Friday, October 8, 2010

Hess Sucks

I am a Sunoco guy through and through, and I'll tell you why.  Sunoco is easy, Sunoco makes sense.  Sunoco isn't concerned with providing enough light to confuse every nocturnal animal within three counties.  Seriously, go to a Hess station at night.  The level of illumination can only be described as GOD HIMSELF SHITTING GIANT BEAMS OF PURITY DIRECTLY INTO YOUR SOUL.

But the real kicker is convenience.  The only reason I ever go to Hess is that it usually involves making two right turns on my way home as opposed to the Sunoco, which is two lefts.  Sunoco is also near the new red light, so even though traffic may not be moving, you won't be able to get out because of the line of cars stopped at the light.  But my patience is wearing thin...

This is what getting gas at Sunoco is like:
Swipe Card
Select [Credit] ---- [Debit]
Push Button
Pump Gas

A relatively simple ordeal.  You'd think this would be standard practice, but nooooo.

Hess:
Select [Pay Inside] ---- [Pay Credit Here] ---- [Pay Debit Here]
Why would I need to push a goddamn button if I'm going to pay inside? 

Swipe card.

Select [Credit] ---- [Debit]
What the fuck stupid machine?  Weren't you paying any goddamn attention?

Input Area Code, then hit Enter
God damnit Hess, you and your government spying.  Where the hell is the fucking Enter key?  Everything you've wanted me to touch has been one of the four buttons to the left of the screen.  If this enter key is so goddamn important, why isn't it a different color rather than buried beneath the numberpad in that same suspicious gray color?  It's probably reading my fingerprint along with the area code and sending snipers to set up outside my house.  I'm on to you Hess.

Take Pump, Lift weird little Lever Thing, Pump Gas

Sunoco has a button, Hess has a lever.  Need I point out who is more advanced?

Fuck Hess.  You think you're sooo cool because of your crappy little plastic green firetrucks and space shuttles and helicopters.  Fuck you to hell.

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