Thursday, November 4, 2010

Survivor: Eleven Remaining

I love Survivor, and have obviously been watching every episode of Survivor Nicaragua.  We've reached the point where contestants are now voting people onto the jury so I thought I'd run through the remaining contestants and give my opinion of each...in the order of their chances to win the game.

Now keep in mind I've only seen seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, and 22 so I don't know all the survivors, so I'm probably leaving out a ton of awesome people in my 'reminds me of' item.

Oh, and the theme of this season's Survivor is 'Vote out the smart likable people so the dumb obnoxious people can stay in,' so I probably have this ass backwards.

Jane Bright



Jane is smart, savvy, likable, and proved that she can even hang with the men in the physical challenge.  She may fall short in brute strength, but if it comes down to willpower, no one is beating her.  She is fucking hilarious.

Biggest Strength - Being likable.  That will get you jury votes in this game, period.  The less likable finalist almost never wins.

Biggest Weakness - Being on the wrong side of Marty.  They're both smart players, and smart players find a way to stay in the game.  They haven't had to do it at the expense of each other yet, but they probably will.

Most Reminds me of - Big Tom Buchanan (Survivor Africa, All-Stars).  Yes, I realize Big Tom is a man, but they both share that friendly southern kookiness.  And sometimes you can't understand what the hell they're saying.

Marty Piombo



Marty and Jane will not wind up in the final two together.  One of them will make sure the other is gone by then.  Marty is on the chopping block and has been for about three weeks now, but he's still around.  Good players find ways to stay in the game.  (Unless you're Sandra Diaz-Twine and fall ass-backwards into everything.)  He's a dick, and paranoid, and confident in all the wrong ways, but he is smart.

Biggest Strength - Being the best player left in the game.

Biggest Weakness - Being an egomaniacal asshole.

Most Reminds me of - Kenny Hoang (Survivor Gabon).  Kenny was also a very devious strategic player, but he was so annoying, I just wanted to punch him every time he talked.



Brenda Lowe

The biggest reason I have Brenda rated so high is because her alliance looks so strong right now.  She pretty much has Chase, Naonka, and Sash doing whatever she wants.  That having been said, I think she's far too obnoxious and far too much of a bitch to ever win Survivor.  I don't even care that she's hot anymore.

Biggest Strength - Holding all the cards right now.

Biggest Weakness - Subtlely being almost as annoying as Naonka.

Most Reminds me of - Peih-Gee Law (Survivor China).  Peih-Gee was a very good strategist and actually had a pretty good plan at one point, but she lacked the balls and the intelligence to pull it off.  I can see Brenda pissing away her advantage in a similar way.



Chase Rice


I hate Chase just as much as I hate Marty for all the opposite reasons.  Where Marty is a great player in a really douchey way, Chase is letting every cute girl bat his vote around like a tetherball.  The only way he makes it to the final three is if one of those players decides they want a spineless nobody to come with them.

Biggest Strength - Not making any waves.

Biggest Weakness - Using his dick as a divining rod in a Million Dollar game.

Most Reminds me of - Mick Trimming (Survivor Samoa).  Feckless.  Look it up.

Fabio (Jud) Birza


Ah Jud, Mr. Unintentional Comedy himself.  While Fabio has let on that he is at least a little smarter than he looks and acts, the mere fact that he remains so enamored with Marty (I think) is proof that he really is just dumb.  Someone might bring him to the final three because he's such a bad game player, but I doubt he actually wins the million.

Biggest Strength - Not appearing threatening.

Biggest Weakness - Not really being threatening.  Also, gullibility.

Most Reminds me of - Shannon 'Shambo' Waters (Survivor Samoa).  Jud has that same endearing naivete that Shambo had with just as glorious a hairdo (and in a much nicer body).




Sash (Matthew) Lenaham

Ah Sash, I should probably have him rated much higher, but I think he's kind of slimy.  And I can't get over how weird his nipples look.  They're weird, right?!  You know, during that second tribal when Shannon was questioning Sash's sexuality, I thought Shannon was a dick.  Now I'm like, can we get Shannon back to beat the shit out of Sash?  Even more annoying is that Sash claims to be half black.  Right...the only black that's ever been in him was...you know what, I won't finish that sentence.

Biggest Strength - Controlling the game with Brenda right now.

Biggest Weakness - Coming off like a used car salesman.

Most Reminds me of - Brian Heidik (Survivor Thailand).  This is a little bit of an insult to how well Heidik played the game, but getting Marty to cough up the Idol was pretty slick.  And you'll be feeling just as dirty if Sash wins as you did when Brian won.


Holly Hoffman


What do you want me to say about Holly?  She'd from North Dakota, she's batshit insane, and she sounds exactly like Sarah Palin.

Biggest Strength - (Somehow) flying under the radar.

Biggest Weakness - Being nuts.

Most Reminds me of - No one really, because she's the type of person who shouldn't get far in this game.  At least a third of the people that are left are.  If I had to jog my memory for someone, I might say Coach Wade (Survivor Tocantins, Heroes vs. Villains) but no one is like Coach Wade.

Benry (Ben) Henry





Now we get into the people that have zero chance to win this game.  I found it ironic that Benry called Alina a 'dirt squirrel' since the former Girl's Gone Wild cameraman is such a slimeball himself.

Biggest Strength - Not being sketchy...yet.

Biggest Weakness - Being sketchy eventually.

Most Reminds me of - Jean Robert Bellande (Survivor China).  Just ew.


Dan Lembo


Another person that has no business being in the game.  He is physically incapable of jumping.

Biggest Strength - Possibly being in the Mafia.

Biggest Weakness - The afore mentioned lack of jumping.

Most Reminds me of - Sandra Diaz-Twine's (Survivor Pearl Islands, Heroes vs. Villains) completely lack of any skill in challenges plus Brett Clouser's (Survivor Samoa) complete lack of any interesting characteristics whatsoever.



Kelly Purple Shinn


 Kelly purple is every bit as dumb as Naonka, she just keeps her mouth shut.

Biggest Strength - Titties.

Biggest Weakness - Stupidity

Most Reminds me of - ARGH!  Dumb people don't get this far in the game.  Okay...Sarah Jones (Survivor Marquesas).  Yum.


NaOnka Mixon


Quick, get me a black woman from the ghetto.  Can she speak English?  No?  Good.  How bout the head waggle?  Excellent.  Is she obnoxious as hell?  Will she make every white viewer run for their white bedsheets?  Perfect!  I can be a survivor casting director.  NaOnka is every black woman on survivor ever (not named Taj or Cirie or Vecepia).  Why don't you cast more black women like Taj?  Taj was NICE.  Taj was FUN.  When Taj smiled, you smiled.  Taj is married to Eddie freaking George!

Biggest Strength - Being so horrible that everyone wants to take her to the final three.

Biggest Weakness - Being NaOnka.

Most Reminds me of - Yasmin Giles (Survivor Samoa).  Every black woman on Survivor ever.

2 comments:

  1. I don't agree with who you compared most of the remaining survivors with, but I was amused with the "Incapable of jumping" and (as I call her) Neighs comments with Taj. haha.

    I have liked Surfer (or Jude or ick...Fabio) from the beginning. Not favored as much as I have favored my other favorites from other Survivor seasons, but liked. Now that it's this far..I see the others and think he has a HUGE chance of winning.

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  2. Thanks, honestly I was blanking on past survivors, and the only ones I really remember are from the few most recent seasons, and some of my favorite seasons like China, Marquesas, and All Stars.

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