Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sexcapades: And then Her Dad Came Home (NSFW)

If you don't want to read about my having sex, this is not the post for you.

Not long after my ex broke up with me, I had been texting a girl that I had known for several years.  For privacy's sake, we'll refer to her as Amy.  Amy had always been cute with legs and an ass that filled out her jeans, and in recent years a few things on top had caugh up nicely.  More importantly, I knew that she had always had a crush on me.

We had only been talking a few days when she suggested I come over after work because her parents wouldn't be home.  She relayed the name of her development, and I knew where it was so I didn't bother looking for directions.  I figured once I got there, she could guide me in with no problem.  TACTICAL ERROR.  I found the development easy enough, and she lived off one of the main roads, so I texted her and asked her for the address.  The exchange went something like this:

Me - Hey, what's the address?
Her - Idk
Me - What kind of car is in the driveway then?
Her - Idk
(Are you fucking kidding me.)
Me - Well help me find it.
(Silence.)
Me - Come on tell me the address, I'll find it.
Her - It's not on the mailbox.
(Stop being difficult, you are not that hot.)
Me - Just tell me the freaking address, I'll figure it out.
(Starting to drive around.)
Her - Idk.
(About 20 minutes later.)
Me - I'm going home.  You're a moron.
Her - Sorry, don't be mad.
Me - Don't be stupid.

Okay maybe I didn't send those last two (but I certainly implied it).  It turns out that even though she lived off the main road, there was also another unconnected road deeper within the development of that same name.  Who the fuck designs these things anyways?


So whatever, I went home and used Bing maps to figure out where the hell her stupid house was not expecting her to ever want me to come over again.  Boy was I wrong.  A few days later, her and I have another text exchange.

Her - I'm horny
(It was actually pretty much this out of the blue.)
Her - Do you want to come over?
Me - Take it the parents aren't home
Her - Nope, not til seven or eight.
Me - Well what do you want to do?
Her - Whatever, sucking, fucking, fingering
Me - Awesome.

Time, however, was not on my side.  I got off work at 4:15.  It took about twenty minutes to get home and another fifteen to get to her house and I had hockey at 6:30 about ten minutes away.  Plus there was no way in hell I was going to go over there all work-gross so I had to shower and pack my hockey shit too.

So at 4:15 I get the hell out of work and begin racing home.  My mind is already counting off all the shit I need to do.  My sister was already downstairs and notices that I am in a hurry.  "Going to boink Amy" was apparently a sufficient enough excuse to jump ahead of her in the shower queue.  So I started lathering myself, while brushing my teeth, while shaving and trying not to accidentally slice my face off.

I'm in and out in five minutes, dressed, and then throwing shit into my car like an angry raving hobo.  Probably within fifteen minutes of getting home, I was on the road again and on my way over.  I was able to avoid any stupid shenanigans getting to her house and pull into the driveway.  No one is indeed home.

She let me in and almost immediately asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to her room.  Hockey in the back of my mind, I like this speedy development.  We get to her noticeably pink bedroom and I start taking off clothes.  She put on some music and Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls comes on.  Titties and The Goo Goo Dolls...this is the best day ever!

I have her down to her panties and I'm still fully dressed.  This needs to be rectified.  "You going to let me have all the fun?"  I asked.  It worked like a charm as she suddenly remembered there was another person in the room.  Within minutes the two of us were completely naked, and I noticed something odd.  Most girls do some sort of landscaping down there and Amy was no different.  As I traced my hand down her stomach I enjoyed smooth skin all the way down to her slit.  However, upon broaching vagina territory, I also entered the fucking hundred acre bush.  She had shaved all the way down to her vagina...and then just stopped.  What the hell?  If anything, do the god damned opposite.

Furthermore, this girl had the strongest odor of any woman I have ever been with by a factor of five.  It's not necessarily a bad smell in itself, but if it's that strong...nothing is a good smell.  It was like swimming in a pool of perfume...if the perfume were vagina juice.  The smell was so strong that it outlasted the hockey smell from my gloves.  My gloves are a chernobyl Armageddon of hand sweat.  Nothing should beat that smell.  Her cooter did.

Nonplussed, we begin feeling each other up.  I'm having a good time because her body is pretty damn nice, and she's having a good time because...hell...it's me...come on.  After a while her hands quickly became a sideshow as her mouth took over for the main event.  It was evident that she was a little out of practice, but she got the job done.  (She later told me that was the first time she had swallowed.  That explained the sheepish look on her face.)

I'm by no means a selfish lover, so I started returning a few favors.  She was enjoying it, but it was a little odd.  I don't know who taught that girl how to moan, but clearly they learned the trade from an angry lemur.  It was reminiscent of that low throaty growl you hear from a cat right before they're about to bite the fuck out of you.

So I'm doing a pretty damn good job because she's making all kinds of strange noises and grabbing at the sheets, but the orgasm just doesn't seem to want to come around.  (Probably scared off by the dense foliage.)  I'm checking the clock and I'm like fuck, I really need to go to hockey.  So I told her this.

Turns out I could have waited about ten seconds because a short time later I hear beeping from downstairs, followed quickly by the words, "Fuck...someone's home."  Now, I don't know what the typical response is supposed to be, but probably not laughter.  Sorry, I couldn't help myself.  So her and I scramble to get dressed and her dad walks in the door.

She runs over to the bannister and looks down at him.  He knows something is going on because my bright red car is parked in front of his garage.  I'm still pulling clothes on when she utters probably the dumbest sentence the situation called for.  "We weren't doing anything dad, honest."  (Come on, this is the girl that couldn't even find her own fucking house.)

Oh my god, well hockey isn't waiting so I come out of her room looking every bit the jackass that I am.  Her dad was the 5'8" 170 pound lawyer type.  I could take him.  After hearing a pretty much ironclad admission that his daughter was still swirling my jizz aroung in her mouth he just walked into his room without even acknowledging me, and I went to hockey to record my first and second goals of the season.

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