Friday, November 19, 2010

CV Responds Unsympathetically to FMLs

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML (Woman)

Maybe you shouldn't be so stingy with the blowjobs.

Today, was my four year anniversary with my husband. The night included going to a restaurant where he got drunk, getting kicked out of said restaurant, and refusing to have sex with me because I'm three months pregnant, and he'd "be doing his kid." I've been cock blocked by my unborn child. FML  (Woman)

That's what you get for marrying a dumbass.

Today, I found a pregnancy test in my wife's purse while looking for a quarter. I haven't had sex with my wife in 8 months. FML (Man)

Should have divorced her seven and a half months ago.

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML  (Woman)

I'm sorry, that's just hilarious.

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, 'I wish you liked anal.' FML (Woman)


Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML (Woman)

When I read this my mind immediately conjured an incredibly conjured a complicated statutory rape situation in which one twin sent nude pictures of herself while she was of age in the few seconds/minutes before her sister also became of age.

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML (Woman)

If you gave Pandora's box to a woman, that shit would be opened before it left your hands.  They're horrible at not barking up trees they know they don't want to climb.

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. Shes on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML (Man)

I learned the hard way not to fool around with stupid people too.

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML (Woman)

Why do people (not just women) think it's okay to not shave?  Seriously, that shit's nasty.

1 comment:

  1. Half of these people married or are with stupid individuals.