ever?  No, but there are still a few rap songs I enjoy.

*900 line list of bands/movies*
I'm pretty sure it is physically impossible for you to have listened to or watched all of those in your lifetime.  There is this great new invention called a top ten list.  Use it.

Random Aside, Let's Be Honest:

If you have a picture that looks like this:

Then you're "first thing people notice about me" section should not read this:
Probably my eyes or my sense of humor Or my height. Being 5'10 isn't something you can easily hide. 
Yes honey, we're looking at your eyes.

Also, can we do away with some of the cutesy adjectives that describe appearance?  I've seen curvy range from about 120 to about 400 pounds.  Give me a fucking break, post a number or GTFO.

What You're Looking For:
It's shocking how many people fail to mention this in their profiles.  OKCupid has a section for text that reads "You Should Message Me if..."  Fucking use it!  What do you want in a person?  What qualities are important to you?  God damnit!

YSMMI...you're interested/want to know more/want a true and genuine girl to talk to.
Don't message me (please) if:
You are older than 27ish
You are simply looking to hook up--I'm looking for something real.
You don't live in NY--I've done the distance thing, and I'm looking for something local. 
What does true and genuine mean?  Are you a genuine bitch?  If so, no thanks.  And judging by the fact that you used this space to complain, I'm thinking that's pretty accurate.

YSMMI...You like what you see!
 Really...that's all you're giving me to go on?

YSMMI...You're not an illiterate douche bag. If you use correct spelling and grammar, and are an overall nice guy :) 
If "nice guy" is your only qualifier, you're an idiot.

YSMMI...You want to.
I hate you.

YSMMI...your under age 22.
not a creep.
not looking for a one night stand.
actually are doing something with your life and not a total loser.
 Hey, it's not internet guy's fault you continually make bad decisions and wind up with idiots, don't take it out on him.

Alright, Time to Look at a Good Profile: 

I'm an acquired taste. I can come off as being rather abrasive, but it's usually just in jest. I can joke around about pretty much anything, and don't get offended easily. I like to play in pretty much every aspect and it's difficult for me to take things seriously. I feel like I am a compassionate person, at least when it comes to kids and animals. I'm pretty spontaneous and I like adventures. I'm passionate about the things I am passionate about, and apathetic towards most everything else.
 See this actually tells me something about this girl's personality and what she's like to interact with.




The first things people usually notice about me...Probably top down so my shaved head, wild blue eyes, "broken" sticker on my sweatshirt, toesy shoes or the ghetto scooter I'm about to run them down on.
Looks pretty accurate to me.

YSMMI...you're intelligent, Dominant, kinky, confident and assertive. You should message me if you're affectionate without being clingy, and like randomness, kids, and animals.

On the other hand, don't bother messaging me if you write like a preteen girl or are uncomfortable with extremely independent girls.
This speaks well to her tastes, and even though she includes a "don't," it actually indicates the type of person that would get along with her rather than merely being bitchy. 

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