Friday, November 26, 2010

Products I Could Endorse

I feel that as a normal red blooded American, there are several products I could heartily endorse through my personal experiences.

Wegmans White Unscented Facial Tissues:
I like to keep the things I wipe my face with fairly simple.  The upsides to these particular tissues is that they don't feel like sandpaper, and they won't make your nose and mouth area smell like minty Vicks abortion.  Seriously, we had those Vick's tissues at work.  The first one I used I thought smelled kind of nice, but by the end of the day I felt like I had snorted a vat of cough syrup.

Good tissues are important to someone like me who blows their nose roughly once every eight seconds.  It's even worse when I'm sick.  Right now my trash can looks like I have not stopped masturbating since birth.  If you're not grossed out by now, let's move on.

Holmes HeatSafe Space Heaters:
I live in the basement whose temperature varies between tauntaun snot and the inside of the abominable snowman's anus.

Even during the summer, this thing is going the majority of my waking hours.  I don't know what it is about me, perhaps my poor circulation in combination with my high blood pressure, but I am freezing almost all the time.  It's even worse in an office building since most are kept at around a balmy 44 degrees and feature operation room level lighting that makes me feel even worse.  Layering up helps, but only so much.  There are times that I just don't feel like wearing a hoodie over another hoodie over a long sleeve shirt over a T-shirt.

Crush Brand Strawbery Soda:
This is the blood of christ, not that alcohol infused piss water called wine.

I like hats, I feel that I could endorse hats as an article of clothing.  Like... "Buy hats!  They make your head feel happy and your hair feel oppressed!"

Not Hating Minorities:
Not necessarily a product per se, but if it were, it is one I could definitely get behind.  Also, I think that if it were a product it would be a spoon.

Clearly the black male version...

This Blog:
This blog is a product I would endorse, and you should too!  Tell your friends, tell your relatives, tell you're kids (make sure they're over 18)!

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