Saturday, October 30, 2010

Masculinity or Shit I Hate About Guys (Warning, NSFW)

Look, I'll be entirely honest.  The inspiration for writing this article is about how the male g-spot (or p-spot) is located in the ass, and how stimulation of said spot produces more intense orgasms, but most guys will never know because they're anal (haha!) about things that threaten their masculinity.  So yeah if you don't want to read about butt fucking, go look at LOLcats or something.


So, it's probably abundantly obvious by now, but I am a male.  I'm not a typical male though as evidenced by my lack of aversion to the prospect of things in my ass.  In fact, there are a lot of stereotypically "male" things that bug the crap out of me.  So let's begin in no particular order.

1). Car Guys
Look, I'm not some helpless hipster.  I change my oil on my own, and can handle most basic car maintenance issues.  I love my car, and I like the look of certain cars better than others.  I'm just not a fan of a guy that uses anything as a tangible representation (or extension!) of his dick.

Call me crazy but laying rubber out of a 7-11 in a souped up Honda Civic does not fit my definition of "cool."  I hate it when I see some asshole in a four hundred year old Mustang thinking they're hot shit as they get to 30 mph in half the time that my car can in the middle of fucking Baldwinsville.  If I see some jack off in a Porsche or something at the supermarket, I walk in the middle of the parking lot because no matter how cool they think they are, they'll still get butt raped after they go to jail for hitting a pedestrian.

And stop buying twenty year old beamers, everyone knows they're the cheap shit alternative to luxury cars.

2). Gym Rats
I'm a little torn on this, because I do appreciate people that like to keep in shape and stay active.  I have friends that go to the gym regularly and I even have friends that take nutritional supplements.  I'm fine with it.  But seriously, if you're so into lifting that you think the world wants to see your abs in every goddamn facebook picture you need to get another, less gay hobby.  You know what great abs and biceps are good for?  Looking at.  That's it.

Pictured: Not Jealousy

The truth is, if you had a nice dick, you wouldn't need to try so fucking hard.

3). Guys Who Love Action Movies
You're probably beginning to realize that I hate things that are so stereotypically male it makes you want to vomit testosterone, which I'm sure some slutty girls have literally done.  I just want to call a genderwide meeting and be like, come on, we can be smarter and more interesting than this.

I like Transformers II.  I liked the Die Hard movies.  Action movies do fulfill a purpose.  There are times when I'm tired, and I'm stressed and I don't want to think about anything.  I just want to slip in a movie and let it 'movie' at me for two hours.  That's what action movies are for.  I can handle maybe one a month.

I hate guys that can't sit down to watch anything without tits shaking in their face or a stupid car chase.  I hate fucking car chases.  God damn it I drive every fucking day, I don't want to watch it.  That's why the Bond movies are so unwatchable now.  They took away everything that made Bond movies interesting and endearing, like the technology, and the women, and the corniness, and turned them into two hours of Daniel Craig running from fire.

4). Boastful Drinkers
Granted this can be applied to the female gender as well since I rarely drink, and almost never drink a lot.  I just don't see the point in bragging about how much of an ass you can make of yourself, or how often you do it.  Now that isn't to say it isn't funny.  The time I got wasted on the fourth of July and failed at jumping a fence?  Hilarious.  But it was one of only two or three times I got drunk that year.

When it becomes a recurring theme, it stops being funny and starts being sad.  I don;t think it's awesome when someone brags how much liquor they can hold, or how wasted they are at a party, I think it's sad that they need such an abundance of a social crutch to be able to entertain themselves.  And plus, what's cool about not having full control of your mental faculties.  Like yeah, I totally couldn't water ski right now...AWESOME!

Or maybe you can...

5). Homophobic Guys
Saving the best for last, because this is really the crux of the issue, isn't it?  Stupid men hate things that threaten their masculinity, or things they think threaten their masculinity.  That's why they hone in so hard on cars, or stupid movies, or alcohol, or lifting, or Bruce Willis.  Society presents the image of the ideal man as a strong, tough, stoic creature.  Guys feel they need to like certain things in order to live up to that image.

Anything that presents them as weak, or feminine is shunned, even if it's something they might actually like, such as an interesting romantic comedy, or an efficient care, or anal play.  I think it's all bullshit.  I think that the only thing that guys really need to project to be able to feel masculine is confidence.

Masculinity isn't adhering to a certian set of obscure and inane parameters.  It's having the courage to say, yeah I like this shit.  A lot of guys don't, but fuck you, I do...and I'm okay with it.

1 comment:

  1. I like Final Fantasy games, and it's quite evident that more "feminine" (for lack of a better description) men are popular in that society. Almost all of the leam male characters seem imasculine, though they always have the token stoic male that is mean and masculine and your power hitter. Regardless, it's an American thing to some degree I think.