Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Sandusky Strip Club

My friends Ogre, Agent 23, and Snowman and I were in Sandusky in the late Summer of 2009 enjoying the Cedar Point amusement park.  After the park had closed for the season, we found ourselves seeking some nude entertainment for the night.  Now if you know where Sandusky is, then you know it is basically bumfuck, Ohio.  Using Agent 23's GPS, we searched for Adult Entertainment, and ended up finding a place called Rainbow something or other.  Predictably, this was a gay club, which a call quickly confirmed.  Yeah, not our thing.

After a while we found another establishment that was about a half hour drive into even more rural Ohio.  When we finally get to the road the place claimed to be on, we ended up driving past the supposed location with no red lights in sight.  We called the place, asking where the hell it was, and confirmed that we were on the right street.

About five miles later, we finally saw a run down shack of a building with a sign identifying it's purpose.  The place looked like pestilence and dilapidation had come to fornicate.  From the inside it looked somewhat nicer, but still like the opening of the plot to some horror movie.

The setup was pretty simple.  You walked through a hallway that opened up to the bar.  Then there were a few tables, and finally the seating and stage area.  At the bar, there were a few older gentlemen paying no attention whatsoever to the strippers.  There was no one else in the place at all.  When we got there, the bartender asked if we were the guys that called.  I didn't really hear his question at the time, so I told him no.  I'm sure this perplexed his bumpkin mind.

The strippers, who must have been bored out of their minds, immediately loved us.  Once the young woman on stage finished her routine, she informed her stripper friends that there were actual clientele, and that they were young and not creepy (comparatively).  Having the full attention of half naked women is nice.  There were three of them that were attractive, Nadia, a slender brunette who took an immediate liking to me, a slender blonde who was on something that made her extremely bubbly, and a slightly bustier slender blonde who was on something that made her rather quiet and aggressive.

We took our beers down to the seats near the stage and tried not to think about what was on them or had been done in them.  The girls, attention starved were all over us from the get-go, especially the wide-eyed Frosty who had never been to a strip club before.  (To be fair, neither had I, but this fact was not made known).  Roughly thirty seconds into the routine one of the blitzed girls spilled Agent 23's beer all over the stage.  These were not A-class strippers.

Then the moment of the night came.  The way Ogre, Snowman, and myself were seated, we had a view of the door of the stripper's room.  Agent 23 did not.  After the attractive women finished their dances, we saw the next dancer.  Agent 23 did not.  Now to be fair, her breasts were very nice, but the rest of her can best be described as "man the harpoons."  (She was not curvy-big, she was just big.)  Neither the slender Snowman, or myself, or the somewhat more massive Ogre were terribly looking forward to watching a woman significantly larger than us (at least Snowman and myself, not many women are larger than Ogre) on stage, so we bolted for more beer.  Agent 23 on the other hand assumed we were coming right back and was unaware of the impending disaster.  We were not.

I can only imagine the look on Agent 23's face as the hefty woman took the stage, but I think it was probably a combination of fear and agony.  You see the slender girls had no qualms about laying atop any of us.  Were this to happen again, Agent 23 might meet an untimely fleshy death.  Now in a normal strip club, such a woman dancing might not be a terrible occurrence, but we were in Sandusky, Ohio.  Agent 23 could not merely excuse himself, leaving the large woman an audience of several others.  He was literally the only one watching, and being the nice guy that he is, humored her by viewing her entire dance (an image that I'm sure will be burned into his mind forever).

This would dramatically alter Agent 23's strip club strategy for the rest of the night.  He began getting up after every dance to either go to the bathroom, or replenish his beer supply so he didn't get stuck in such an unfortunate situation again.  Luckily for us, two black gentlemen came into the strip club, and they were rather enamored with the larger lady (not stereotyping, just telling you the facts).

The three strippers that hung out with us the entire night were adamant about giving us private dances.  My girl, Nadia, was the most attractive, and also the most un-fucked up of the three.  Win.  There wasn't much that happened after that would be considered entertaining.  Nadia's choice of conversation topics while she was grinding on me topless was interesting to say the least.  I was intrigued to know that she was a mom as she was sliding her fingers inside of my waistband, but I didn't really need to know.

Otherwise it was a pretty good night, and a good first visit to a strip club.  We only stayed there a couple hours until near close and then wandered back to the hotel.


  1. Yeah yeahhh man, there big ugly hoes der ! ! ! ! !

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