Friday, September 10, 2010

A Visitor's Guide to the Syracuse Suburbs

I swear I've done this before, but I didn't see an entry on it, so here we go.

Baldwinsville - Congratulations, you have decided to go to Baldwinsville!  I hope you like fourteen year olds that hang outside gas stations and smoke pot because those are the only people that live here!  We once had two Dunkin Donuts and thirty-four Rite aids, but they closed most of them!  We suck so much, we couldn't even finish demolishing our decrepit mall!

Chittenango - I actually don't have a lot of negative things to say about Chittenango.  Sure it's a little hickish, and the predominant structure is tin shanty, but I confess, I kind of like it there.  Maybe it's the relatively nice Oneida Lake, maybe its the people who've been surprisingly friendly.  Maybe they're replacing my hate pills with Placebos.

Cicero - You're never really in Cicero, you're just driving by it.  This is because about 95% of Cicero is either I-81 or I-481.

Fayetteville/Manlius - Imagine if you will, that Central New York is a giant sand timer.  And that instead of sand, it's filled with money and Asian people.  Fayetteville/Manlius would be the bottom of that timer hoarding all of the above.  They're not really Nassau County Rich.  They're just, feel slightly better than everyone else righ.  In other words, much worse.

Fulton - Where cousin-fucking isn't illegal, it's a town pastime!  And you thought the deep south was rural, wait until you start to head too far north in New York State.  The only difference is here, it snows occasionally.  (And by occasionally, I mean nonstop).

Liverpool - If Baldwinsville were a toked up Charlie Brown, then Liverpool is Pigpen, you know, if Pigpen were also into drugs.

Onondaga - Like the cream filling in a donut out of poop.  Onondaga is situated right next to some of the shittiest parts of the city of Syracuse.  Ever go from crackhouses to mansions without even making a turn?  Welcome to Onondaga!

Oswego - Welcome to Oswego, New York's biggest cultural experiment.  What do you get when you take a couple thousand Fulton residents who just want to "get the hell out," (and rightfully so), move them a few miles towards the lake, and pump them full of booze six nights a week?  Oswego...yaaaay!

Valley/Eastwood - Hope you packed a bulletproof vest, a tazer, and a rape whistle.  And I hope you're prepared to have all of them shoved up your ass as you get mugged in Valley/Eastwood.  Ah Valley, the only time I've ever seen the cops called for a little league game (true).  Ah Eastwood, where the teenagers reproduce like the Ebola virus (true).  I think I need to go shower now.

West Genessee/Camillus - You have entered wigger central, home of the burbs' biggest wannabe ghetto area.  Is it a part of the city, is it a suburb?  No one knows.

(For the record, I live in Baldwinsville).  Don't get mad because it's mean.  Get mad because it's true.


  1. B'ville grad 92. You are right on except there was a fairly large wigger population in Liverpool in the late 80s Thus the name Wiggerpool.

  2. I think everyone in CNY were potheads and drinkers..A little LSD also. Now there are a few party a little or they are now crackheads.