Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sexcapades: How the Cat Gave Me Erectile Dysfunction (NSFW)

This story needs a little bit of history.  If you've ready my blog avidly, then you know how obnoxious and attention-seeking my cat Gizmo can be.  You should also know that at one point, my room did not have a door.  The reason it did not have a door is because if it did have a door, my conservative mother threatened to bar me from bringing my ex-girlfriend into the room alone (because you know, it's not like my room isn't isolated enough). 

Predictably, this did not stop us from doing anything anyways.  On one evening around 2007 or 2008, my ex-girlfriend Samantha and I were fooling around.  Samantha, being of the prude variety, had never been willing to indulge me in any of my bondage fantasies (and never would be again).

On this particular night, however, she decided to step outside the box, and asked me if I had any rope.  Stupid question.  She began slowly taking off my clothes until I was completely naked before blindfolding me with a handkerchief (a move I'd used on her with great success).  My arousal at one of my senses being eliminated was evident as I began to grow hard, however at that moment Gizmo decided to make an appearance.  I swiftly dealt with the nuisance by taking her and putting her down at the other end of the basement (after removing the blindfold, but not dressing (which could have been a story in itself had someone else been downstairs)) in the hopes that she'd find something better to do.  My dick, though still hard, was not amused.

Continuing on with her little scene, Samantha proceeded to bind my wrists together behind my back.  Poorly.  Look, I'm no shibari expert or anything, but this tie was so bad, Stephen Hawking could have writhed himself free.  My ADD penis started to think that it might have better things to do.

Samantha noticed this and started to pout, instead know...doing something about it.  I informed her that if she kindly put my testicles in her mouth, that would probably do the trick.  Surprisingly she complied and her mouth-ritalin brought my dick to her (and its) full attention.

So there I am, completely naked, blindfolded, poorly bound and kneeling in the center of my bad.  Samantha started to play with me (because we had not progressed beyond handjobs and minimal oral at that point) poorly (because she had the coordination of an epileptic with Tourette's), but it was getting the job done.  It was at this moment when Gizmo decided to make a dramatic re-entry.

As I was leaning forward to give Samantha better access to my dick, Gizmo jumped on the bed, took her face, and rubbed it directly against my asshole.  This wasn't a glancing blow off the asscheek, this was my cat trying to dive into my butt for buried treasure.  My boner ran away like Samantha had suggested jerking me off with scissors.

I don't care who you are, unsolicited anal attention plus the realization that your cat is going to keep trying to rub its assface against you is a bit of a mood killer.  I immediately wrestled myself free of the rope, took the blindfold off, dressed, and rushed the cat to the bathroom to wash my butt stench off her face.

When I threw the cat upstairs (which I should have done in the first place, but that would have required not being naked) and returned to the room, Samantha was distraught by the fact that her first foray into bondage had resulted in my dick going limp in her hands.  I explained explicitly what had happened (leaving out the part about how she gave really shitty handjobs), but because Samantha was too stubborn / insecure / illogical / much of a woman, she refused to believe that it had happened for any other reason except that I didn't like what she was doing.  God damnit.

Worst.  Night.  Ever.

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