Thursday, September 2, 2010

Highlights of the New York State Fair

I like the fair, I do.  Even though it always seems to be 9,000 degrees (not hyperbole) and more walking than it's worth.  What I really like is the people.  Holy shit.  If for some reason, the evil Dr. Good Taste is laying waste to the earth and I need to summon all the trailer trash to one final battle to fend him off, all I need to do is hold a fair at that location.  Ho.  Lee.  Shit.

Some highlights:

Today was Justin Bieber's night to perform, so I'll just warn you that this is going to be littered with cracks at him and his fans.  If you can't handle me making fun of a sixteen year old who looks like Ellen Degeneres's love child, leave.  (To be fair, I don't hate Justin Bieber.  I think he's a good singer who is too young for his songs to have any sort of resonance or importance.  Thus I am indifferent to this phenomenon unless it makes me laugh).

Numerous chants, yells, and T-shirts about "Bieber Fever," which sounds like "beaver fever."  I'm not sure if I want to catch that or not.

Two unaccompanied adult women sporting homemade Justin Bieber t-shirts.  Ewwwww...

An old guy with a shirt that read, "Fat People are Harder to Kidnap.


Walking through throngs of people to find a spot to see Lady Antebellum, and yelling to my mom, "holy shit, I feel like I'm at a hockey game.  I'm counting teeth and I haven't reached double digits yet."  And the ensuing dirty looks that followed.

A thirty plus year old woman in a tube dress with DD boobs that were shitting on the face of the laws of physics.  There was no bra.  Trust me on that one.

Was milling by one of the gates with my sister listening to her try and direct her friend (who had come in the wrong gate) to our location.  The lady waiting next to us with two kids was trying to help us out.  Upon chatting with her for a little while I noticed something that needed to be addressed.  "Why does your son have a Sabres t-shirt and a Canucks hat on?" I asked.  Apparently they were from Massena (home of Zach Bogosian) and he liked the Sabres best, Canucks second best (because his favorite animal is a killer whale...sweet) and the Thrashers third.  This five or six year old boy then had the presence of mind to ask me if I liked Tim Connolly because he's from Syracuse.  Yeah, we don't have the most intelligent fans or anything...

Me wearing my LGBTeriffic shirt while the lady in one of the Jesus booths tried to hand me Jesus propaganda...and me ignoring her completely.

Getting a discount on the Austria shirt (and future Vanek Jersey-shirt) I bought because it was the display version.

If you're not cringing it means I successfully upload a photo of the shirt and not one of several shots of my penis.


Trying to drive home and finding that not only did our aisle contract into nothing, so did the aisle next to us.  NYS Fair, maybe you should stop hiring Central New York's future high school dropouts to direct parking.

Seeing at least four people in Steelers hats, and they were all 350+ pounds and carrying food.  Even the guy I saw on the way in.  Then some black dude stopped him and was like "yo dawg, I heard you like food, so we put food in your hand so you can get fat while you exercise."  Way to do nothing to change that stereotype, meatheads.

Several stares and looks from old parents in mustaches (moms and dads alike!) because of my LGBTeriffic shirt.

Seeing a carny shout "I have a pretty girl discount" to three fairly homely looking girls.  They were having none of that.

Seeing Justin Bieber photos on the boards of several of the dart carnival games.

Two words.  "Duck Races."  'Nuff said.

A girl whose boobs were Niagara Fallsing over her hilariously inadequate top.  They were nice.

Every bare midriff I saw was sported by someone who was totally justified in baring their midriff.  Even the thirty five year old beer lady who looked stunning.  Having this happen on a day at the fair is about as likely as seeing Jesus lasso a dinosaur in Central Park...in space!

There was a moment when three girls in their upper teens to lower twenties passed us.  One of them suddenly reached up and full-on grabbed her friend's very nice ass.  This wasn't a joking pinch mind you, this was a full on, I am ramming my cock into your cervix grab.  Nice.

The girl with the awesome angel-wing tattoos on her back.  Very nice.

Standing less than three feet in front of two girls I knew in high school (who were in my circle of friends and who I hated), not being recognized, and farting in their general direction.  Thank you hot wings.

I think we'll end it there.

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