Sunday, September 19, 2010

Eastern Conference Team by Team Analyses You Can Put On Twitter (If you abbreviate words that I refuse to)

Atlantic
New York Rangers - Trade for rights to Mark Mancari and Matt Ellis in effort to fortify their team with Sabres sloppy seconds.  At mention of the term "Sloppy Seconds," Avery gets a boner.

New York Islanders - Rick Diepietro misses season with bruised ego.  Nassau Coliseum falls apart.  Remains inhabited by homeless.

New Jersey Devils - Broduer has decent season, fans continue to neither show up, nor give a shit.  Devils sign Snooki to play left wing to build spray-tan fan base.

Philadelphia Flyers - Eleven different people play at least one game in net including Michael Leighton, Brian Boucher, Drunk Ed Balfour, Sober Ed Balfour, and Nikolai Khabibulin's prison bitch.

Pittsburgh Penguins - Over/under on annoying things Crosby does this season - 398.  Take the over.  Opposing fans vandalize "House that Crosby Built" to hilarious extent.



Northeast
Ottawa Senators - Pascal Leclair dies after sneezing on himself.  Mike Fisher comes out of the closet.  CV consoles a distraught Carrie Underwood.

Boston Bruins - Tuukka Rask enters a pie eating contest, rocketing to a three pies to nothing lead before somehow choking on the fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh pies.

Montreal Canadians - Season canceled after home opener win.  City burnt to ground.  Mysterious ghostly ole chant heard in remains.

Toronto Maple Leafs - That's it.  No, seriously.  Those first three words were the joke.

Buffalo Sabres - In game against Anaheim, Darcy Regier manages impressive Niedermayer switch without Bob Murray noticing.



Sp-ed...er...Southeast
Washington Capitals - Beats the ever loving shit out of the four high school teams in their division.  Could win division with sixty points.

Carolina Hurricanes - Dear Carolina fans, I am glad you know what a sellout feels like.  Sincerely, Fans of every northern team.

Tampa Bay Lightning - Being on the Lightning.  #DanEllisProblems

Florida Panthers - Philosophical Question.  If a game is played at the Bank Atlantic Center, and only tarps are watching, does anybody win?

Atlanta Thrashers - Thrashers playing Chelsea Dagger after goals.  Unveil new third jersey.

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