Sunday, October 31, 2010

Making Eggs 101

I love scrambled eggs.  Making scrambled eggs on the other hand can be a harrowing experience.  You'll probably need multiple eggs so get cracking.  Literally.

Once you have your eggs in your receptacle (I use a coffee mug), feel free to wash your hands and the edge of the mug because you're deathly afraid of accidentally ingesting raw egg and getting egg AIDS.

Next add some milk to your concoction.  I have no idea why, that's just what my mom told me.  The amount of milk has never been specified.  Based on experience, I have been forced to conclude that the correct volume is "just enough so you have to wrangle with centrifugal forces to scramble the mixture without spilling any and having to endure another hand washing."

I usually use a fork to stir my egg-snot mixture.  My preferred method is to viciously stab to break the yolks before mixing everything into a viscous pool of disgusting.

After everything is appropriately scrambled, pour the contents into a pan on the stove and turn to medium-high.  Things take a while to cook, so I like to occupy myself with something else.  Making toast and putting the snot mug into the dish washer are good activities.

When you hear the bird fetuses screaming in agony, you know it's time to poke at your eggs with a spatula so you don't wind up with one half burnt, and the other half a goopy uncooked mess.  I like to use plastic spatulas because the metal ones tend to catch on the rough edge of the bottom of the pan and become egg nastiness catapults.

The google image results for bird fetuses were too disturbing, so here's a picture of cats humping.

You should probably overcook your eggs somewhere between  a slight brown tinge, and apocalyptic meteor death because once again, egg AIDS is a very real and dangerous threat.  But now you're ready to enjoy your deilcious scrambled eggs!

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