Saturday, September 11, 2010

Cosmopolitan: Retardation since...1886, wtf, really?!

I buy Cosmo.  I confess.  I know that it's always chock full of abysmally stupid advice, but so is everything these days.  I like the confession articles, and it often the sex advice is at least amusing, if not downright accurate.
Ah, but that stupidity.  I bring you excerpts from the October 2010 issue.

Under, "Surprising Factors that Make a Guy Eager to Meet You."
"You're being chatted up by another guy. - A man will subconsciously zero in on a woman other guys are focusing on...and crave her more as a result.  So acting flirty with your hot guy friend could help pique the interest of that Ryan Reynolds look-alike sitting a few bar stools away.

Ugh, kill me now.  This is so stupid I had to roll a dice just to figure out where to start.  First of all, looking like you're interested in another guy is NOT going to encourage someone you actually ARE interested in to come chat you up.  You know what is?  ACTUALLY TALKING TO THE FUCKING GUY YOU'RE INTERESTED.  Look, I like Cosmo, contrary to popular belief it does often offer good advice.  But the advice that advises women to act like shallow logic-less whores almost completely overshadows it.

Furthermore, Cosmo tells the girl she could do it with a close friend.  Flirting with someone you already know to some extent.  Hmm, know what that looks like?  It looks like you're fucking taken.  Who the hell is interested then?  I mean aside from the douchebag that likes skeeving on another guy's girl.  The only way this is even remotely okay is if said friend is very obviously not your boyfriend.  Like, he has another girl on his arm.  Or a Rainbow T-shirt.  Or a dick in his mouth.

Finally, the imagery in the last sentence is just disgusting.  I can't help but picture some diseased barfly leaning over her drink, coughing and making eyes at every guy half her age that strolls into that obviously fine establishment.  Puke.

The Next is from one of their Q&A Advice Columns,
During sex, my husband whispers in my ear and asks me to tell him how hot his body is and how much it's turning me on.  I find it bizarre...and distracting.  Does he do it to feel more dominant or what?  How can I get him to stop without bruising his ego?

Oh my fucking god.  This woman things that a guy wanting to be told he's attractive during sex is bizarre.  Wait, what, guys like having their egos stroked?  HOLY FUCKING SHIT I NEVER KNEW!  How the hell old or sheltered is this woman that she finds THAT to be bizarre?  Not sheltered enough since she's actually fucking someone apparently.
This woman needs to spend a day sitting behind me while I surf the internet.  I will GIVE her a proper context for bizarre.  She thinks wanting the woman to say "oh yeah baby I'm so wet," is a bizarre fetish?  Come join me in the world of bondage, BDSM, restraint, whipping, flogging, spanking, clothespins, and Master/slave play.  Or we could go creepier and get into blood fetishes, foot fetishes, diaper fetishes, CBT, chastity devices, electro-play, breath control, and water sports.  (Warning: Don't google anything I mention unless you're sufficiently prepared).

Same Column.
My guy is convinced that most women are physically incapable of orgasming every time.  I finish about half the time, but he seems to think he has no control over the situation and it just happens randomly.  I've tried telling him that I could orgasm more if we worked on it, but he won't.  What can I do to get him to start worrying about pleasing me?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Man did this girl draw the proverbial short straw of sexual partners.  Man this guy is either an asshole, lazy, really stupid or some awesome combination of all three.  I feel for women, I really do.  Sexually, it had been obligatory for the woman to make the guy cum, and optional for him to return the favor for quite some time.  For a while the female orgasm was thought to be a myth in itself.

This is a perfect instance of Cosmo not being at fault for their reader's stupidity.  My response to the question would have been a lot shorter than the actual response.  Beat the hell out of his nuts until he wants to be equal.  A lot of people think that since I have a healthy interest in BDSM as a mostly dominant switch, that I am a bit of a chauvinist.  (I don't exactly make many comments to dissuade this belief, but hey if people can't take a joke then fuck 'em).  But i am all about equality, especially in bed.  If you want to cum, you damn sure better want to make your partner cum, if not immediately, then later that day.

Cosmo's "Hilarious" author, comic, and columnist Chelsea Handler and everything she touches.
Seriously, she's like the anti-King Midas where everything worthwhile she touches turns to feces.  I'm not going to take the time to type her entire column of stupidity because frankly, it's not worth it, but here are some highlights:
  • On Vajazzling - "Our no-no parts aren't attractive, and there's no reason to try and jazz them up."  Okay, maybe your lower lips look like someone sodomized a pig with a lit stick of dynamite and let er rip, but oftentimes they look quite nice.  Would guys want to stick their face in something ugly?  No.  That having been said, begrudgingly good call on vajazzling.  Have the guts to pierce something down there, or leave the jewels alone.
  • "It's no secret I was a big fan of the first installment of the Sex and the City Movies."  Enough said.  Actually she goes on to say that the franchise (coming out with a third movie) needs to kill itself.  Fair point.  But that's kind of like realizing that sticking your cock into a whirring blender is a bad idea AFTER the plastic surgeon is super-gluing a prosthetic tube to your now smooth genital area.  (And every male reader just cringed).
  • On Skype Sex - "I thought Skype was a type of rash associated with sex."  Because you are a dumb whore.  "When I found out (lengthy explanation of what it is), I felt both relieved and sad for my friend who said she had Skype sex all the time."  Because you are a dumb whore.  "Sex can be humiliating enough (dumb whore) without having to do it on camera."  Because you are a dumb whore.

Cosmo's Back of the Mag Quizzes
If you are in a relationship with a girl who takes Cosmo's quizzes with even a hint of seriousness, fucking run.  Get in your white Bronco and make like OJ.  They are easily the worst part of the magazine and have been ridiculed by everyone with a working larynx.  Not to mention they're fucking stupid.  Anyone with even a minimal IQ can immediately see through the quiz, and what answers will give them their desired result.  They're like taking a personality test administered by Simple Jack.  (I know, I know, the real retard here is me for watching Tropic Thunder).  Just stay away.

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