Sunday, November 7, 2010

My Introduction to Pornography (Obviously NSFW)

Alright, I'm going to tell you people about my first foray into looking at porn since it made my ex-girlfriend laugh when I told her.  Although I think she was laughing at me and not with me, but honestly, I'll take it.

The year was 2000, I was fourteen years old, I was in ninth grade, and I was sleeping over at my friend Tyler's house.  (Name changed to protect privacy even though he probably doesn't care.)  Tyler, back then, was known for having the most liberal and nonchalant parents.  As long as he didn't get in trouble with the law, he could pretty much do whatever he wanted.  Going over to Tyler's house was great because his parents pretty much just left him alone, if they were even around at all.  While over there, we could play video games as long as we wanted, go on the internet whenever, or go explore the woods around his house without his parents being overly concerned about us dying.

On one particular Tuesday while we were in technology class, Tyler mentioned that it was "Porno Tuesday," one of the two days a week in which he was the only one home for several hours, thus free to use the family computer to look at porn as much as he wanted.  Naturally I became intrigued by this concept as my "porn" browsing had been largely limited to ogling pictures of cheerleaders on NFL.com.  (And look what I've become today!)

I went over to Tylers's one Friday evening after school, and immediately became entranced with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition that his mom had bought him earlier that week.  Which struck me as awesome at the time, and not creepy, as it does now.  After thumbing through that for a little while, we set off to play video games until that magical time at night when everyone had gone to bed and the computer would be ours.

Being prone to going to bed early, I was shocked that not only was his sister still awake at midnight, but also using the nudie picture machine...er...computer.  As we watched TV a wall away in the living room, I tried to rationalize several plans that would enable me to see titties that much sooner.  We could say that we needed it for school.  Or we could offer her something to get her to go to bed.  (I forget what my retarded brain had come up with to offer her at the time.  Probably pogs or something.)

All we could do was wait though, wait and play Star Wars Podracer for the Nintendo 64 until at about two AM when she wandered off to bed.  This was later than I'd ever stayed up before, but I wasn't tired...there were titties at stake.  We waited another half hour to make sure that she was actually intent on going to sleep before making a beeline for the computer.

It was the single greatest moment of my life.  Tyler showed me his saved files, and then we went wandering around the internet.  I still remember how absolutely any photo that had a penis in it was instantly clicked away from.  (And now all I want to see are girls putting them in their mouths.)  I wish I remembered more about that night besides that Tyler had pretty good taste in naked women, but I don't.  I'm fairly certain that Tyler excused himself to go to the bathroom at least twice, something I didn't understand at the time.  (I was retarded, okay?)

One of the things I did learn that night is...holy shit...there's a thing on google that will return searches with NOTHING BUT PICTURES!  Holy fucking crap, I no longer had to click through link after link of search results only to find that the nudes were 48 year old women with big floppy boobs or tribal chicks with nappy-haired crotches.  I knew then what Christopher Columbus felt like when he discovered America.  Finding out about google image search was like planting my erect boner flag on a whole new world.



Two short years later, I would again discover the greatest thing on the internet...Bondage Pornography.

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