Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Fridge and the Microwave Conspire to Make Good Food Taste Like Shit

I know I did this webcomic before, but I feel this phenomenon is worth mentioning again.  My fridge and my microwave are in cahoots to ruin what were good dinners.

I don't understand this, one cools shit down, the other heats it up really fast.  When those processes are complete, I should have something that at least sort of resembles and tastes like the original product.  I am almost entirely nocturnal, so my eating schedule is a little fucked up.  I usually have my first meal of the day at around seven at night, and then eat every few hours until I go to bed at seven in the morning.  This results in me having to microwave a lot of food (or die) with mixed results.

Probably one of the worst things to attempt to store for later eating is pizza, partially because it is so awesome to begin with.  Pizza goes into the fridge warm and crispy, comes out of the fridge cold and hard, and then gets whiskey dick in the microwave.  The finished product is a flabby slab of grossness.  It doesn't even taste right, becoming bland as you begin to wonder if the pizza was fucking the milk again.

One of the things I have become inured to reheating is gravy for mashed potatoes.  Gravy is some kind of bewitched substance that begins as a liquid and then turns into a gelatinous horror in the fridge.  Then as you're pulling the container out, the pudding-gravy starts menstruating off color juices in an attempt to destroy your appetite and save itself.  Fuck you gravy, I know nature's tricks.  Possums aren't really dead, and that is not really ass liquid.  Prepare to be eaten!

It's like a food apocalypse.  Stuffing becomes dry dirt food, noodles become chewy dick hair, and macaroni and cheese becomes macaroni and tasteless slime.  That's probably why I have begun to like dinners over which the fridge and microwave have no power.  One of these is meatloaf.  Meatloaf is kind of like the cockroach of the dinner foods.  You could drop a nuclear warhead on it, and its chemical properties would not change.  It laughs as the fridge tries to cool it into something dry and disgusting.  It taunts the microwave with its refusal to fully warm without spinning in circles on the little plate for a full thirty minutes.  And when all is said and done, it tastes exactly as it did when it was made...like awesome meat jello.

Here's to you meatloaf, for triumphing in feeding me where other foods have failed.


  1. I love meatloaf. Time to request it for dinner again.

    Chicken always bothers me too when it comes out of the fridge. There'll be nasty, gelatin on the sides of it from where the grease had hardened and then it smells like God knows what. Something awful.

  2. Pizza works fine if you know how to do it (aka put it in the toaster oven instead of the microwave)