Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Five Ugliest Fanbases in Sports

5). Montreal Canadiens

The Habs come in last on this list because their fans aren't so much ugly as they are really obnoxious looking.  It's a known fact that Montreal is deep within Wannabe-France, also known as Quebec.  The reason that posers are much more annoying than actual supporters of a cause is because they tend to go all out in appearance and attitude to make up for what they lack in heart.  Thus Habs fans step up the French hipster look to a whole new level.

This is a Habs fan.

4). Toronto Maple Leafs Fans

Whereas Habs fans are inevitably bombarded with their douche culture, Maple Leafs fans simply eat and fight their way into fat disgustingness all on their own.  You know what they say in Toronto, "if this van's a rockin', I'm probably just searching for a donut under one of my fat rolls."  Having been to a number of Bills and Sabres games I've had a pretty decent amount of exposure to Leafs fans.  Torontoans flock en-masse to any and all Sabres games because they've pissed away too much of their money on beer and cigarettes and Sidney Crosby Team Canada jerseys to masturbate into to be able to afford seats in their own barn.  I would guess that at least 30% of opposing fans in HSBC arena for non-leaf games are Leafs fans.  They won;t spend their money on their own team, but they will spend it on other teams, just to be cocks.

3). Philadelphia Flyers Fans

A rare negative fan list where Philly doesn't take the top spot.  If the criteria was being assholes, or being stupid, I'd have to put Philly up there.  Philadelphia has one of the worst literacy rates in the country which means that Sully there next to you at a Flyers game probably purchased his jersey through a complex series of clicks, grunts, and hand gestures.  Look, most northeast fanbases are chock full of fat guys who can't spell their own names because it's fucking cold here and you can only write three letters in the snow with piss anyways.  But a lot of them also have plenty of attractive fans that tip the scales back to a more manageable level.  Philly just doesn't have enough.

Ladies, your choices are fat guy, and fat guy with moustache.

2). New York Rangers/Giants/Yankees Fans

Oh my god.  Obvious Jersey Shore jokes aside, these people are fucking disgusting.  Going to a Bills - Giants, or Sabres - Rangers game is like letter a newborn child use a freshly pressed suit for a diaper.  Now I know that Bills fans especially are not an attractive fanbase but the fans that came out of the woodwork for the Bills - Giants game I went to a few years back made me think Buffalo was South Beach.  Holy fucking shit, it was like a casting call for The Hills Have Eyes.  The amount of crabs was so rampant it was like a goddamn zergling rush.  They have running water in New York City now, right?  Use it.  Oh my fucking god.  Still, the NYC teams do have hot fans.  Their crotches may in fact be biological weapons, but you can look at them at a HazMat suit behind three panes of bulletproof glass.

 Too clean to be a giants fan.

1). Pittsburgh Steelers Fans

Every Pittsburgh Steelers fan is 350+ pounds and carrying food.  No exceptions.  If you aren't, then you're not a fan because you clearly haven't received your official membership yet.  Steelers fans are horrible.  They're one of the biggest bandwagon fanbases in sports, which NOBODY gets.  The cowboys, patriots, and colts are all accepted to have bandwagon fans, but Steelers fans "travel well."  Bullshit, every fat bastard in every bumfuck small town needs to find some redeeming quality to their lives so they jump on the bandwagon along with a rapist pedophile and a Samoan tranny.

When I was at the New York State Fair this past year, the most common team jersey was the Pittsburgh Steelers.  In a day and a half at the fair, I probably saw 10-15 of them.  Every single one of them was overweight and most of them were morbidly obese.  Every single one of them was fucking ugly, and every single one of them was carrying food.  Even the guy I saw IN THE MORNING ON THE WAY INTO THE FAIR had a paper plate of fried dough.  How the fuck does that even happen?  Where the hell did he get it, was it just tucked into his asscrack for safekeeping?  I wonder if Troy Polamalu knows how many fat white racist men (who would mistake him for a chocolate figurine and eat him) have his jersey.  Maybe that's why he has the long hair, to keep the fat bastards from being able to read his name.  Not that they can read anyways.

On Pittsburgh Steelers size charts, that shirt is a medium.

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