Wednesday, October 6, 2010

How to be a Whore on Facebook

So, you're a whore.  Good for you, but there's the dilemma.  Do people know you're a whore?  Do your facebook friends know you're a whore?  If they don't...then you're not really a whore, are you?

Step 1: Choosing the appropriate photo.

I'll just be perfectly honest, if your face isn't contorted into one of these abominations for your profile pic, then you might as well be bathing in holy water and sleeping on a bed of bibles.

Option 1


This is the go-to, best known as duckface.  It gets its name from the action you have to take from people throwing shit at you because you look retarded.  Now admittedly, because I am a guy, it doesn't quite have the same effect.  No one really wants to see my lips, and I haven't shaved in at least three days.  (Hey, if I'm going to be unemployed, then I'm going to  look unemployed.

Option 2

Maybe you don't want to go with duckface.  Understandable, you need something to distance yourself from other whores.  I give you, surprised smile face.  Why look like a Mallard when you can look like somebody suddenly stuck something in your ass...but you kind of liked it?  Note the crinkled forehead.  This is important because guys like a varying topography upon which to drop their load.  Of course, maybe you're being too subtle...

Option 3

Time to show off your most valuable asset.  The fact that you have a mouth, are willing to open it and hey...what the hell...get some tongue action in there too.



Step 2: Talk the talk

Look, as a whore, we all know you're shallow, but even you understand that simply looking the part isn't enough.  What follows a whore around closer than the degrading stink of Herpes?  Drama!  But it's not enough to have drama.  You need to share your drama with others.  Why stop at just spreading nasty diseases?!

Better yet, facebook is like a drama A-bomb.  You've got that status, now use it!  Best ways to share drama are:

Bitching about how much you hate drama.  Non-dramatic people don't hate drama, they just don't give enough of a shit to have any.

Bitching about how "done" you are with: boys / facebook / life / corporeal existence.  We all know you're not, but we'll like your status anyways!

Bitching about how much boys / facebook / life / crocs / shoes suck.  Because nothing says drama like the deadly combination of hyperbole and repetition!  It's facebooks's version of diarrhea with bouts of nausea.

Bitching about the maturity of others.  Here's a little news flash.  Mature people could not give less of a shit about their maturity or how it relates to those around them.  Why?  They're mature enough to be beyond it!  (Shocker).


Step 3: Holding to Unrealistic Expectations

Alright, we're getting there.  You've already got the look, and proven that you're selfish, entitled and stupid.  Now it's time to really drive the point home with your completely unrealistic views on what life should be like.

Again, facebook is at your fingertips, this time with its retarded groups.  You need to join at least thirty of each of the following.

  • X things Y gender should ALWAYS do for Z gender.  (Don't forget its counterpart).
  • If # people join this group I will surgically remove my sphincter (and all iterations).
  • Facebook needs to _______.  (Not saying I disagree, but come on.  That's kind of like saying old people need to stop driving.  Everyone knows it).
  • No less than 30 groups about the minutiae of everyday life.  Because we all need to know how much you love/hate it when you get a text right after you put your phone in your pocket and contract the clap when you were really going for AIDS and whatever.
  • Any other commentary on relationships.  Here's a little hint.  EVERY relationship is unique in some way.  We don't need a facebook group for every single one.  (But you should probably join them all).
  • At least two political causes that everyone knows you don't fully understand.  Whores can be worldly, right?
And if facebook statuses haven't increased your level of passive-aggression, there's always liking a page or joining a group directly applicable to someone you just talked to and know is online...and know is looking at your page...because nobody has anything else to do...right?


Step 4: How much do you really get around?

Ah, you're coming along quite nicely.  Now you need to make it abundantly clear that everything gets a ride.  Now facebook does make it a little easy to get out of control but....

If your number of likes and groups numbers in the thousands...be wary of whispers between friends.  They're not planning a surprise party...they're planning an intervention.

If your number of friends numbers in the thousands, and you don't have a career that involves networking (i.e. Media), you might want to send former partners messages to get tested.  Look, I don't think you're missing anything by not friending that guy in Biology class that said hi, that is transferring after a semester and you'll never speak to again.  Plus when you're an adult, and you see the sheer amount of friends you don't give a shit about on your facebook, it makes it that much easier to clean things up a bit.

Stop taking photos.  Not everything needs to be fucking cataloged extensively like its a god damned crime scene.  Know how many pictures you need of prom?  Three.  A "look at my gorgeous dress" pic, a "look at how cute me and my date are" pic, and a "look at all my friends, at least 50% of which I actively dislike but hang around with anyways" pic.  That's fucking it.  We don't need to see eight bazillion shots of the same pose.  We don't need to photographic evidence of how much of a flaming retard you are when you say you have dance skills.  (Actually take that one, it might help in shutting you the hell up later).  We don't need four hundred family vacation photos.  Who the hell takes the time to upload a bajillion photos to facebook anyways?

And finally, whores hang around with other whores.  They're like magnets with crabs.  If you don't have at least twenty guy friends with shirtless profile pics, I'm sorry, but you're just a wannabe.


I'm CriminallyVu1gar, and I'm going to go out and celebrate the fact that sleeping with everything makes me awesome...not gross.  Thank you and good night.

3 comments:

  1. This whole post is brilliant.

    I'm thinking of my profile pictures right now that I've used on Facebook, and I think I only made the duck face once...unfortunately. I'M A FRAUD TO EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN.

    Also, since I don't have Facebook Mobile I can't document my entire life in photographs and post them on the interwebs. Probably a good thing.

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  2. Interesting post. What's more interesting is the hoodie you're wearing - might it have an embroidered buffalo on it?!??! If so then you can't help but look dashing no matter what face you make.

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  3. That'd be the one. :) Seriously, my favorite hoodie ever.

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