Thursday, September 30, 2010

Defining Buffalo

I think I can say with complete and utter sincereity that opposing fans simply do not understand.  New Yorkers do not understand.  Carolinian definitely do not understand.  Syracusans...well...I don't really need to finish that sentence.

There is something quite magical about HSBC Arena, the people within it, and the land around it.  Something so indefinably special that other arenas just don't have.  It's almost impossible to define.

Going to HSBC arena is a journey, regardless of where you're coming from.  For me it begins coasting down the hill to my house onto Rte. 31, driving through the country until I can get in I-90.  Then it's watching the landmarks pass as I get closer.  The Waterloo Outlet Mall, The Montezuma Wildlife Refuge, The Microtel, the Glass Building, The Riverton Community, The Clarence Rest Area,  The _90s count down as you get closer.  590...490...390...290...190...  The Buffalo sign looms.  "An All America City."  Right next to Canada.

After a couple hours, you're speeding past The Galleria on your left, looking over your other shoulder trying to find an opening to make that last lane change before the Downtown Buffalo exit.  As you drive down the 190, the smell overtakes you.  Is it Cheerios?  Is it Lucky Charms?  It's neither.  It's Buffalo.

The arena looms over the 190, popping out among the decaying infrastructure.  I get off at exit six, letting a few people merge in front of me.  I'm always friendlier in Buffalo.  I circle around to Michigan and make a left onto Scott Street, parking at the little chain-link fence lot right on the corner.  It's only a few blocks walk and it's more fun milling through the throngs of Sabres fans on the approach.

The journey is different for everyone.  Perhaps you drive down Elmwood, watching the shops pass and cursing the red lights.  Or ride the metro, shoulder to shoulder with some guy clinging to the better years of his Afinogenov jersey.  Perhaps you park in the sketchy lot run by foreigners under the overpass.  Or in the iron-fenced "Alcatraz Lot" right by the arena, of which there is no escape.

Whenever I'm at HSBC arena, during an intermission or a stoppage in play, I always take the time to look around.  To bask in the other 18,689 individuals present.  They are moments in which I've never felt more at home.  Me, an admitted introvert, feeling at home packed into a building with thousands of other people.

There are so many things you can feel, so many sensations that assault your senses.  There's the anticipation as you mill through the lines with hundreds of others clad in blue and gold.  The excitement riding the escalators to your seats.  The awe at the always suprising cavernous size of the ice and spectator area.  There's the familiarity as the signs begin to go up.  "Population of Pominville" above  311 and 312, "Sabres Rally" above 306, the odd pink and green Goose sign between 319 and 320, "We Believe" above 303, "Duck Duck Goose," above 302 and sadly departed "Mair's Office," above 300.  I'll be honest, I wasn't sad to see Mair leave, but I will miss that sign.  It's a part of home that is forever gone.

Unless you go there, unless you're from there, unless you live there, you simply do not understand.  I think what gets me, what really gets me is witnessing, and sharing in the happiness of thousands of people rise from the stands, and knowing thousands more are jumping with you in adulation from their couches.

I never felt anything when I went to church.  I never felt anything at school.  I feel something in Buffalo.  I feel something at Ralph Wilson Stadium, I feel something at HSBC Arena.  I feel something.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hockey Fight of the Week

Double dose this week since I forgot last week!

Sabres Prospect Zack Kassian

Cody McCormick vs. Jay Rosehill

Vulgar Statistics: Transplant Phenomenon

As I mentioned last week, and as we all know, southern hockey attendances leave much to be desired.  As many of us have noticed, the “Let’s Go Buffalo,” chants in southern buildings seem particularly loud.  (We’re notorious in Carolina for this).  So just how much are southern attendance figures bolstered by transplanted and traveling northern hockey fans?  Let’s find out.

Read more at BBG

Bed Cat...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Western Conference Team by Team Analyses You Can Put On Twitter (If you abbreviate words that I refuse to)

Central Division

Detroit Red Wings - Red Wings players to be payed in heated euros this season...just like every other season.

St. Louis Blues - Like Buffalo North, Buffalo south will be watched by thousands of jealous fans from Montreal.

Columbus Blue Jackets - If you're wondering what that sound out of Columbus is, it's about 2,500 season tickets being flushed.

Nashville Predators - Roadtrip to Bridgestone Arena just to sit in the same crowd as Taylor Swift?  Yes please.

Chicago Blackhawks - Da da duh da da duh da da duh da da...

Northwest Division

Colorado Avalanche - If Roethlisberger sat down to watch an Avs game, he could get some great tips on how to be a lecher in Colorado from Craig Anderson

Minnesota Wild - When do wild fans start becoming leafs fans south?  A bajillion sellouts...uninspiring team.  Just sayin...

Calgary Flames - I like the Flames, but I hope they name Jokinen captain just to piss Lambert off.

Vancouver Canucks - Roberto Luongo strips himself of captaincy.  This comes about four months after the Chicago Blackhawks stripped him of his dignity...again.

Edmonton Oilers - What can I really say?  I like the Oilers, but jesus, watching them is like rooting for Verne Troyer in an MMA heavyweight match.

Pacific Division

Dallas Stars - Anyone want to see Kari Lehtonen and Rick DiPietro in a goalie fight?  The over/under on that would be .5, and that's the number of ACLs remaining.

Phoenix Coyotes - Go directly to Hamilton.  Do not pass Glendale.  Do not collect a lease agreement.

Los Angeles Kings - Jon be nimble, Jon be quick.  Jon don't die and watch Bernier take your job.  Hey remember that good year Pascal Leclaire had...?

Anaheim Ducks - The first rule of teams you don't give a shit about is that you do not talk about teams you don't give a shit about.

San Jose Sharks - net...

Monday, September 20, 2010

Query Letter for Arnett Tanner Wants to Die

I'm not sure if I like this.  I think it's decent, but I took a pretty formal approach and fear it might be a bit boring.  Comments would be helpful.


I am currently seeking an agent for my completed 70,000-word dystopian drama Arnett Tanner Wants to Die. The novel is set several hundred years in the future where medical and data storage technology have advanced to the point where people's consciousnesses can be downloaded and reintegrated into a new body after physical death, thus making immortality a reality. The United States government has gone one step further and mandated this immortality, requiring each citizen to regularly create personality backups in the event that they unexpectedly perish.

The story follows Arnett Tanner, an extremely intelligent man who is somewhat infamous for having performed the most successful suicides. Tanner seeks an end to the world that he considers to be an unyielding torment of continued mediocrity and monotony. Unlike many suicide cases, his reasons are not borne out of personal tragedy, but rather reason and logic he has developed for several hundred years.

After he kills himself for the fourth time, his Suicide Watch Officer, Lars Hanson enrolls him in a series of archaic sessions of group therapy. There he meets Havoc Bentley, a perturbed young (looking) woman who has a fan-girl-esque obsession with Tanner and an adulation for what he's been able to "accomplish."

Tanner begrudgingly begins to grow closer to Havoc as she introduces him to an underground pro-death group known as The Reapers. His feelings become torn between the increasingly endearing Havoc, and the possibility of using the group's considerable resources to make his fifth suicide the final act in his long life.

Throughout the story Tanner struggles with addressing his changing emotions, emotions he thought had been ironclad for decades. As Havoc becomes an increasing aspect of his life, and his SWO Lars experiences his own personal tragedy, Tanner is forced to decide who he can trust and what he really wants, while society finds itself faced important and polarizing question. Is a world in which death is obsolete, truly a positive existence?

I am a twenty-three year old unpublished writer and have been writing fantasy since the age of fifteen. Arnett Tanner Wants to Die is the third novel I have completed and the second I have attempted to query. Should Arnett Tanner Wants to Die interest you, the completed 70,000 word manuscript is available upon request.


Alexander S. Bauer

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Eastern Conference Team by Team Analyses You Can Put On Twitter (If you abbreviate words that I refuse to)

New York Rangers - Trade for rights to Mark Mancari and Matt Ellis in effort to fortify their team with Sabres sloppy seconds.  At mention of the term "Sloppy Seconds," Avery gets a boner.

New York Islanders - Rick Diepietro misses season with bruised ego.  Nassau Coliseum falls apart.  Remains inhabited by homeless.

New Jersey Devils - Broduer has decent season, fans continue to neither show up, nor give a shit.  Devils sign Snooki to play left wing to build spray-tan fan base.

Philadelphia Flyers - Eleven different people play at least one game in net including Michael Leighton, Brian Boucher, Drunk Ed Balfour, Sober Ed Balfour, and Nikolai Khabibulin's prison bitch.

Pittsburgh Penguins - Over/under on annoying things Crosby does this season - 398.  Take the over.  Opposing fans vandalize "House that Crosby Built" to hilarious extent.

Ottawa Senators - Pascal Leclair dies after sneezing on himself.  Mike Fisher comes out of the closet.  CV consoles a distraught Carrie Underwood.

Boston Bruins - Tuukka Rask enters a pie eating contest, rocketing to a three pies to nothing lead before somehow choking on the fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh pies.

Montreal Canadians - Season canceled after home opener win.  City burnt to ground.  Mysterious ghostly ole chant heard in remains.

Toronto Maple Leafs - That's it.  No, seriously.  Those first three words were the joke.

Buffalo Sabres - In game against Anaheim, Darcy Regier manages impressive Niedermayer switch without Bob Murray noticing.
Washington Capitals - Beats the ever loving shit out of the four high school teams in their division.  Could win division with sixty points.

Carolina Hurricanes - Dear Carolina fans, I am glad you know what a sellout feels like.  Sincerely, Fans of every northern team.

Tampa Bay Lightning - Being on the Lightning.  #DanEllisProblems

Florida Panthers - Philosophical Question.  If a game is played at the Bank Atlantic Center, and only tarps are watching, does anybody win?

Atlanta Thrashers - Thrashers playing Chelsea Dagger after goals.  Unveil new third jersey.

Vulgar Statistics: Some Interesting Attendance Figures

I walked into the arena for the jersey unveiling yesterday, took a look at the cordoned off and therefore empty 200 and 300 sections and said, “so…this is how it feels to be a Canes fan.”  Between the crowd (around 3,500), street hockey players and spectators for Hockey Fest (around 2,000) and people milling about the arena and Sabres store (around 1,000), there were about 6,500 people in attendance.

So, going back to my initial comment…how true is it?  Better yet, if we take the Sabres pre-season numbers, how do those compare?

Read more at BBG

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Images from

 Morrisonn, Gaustad and Stafford Model the New Jerseys

 Vanek Shows Off the Back of the Third

Look, if you don't like these, then you're just a fascist that hates love and peace and happiness and LOLcats.

My thoughts:

The Home:
I think we all pretty much knew what this was going to look like.  

The Third:
I liked it first, but I wasn't completely sold.  But the more I saw it, the better it looked.  I think the yellow nameplates look awesome, and the script lettering on the front is as good as it could be.

The Away:
Oh.  My.  God.  I haven't stopped jizzing my pants since I first saw it.  This is the best uniform in the NHL, no contest.  I may even cheat on my red jersey with one.

Girl Gamers

Let's get one thing straight.  There is no middle ground when it comes to the male reaction to female gamers.  The responses are as polarizing as responses would be for a youtube video of Glenn Beck wrestling Rachel Maddow in jello.  (Now picture it).

Thanks fastertimes!

One of the things male gamers need to realize is that female gamers are not all that uncommon.  A good many of them hide behind names that do little to suggest their gender.  And since no one really feels the need to proclaim whether they have an innie or an outie below the belt, their existence often goes unnoticed.

However, in games that utilize microphones, or in cases where the gender is obvious per the username (as obvious as things get on the internet), not noticing a female ally or adversary is impossible.  Here is a flowchart detailing each response.  As you can see it gets quite complicated.

If this is confusing, it is because you are stupid, not because I suck at making flowcharts.

Thursday, September 16, 2010



Stop hiding from this fact.

They do it orally, anally, and vaginally.  They do it with phallic shaped objects of all shapes and sizes.  Some vibrate, some do not.  Some are acrylic, some are plastic, some are even shaped like fists.  They do it with false vaginas, sometimes lubed, sometimes dry.

Some of them use whips, some of them use chains.  A lot of people prefer rope.  Many are only comfortable with fuzzy handcuffs.  Still others get off on leather, PVC or any number of different styles of fetish clothing.  There are people who don't like any of those things at all.  They are all both strange and normal in their own beautiful way.

Your kids are having sex.  If they aren't, they soon will.  They will enjoy it, most of them will probably enjoy it a lot.  This will lead to them having it a lot.  This is okay.  Take a deep breath.  Remember that everyone is equipped with the tools necessary to handle this intimate act.

Stop treating it as a taboo topic.  Stop being shy.  Stop hiding.  Stop going red in the face every time you see someone wearing less clothing than you'd feel comfortable with in the privacy of your own home.  Stop pretending that it isn't happening, that those around you aren't having sex, that they're "good kids."  There is no such thing.  Sex is a normal part of human existence.  Men were born with penises, women were born with vaginas.  They should be able to use them without the pressure of the shame that society heaps on sex.

I understand that people are afraid.  That we're cursed with such things as shame and modesty.  It's okay.  It won't hurt if we begin going out our comfort zone.  It won't kill anyone if we start talking about it.  If women can talk about penises without going red in the face.  If men can talk about vaginas without resorting to crude slang.  In fact, it will do the opposite.  It will help.

The best way to handle something you are afraid of it to attack it with knowledge, and there is a great deal we do not know about sex.  We think that our kids cannot handle it, so we try and shield them.  Parents in the Netherlands broach the topic as their kids enter primary school.  Their age of consent is 14.  Ours ranges from 16-18.  They have STD rates, teen pregnancy rates, and abortion rates that are so low, they make the "great" United States of America look like a third world country.

Most of our thoughts about sex are wrought with shame.  And we should be ashamed.  Not because it is such a delicate topic, but that we as reasoning intelligent people in a free country have failed so wholeheartedly, so completely in treating sex with rationality and intelligence.

So many of us thing sex is disgusting, think pornography is disgusting.  We are disgusting.  We place our children in harms way by restricting as much knowledge as possible.  This is abuse.  We have teenagers being forced into the world of parenthood because mothers and fathers won't put their daughters on birth control.  We have young men and young women spreading disease because no one taught them how to use a condom.  We have kids having sex before they're ready because no one would help them foster a healthy and knowledgeable attitude towards sex.

I'll say it again, we, as a country, are failures.

 America.  People have sex, and they love it.  Your perfectly legal consenting kids have sex.  Your neighbors have sex, your friends have sex.  And they all love it.  Sex is a good thing.  Sex is a fun thing.  Sex is a natural thing.

Stop being so uptight.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Vulgar Statistics: A Decade of Futility

Sorry for the lateness, I got caught up in watching the Bills game and actually legally died from boredom for a while.  Since football season is upon us for the next three weeks (until hockey starts and no one cares anymore), I thought I would run through the last ten years of my beloved Buffalo Bills.  Yes, it will be ugly.

Read More at BBG

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Cosmopolitan: Retardation since...1886, wtf, really?!

I buy Cosmo.  I confess.  I know that it's always chock full of abysmally stupid advice, but so is everything these days.  I like the confession articles, and it often the sex advice is at least amusing, if not downright accurate.
Ah, but that stupidity.  I bring you excerpts from the October 2010 issue.

Under, "Surprising Factors that Make a Guy Eager to Meet You."
"You're being chatted up by another guy. - A man will subconsciously zero in on a woman other guys are focusing on...and crave her more as a result.  So acting flirty with your hot guy friend could help pique the interest of that Ryan Reynolds look-alike sitting a few bar stools away.

Ugh, kill me now.  This is so stupid I had to roll a dice just to figure out where to start.  First of all, looking like you're interested in another guy is NOT going to encourage someone you actually ARE interested in to come chat you up.  You know what is?  ACTUALLY TALKING TO THE FUCKING GUY YOU'RE INTERESTED.  Look, I like Cosmo, contrary to popular belief it does often offer good advice.  But the advice that advises women to act like shallow logic-less whores almost completely overshadows it.

Furthermore, Cosmo tells the girl she could do it with a close friend.  Flirting with someone you already know to some extent.  Hmm, know what that looks like?  It looks like you're fucking taken.  Who the hell is interested then?  I mean aside from the douchebag that likes skeeving on another guy's girl.  The only way this is even remotely okay is if said friend is very obviously not your boyfriend.  Like, he has another girl on his arm.  Or a Rainbow T-shirt.  Or a dick in his mouth.

Finally, the imagery in the last sentence is just disgusting.  I can't help but picture some diseased barfly leaning over her drink, coughing and making eyes at every guy half her age that strolls into that obviously fine establishment.  Puke.

The Next is from one of their Q&A Advice Columns,
During sex, my husband whispers in my ear and asks me to tell him how hot his body is and how much it's turning me on.  I find it bizarre...and distracting.  Does he do it to feel more dominant or what?  How can I get him to stop without bruising his ego?

Oh my fucking god.  This woman things that a guy wanting to be told he's attractive during sex is bizarre.  Wait, what, guys like having their egos stroked?  HOLY FUCKING SHIT I NEVER KNEW!  How the hell old or sheltered is this woman that she finds THAT to be bizarre?  Not sheltered enough since she's actually fucking someone apparently.
This woman needs to spend a day sitting behind me while I surf the internet.  I will GIVE her a proper context for bizarre.  She thinks wanting the woman to say "oh yeah baby I'm so wet," is a bizarre fetish?  Come join me in the world of bondage, BDSM, restraint, whipping, flogging, spanking, clothespins, and Master/slave play.  Or we could go creepier and get into blood fetishes, foot fetishes, diaper fetishes, CBT, chastity devices, electro-play, breath control, and water sports.  (Warning: Don't google anything I mention unless you're sufficiently prepared).

Same Column.
My guy is convinced that most women are physically incapable of orgasming every time.  I finish about half the time, but he seems to think he has no control over the situation and it just happens randomly.  I've tried telling him that I could orgasm more if we worked on it, but he won't.  What can I do to get him to start worrying about pleasing me?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Man did this girl draw the proverbial short straw of sexual partners.  Man this guy is either an asshole, lazy, really stupid or some awesome combination of all three.  I feel for women, I really do.  Sexually, it had been obligatory for the woman to make the guy cum, and optional for him to return the favor for quite some time.  For a while the female orgasm was thought to be a myth in itself.

This is a perfect instance of Cosmo not being at fault for their reader's stupidity.  My response to the question would have been a lot shorter than the actual response.  Beat the hell out of his nuts until he wants to be equal.  A lot of people think that since I have a healthy interest in BDSM as a mostly dominant switch, that I am a bit of a chauvinist.  (I don't exactly make many comments to dissuade this belief, but hey if people can't take a joke then fuck 'em).  But i am all about equality, especially in bed.  If you want to cum, you damn sure better want to make your partner cum, if not immediately, then later that day.

Cosmo's "Hilarious" author, comic, and columnist Chelsea Handler and everything she touches.
Seriously, she's like the anti-King Midas where everything worthwhile she touches turns to feces.  I'm not going to take the time to type her entire column of stupidity because frankly, it's not worth it, but here are some highlights:
  • On Vajazzling - "Our no-no parts aren't attractive, and there's no reason to try and jazz them up."  Okay, maybe your lower lips look like someone sodomized a pig with a lit stick of dynamite and let er rip, but oftentimes they look quite nice.  Would guys want to stick their face in something ugly?  No.  That having been said, begrudgingly good call on vajazzling.  Have the guts to pierce something down there, or leave the jewels alone.
  • "It's no secret I was a big fan of the first installment of the Sex and the City Movies."  Enough said.  Actually she goes on to say that the franchise (coming out with a third movie) needs to kill itself.  Fair point.  But that's kind of like realizing that sticking your cock into a whirring blender is a bad idea AFTER the plastic surgeon is super-gluing a prosthetic tube to your now smooth genital area.  (And every male reader just cringed).
  • On Skype Sex - "I thought Skype was a type of rash associated with sex."  Because you are a dumb whore.  "When I found out (lengthy explanation of what it is), I felt both relieved and sad for my friend who said she had Skype sex all the time."  Because you are a dumb whore.  "Sex can be humiliating enough (dumb whore) without having to do it on camera."  Because you are a dumb whore.

Cosmo's Back of the Mag Quizzes
If you are in a relationship with a girl who takes Cosmo's quizzes with even a hint of seriousness, fucking run.  Get in your white Bronco and make like OJ.  They are easily the worst part of the magazine and have been ridiculed by everyone with a working larynx.  Not to mention they're fucking stupid.  Anyone with even a minimal IQ can immediately see through the quiz, and what answers will give them their desired result.  They're like taking a personality test administered by Simple Jack.  (I know, I know, the real retard here is me for watching Tropic Thunder).  Just stay away.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hobbled Creativity, a.k.a. The Digital Age

This entry stems largely from comments made by a certain family remember regarding a certain status I posted on facebook.  The status in question was 'honk honk motherfucker,' after Paul Gaustad's goal in tonight's replay of a Sabres game from last season.  Yes, this is getting stupid already.  (I would like to note that I have since rectified the situation, and by rectified, I mean done a double-check of my privacy settings).

It's really an obnoxious trend, isn't it?  And I'm not speaking solely about relatives on facebook.  The trend of being held accountable in one sector for  a portion of your private life that exists in a separate sector.  There are plenty of barriers being crossed between personal, professional, family, and recreational aspects of people's lives.  You can blame social networking sites to a large degree for bringing all of those under one umbrella, but some of the onus has to fall on those that feel it is acceptable to invade someone's privacy to such a degree.

The biggest offender is easily employers, who are constantly trying to undermine the privacy of current and potential employees.  Numerous stories have surfaced about people who have either been fired, or turned down for jobs thanks to something they posted on facebook.  There was a story about (I think) a teacher who was fired for pictures of her with alcohol on her facebook because they "condoned underage drinking," even though the teacher was of legal drinking age.  (No, I can't figure that one out either.  If I could find the article to link to, I would).

Obviously, I would stress that those who frequent social networking sites take advantage of the privacy functions that are made available.  But such instances of invaded privacy are ridiculous.  They do absolutely nothing but screw innocent people out of jobs, and employers out of competent employees.  I understand that background checks are necessary to ensure that your potential fourth grade teacher isn't a child molester or your future pilot doesn't have a penchant for getting drunk during the week whether he has work or not.  But there is a line, and it seems to be frequently crossed.

The harm in such deeds is twofold.  First of all, the content on social networking sites often presents a very small slice of an actual human being.  I mean, what are you really looking at, other than a few pictures and some text on a page.  It does little to even begin to profile what a person is like in general, let alone in a professional setting.  The notion that something innocuous that someone does in their private life can affect their professional life to such a degree that makes them unhirable is asinine.  Secondly, people pass judgment on others for an almost ridiculous variety of mundane bullshit.

Does the Human Resources rep toss a resume of a qualified receptionist because she has "maturity issues," after seeing Harry Potter and Twilight listed among her favorite books?  Is a purveyor of romance novels too bawdy to be an elementary school teacher?  Or does it even work the other way?  Do companies see a facebook profile like mine, where virtually nothing is public and become turned off thinking I must have something to hide?  (Okay bad example, I actually have a great deal...dead hookers, illegitimate children in Mexico, etc.).

The end result is a culture where people grow afraid to express themselves for fear of something reflecting poorly on a current or potential employer.  That is never a good thing because it hampers creativity and critical thinking.  Employers think monotonous clones make the best employees, but they actually make the worst.  You're dismissing individuals in favor of people who take no risks and cannot think outside the box.  Company growth will stagnate and innovation will disappear.

I for one cannot wait until someone gets fired for a risque facebook profile or "inappropriate" blog content, and goes on to achieve bigger and better things.  (Hell, I'm sure it's happened already, but no one wants to report on that).

I'll finish by summarizing my line of thought.  I keep things relatively private.  My facebook profile is on friends-only, and excludes several friends (sorry!) and I don't have my last name on Blogger, Twitter, or Hello Poetry, though it's not horribly difficult to string things together and figure out who I am.  My blog content hasn't been terribly risque aside from an abundance of swearing.  When I do break into a touchy subject like sex or gay marriage, my points are logical and well reasoned (logic can have f-bombs).  My overriding thought is that if someone doesn't want to hire me for that content, then I don't particularly want to work for them.

So there.  *Sticks out tongue.*

I Hate (Insert Music Genre): An Analysis of Stupidity

Know what I hate? I hate people who say they hate an entire genre of music.  Most usually Country or Rap.  It's such a stupid generalizations.  I have yet to find a single human being whose tastes are so specific that they can completely discount an entire genre.  People just aren't like that.

Now, I'll be honest, rap and Hip Hop/R&B are not my favorite music genres.  I would go as far as to say I hate the MAJORITY of songs in these genres.  But I still have about a dozen Rap/Hip Hop/R&B songs on my itunes.  One of them (Remember the Name by Fort Minor) has quite a few plays.

So if you think you hate rap/country/pop/whatever, try listening to it sometime.  I guarantee you'll at least find something you like.  And if you don't, you're lying to spite me.

A Visitor's Guide to the Syracuse Suburbs

I swear I've done this before, but I didn't see an entry on it, so here we go.

Baldwinsville - Congratulations, you have decided to go to Baldwinsville!  I hope you like fourteen year olds that hang outside gas stations and smoke pot because those are the only people that live here!  We once had two Dunkin Donuts and thirty-four Rite aids, but they closed most of them!  We suck so much, we couldn't even finish demolishing our decrepit mall!

Chittenango - I actually don't have a lot of negative things to say about Chittenango.  Sure it's a little hickish, and the predominant structure is tin shanty, but I confess, I kind of like it there.  Maybe it's the relatively nice Oneida Lake, maybe its the people who've been surprisingly friendly.  Maybe they're replacing my hate pills with Placebos.

Cicero - You're never really in Cicero, you're just driving by it.  This is because about 95% of Cicero is either I-81 or I-481.

Fayetteville/Manlius - Imagine if you will, that Central New York is a giant sand timer.  And that instead of sand, it's filled with money and Asian people.  Fayetteville/Manlius would be the bottom of that timer hoarding all of the above.  They're not really Nassau County Rich.  They're just, feel slightly better than everyone else righ.  In other words, much worse.

Fulton - Where cousin-fucking isn't illegal, it's a town pastime!  And you thought the deep south was rural, wait until you start to head too far north in New York State.  The only difference is here, it snows occasionally.  (And by occasionally, I mean nonstop).

Liverpool - If Baldwinsville were a toked up Charlie Brown, then Liverpool is Pigpen, you know, if Pigpen were also into drugs.

Onondaga - Like the cream filling in a donut out of poop.  Onondaga is situated right next to some of the shittiest parts of the city of Syracuse.  Ever go from crackhouses to mansions without even making a turn?  Welcome to Onondaga!

Oswego - Welcome to Oswego, New York's biggest cultural experiment.  What do you get when you take a couple thousand Fulton residents who just want to "get the hell out," (and rightfully so), move them a few miles towards the lake, and pump them full of booze six nights a week?  Oswego...yaaaay!

Valley/Eastwood - Hope you packed a bulletproof vest, a tazer, and a rape whistle.  And I hope you're prepared to have all of them shoved up your ass as you get mugged in Valley/Eastwood.  Ah Valley, the only time I've ever seen the cops called for a little league game (true).  Ah Eastwood, where the teenagers reproduce like the Ebola virus (true).  I think I need to go shower now.

West Genessee/Camillus - You have entered wigger central, home of the burbs' biggest wannabe ghetto area.  Is it a part of the city, is it a suburb?  No one knows.

(For the record, I live in Baldwinsville).  Don't get mad because it's mean.  Get mad because it's true.

Debra Bethell Romer

It's been no secret that one of my favorite contestants on this season of America's Got Talent, was Kalamazoo, Michigan native Debra Romer.  Unfortunately for Debra, her run on AGT ended this past week in the semi-finals, but hopefully her journey as an artist is only beginning.  I was delighted to find that she does have a CD available on her blog which can be purchased here, or on itunes.

Please don't go the illegal route in obtaining her music.  The lovely Ms. Romer is not a professional musician with a big time record label (yet) and isn't seeing the majority of the money spent on her CD being filtered away by persons other than herself.  From what I can tell she's basically ripping CDs herself, and labeling and mailing them by hand out of her home.  (Even though her website says that handwritten CDs are no longer available).

The CD is called "This Was Unexpected," and features six original songs written and performed by Debra Romer.  (Stay Wist Me is repeated at the end).  Myth of the Cave, Stay With Me, and Attention are my favorites.

Chicago Audition

Vegas Audition

Round of 48


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Baseball and Basketball Fans are Idiots

Take a look at any sportscenter list of top plays and what do you see from the four major sports?

NFL - A great catch, or a crazy leap over a defender, stunning displays of athleticism.
NHL - Crazy stick handling, or an amazing save, stunning displays of athleticism.
MLB - A home run or two, stunning displays of being a fat guy.  Something 99% of the players can do.
NBA - Dunks.  Lots of them, something 99% of the players can do.

Baseball glorifies the home run, and basketball glorifies the dunk, probably two of the more boring plays in sports.  Home runs were exciting maybe in little league when there were only two kids in the league that could hit one, nowadays they're kind of a let-down.  It's like watching a kneel down in football.  Yeah, it serves a purpose, and contributes to winning a game, but it's pretty much just everyone on the field milling around for thirty seconds.

The same thing with the slam dunk.  How is it exciting when something occurs that virtually everyone in the league can do that's successful almost every time?  It's like getting excited when I go outside to wash my car.  Everyone else can do it, and I usually don't die or anything when it happens (knock on wood).

Look, I don't fault the NBA, or its fans.  It's fine that they get excited over dunks.  Basketball isn't a very exciting sport to begin with.  They're really just working with what they have.  I can respect that.

But baseball fans have no excuse.  Baseball has plenty of things that are just awesome to watch.  Plays at the plate, trying to stretch a double into a triple, bunts, suicide squeezes, bloopers to the shallow outfield, web gems and diving catches.  Now granted, those things are wrapped around minutes upon minutes of nothing, but that doesn't make them any less awesome.

Get your heads out of your asses.

They Are Who We Thought They Were!

Since the NFL season is nearly upon us, let's celebrate some of my favorite moments.

Jim Mora - Diddly Poo

Jim Mora is good for a few rants.  Here's the infamous "Playoffs?!?"

And the Crown Jewel  "They are who they thought we were."

CV Joins the Enemy

Those of you that know me personally and also make their home in Syracuse (and for that I am truly sorry), know that in the past I have been extremely critical of the local paper, particularly the sports section.  However, some time yesterday in a decision that must have been against someone's better judgment, they have selected me to be a part of a team of six paper subscribers to pick NFL games against their columnists and editors in their annual competition.

The contest involved sending a 25 or less word blurb into one of the editors since each set of weekly picks is accompanied by a short statement.  My winner:

Syracuse is closer to Buffalo than NYC unbeknownst to Post Standard. Vested Buffalo interest needed. Bob Siuda seems lonely. I'm the answer. Go Bills. (Bob Siuda is one of the editors, and the only Bills fan there).

The Rules:
Everyone picks six games weekly.  Three are the one New York and two New Jersey teams (a fact I'm sure I'll point out at least once), one is a pre-selected "game of the week" and the other two are our choice, provided that they are not Thursday games, and the point spread is less than ten.

So look for this smiling face in the Sunday Sports Section:

Here are my picks for week one:

Comment: Passionate Buffalo sports fan here. How Passionate? If I ever have a son, the top name choices are Buffalo William, and Ryan Miller.

Buffalo 24, Miami 17
N.Y. Giants 27, Carolina 14
N.Y. Jets 21, Baltimore 10
Dallas 31, Washington 21
Green Bay 38, Philadelphia 21
Tampa Bay 23, Cleveland 14

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Hockey Fight of the Week

Kaleta rails Prucha; Kaleta vs. Hanzal

Vulgar Stastics: Sabres Greats...of Awwwl Tyme!

Every Sabres player from 1986 forward, I’m real happy for ya n’all, but Gilbert Perreault was the greatest Sabre of AWWWL TYME!

But there are plenty of good ones.  Some of them are even on the roster today.  Let’s look at what milestones are in reach this season.

Read More at BBG

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Renaming NHL and NFL Divisions

A lot of hockey fans pine for the days of old when the divisions and conferences were named after important retired dudes.  Personally, in the spirit of candor, I favor giving the divisions descriptive names so casual fans can tell what they're going to get.  New names to the right.

Eastern Conference - The Shitty Conference but everyone watches.

Atlantic Division - The half these teams always suck division.
Northeast Division - We put all the best fanbases in one spot division.  (Except for Ottawa!)
Southeast Division - The Special Ed Division.

Western Conference - The great hockey that no one cares about conference.

Central Division - Every year fans will bitch about how these teams should be in the eastern conference division.
Northwest Division - Holy shit, awesome rivalries division.
Pacific Division - Half these teams are going to be located in central Canada in two years division.

AFC - The Good Conference

AFC East - The hey let's all have Michigan QBs division.
AFC North - Proof the color orange sucks division.
AFC South - Peyton Manning and others division.
AFC West - Musical suck division.

NFC - The Bad Conference

NFC East - The overrated division.
NFC North - The Thanksgiving spectacular division.
NFC South - More proof the color orange sucks division.
NFC West - Teams no one cares about anymore division.

Highlights of the New York State Fair

I like the fair, I do.  Even though it always seems to be 9,000 degrees (not hyperbole) and more walking than it's worth.  What I really like is the people.  Holy shit.  If for some reason, the evil Dr. Good Taste is laying waste to the earth and I need to summon all the trailer trash to one final battle to fend him off, all I need to do is hold a fair at that location.  Ho.  Lee.  Shit.

Some highlights:

Today was Justin Bieber's night to perform, so I'll just warn you that this is going to be littered with cracks at him and his fans.  If you can't handle me making fun of a sixteen year old who looks like Ellen Degeneres's love child, leave.  (To be fair, I don't hate Justin Bieber.  I think he's a good singer who is too young for his songs to have any sort of resonance or importance.  Thus I am indifferent to this phenomenon unless it makes me laugh).

Numerous chants, yells, and T-shirts about "Bieber Fever," which sounds like "beaver fever."  I'm not sure if I want to catch that or not.

Two unaccompanied adult women sporting homemade Justin Bieber t-shirts.  Ewwwww...

An old guy with a shirt that read, "Fat People are Harder to Kidnap.

Walking through throngs of people to find a spot to see Lady Antebellum, and yelling to my mom, "holy shit, I feel like I'm at a hockey game.  I'm counting teeth and I haven't reached double digits yet."  And the ensuing dirty looks that followed.

A thirty plus year old woman in a tube dress with DD boobs that were shitting on the face of the laws of physics.  There was no bra.  Trust me on that one.

Was milling by one of the gates with my sister listening to her try and direct her friend (who had come in the wrong gate) to our location.  The lady waiting next to us with two kids was trying to help us out.  Upon chatting with her for a little while I noticed something that needed to be addressed.  "Why does your son have a Sabres t-shirt and a Canucks hat on?" I asked.  Apparently they were from Massena (home of Zach Bogosian) and he liked the Sabres best, Canucks second best (because his favorite animal is a killer whale...sweet) and the Thrashers third.  This five or six year old boy then had the presence of mind to ask me if I liked Tim Connolly because he's from Syracuse.  Yeah, we don't have the most intelligent fans or anything...

Me wearing my LGBTeriffic shirt while the lady in one of the Jesus booths tried to hand me Jesus propaganda...and me ignoring her completely.

Getting a discount on the Austria shirt (and future Vanek Jersey-shirt) I bought because it was the display version.

If you're not cringing it means I successfully upload a photo of the shirt and not one of several shots of my penis.

Trying to drive home and finding that not only did our aisle contract into nothing, so did the aisle next to us.  NYS Fair, maybe you should stop hiring Central New York's future high school dropouts to direct parking.

Seeing at least four people in Steelers hats, and they were all 350+ pounds and carrying food.  Even the guy I saw on the way in.  Then some black dude stopped him and was like "yo dawg, I heard you like food, so we put food in your hand so you can get fat while you exercise."  Way to do nothing to change that stereotype, meatheads.

Several stares and looks from old parents in mustaches (moms and dads alike!) because of my LGBTeriffic shirt.

Seeing a carny shout "I have a pretty girl discount" to three fairly homely looking girls.  They were having none of that.

Seeing Justin Bieber photos on the boards of several of the dart carnival games.

Two words.  "Duck Races."  'Nuff said.

A girl whose boobs were Niagara Fallsing over her hilariously inadequate top.  They were nice.

Every bare midriff I saw was sported by someone who was totally justified in baring their midriff.  Even the thirty five year old beer lady who looked stunning.  Having this happen on a day at the fair is about as likely as seeing Jesus lasso a dinosaur in Central space!

There was a moment when three girls in their upper teens to lower twenties passed us.  One of them suddenly reached up and full-on grabbed her friend's very nice ass.  This wasn't a joking pinch mind you, this was a full on, I am ramming my cock into your cervix grab.  Nice.

The girl with the awesome angel-wing tattoos on her back.  Very nice.

Standing less than three feet in front of two girls I knew in high school (who were in my circle of friends and who I hated), not being recognized, and farting in their general direction.  Thank you hot wings.

I think we'll end it there.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Ben Roethlisberger Asks for Suspension to Be Reduced

The gist of the story is that Friday, Roethlisberger's representatives will sit down with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and request his suspension be cut from the current six games to three or less.  In case you live under a rock, Roethlisberger was suspended for violating the league's personal conduct policy after he allegedly took a twenty year old girl into the men's room of a nightclub and sexually assaulted her while one of his body guards stood watch.

It was the most recent example of what has largely been a long run of stupidity and douchebaggery for Ben Roethlisberger.  Even if you don't even consider the unconscionable idiocy of his helmet-less motorcycle crash, Roethlisberger had basically proved to be no better than a skidmark on the human race.

Read the description of what happened that night.  It's terrifying.  (from wikipedia)

"In interviews with the police on the night of the incident, the victim alleged that Roethlisberger, after inviting the victim and her friends to the V.I.P. area of the nightclub, encouraged them to do numerous shots of alcohol before one of his bodyguards—an off-duty Coraopolis, Pennsylvania/"Pittsburgh International Airport interdiction" officer [3]—led her down a hallway to a stool and left. Roethlisberger approached and allegedly exposed himself and, despite the victim's protests, followed her into what turned out to be a bathroom when she tried to leave through the first door she saw. The victim claims Roethlisberger then had sex with her. Friends of the victim attempted to intervene out of worry, but the second of Roethlisberger's bodyguards—an off-duty Pennsylvania State Trooper—avoided eye contact and said he did not know what they were talking about. The policemen later claimed to "have no memory" of meeting the victim.[97]"

This incident aside, Roethlisberger has a longstanding history of being an asshole.  There are numerous reports placing Roethlisberger at college an even high school parties in Ohio where he went to school.  The fans in Pittsburgh, while appreciative of his talents on the field were forced to wonder, "why is he such an asshole?"  From being known for blowing off the check and tipping poorly at bars and restaurants to exhibiting increasingly hostile behavior at nightclubs, the type of person Roethlisberger has continually shown himself to be, is a scumbag.

Probably the worst is a story by The National Sports Review  detailing how 'Big Ben' blew off scheduled Make-A-Wish Foundation appearances for a little girl with cystic fibrosis.  Now unfortunately TNSR doesn't go into detail, and the family was only willing to confirm the report, wanting to protect the privacy of their daughter, but it's difficult to imagine an instance in which that behavior is acceptable.

I know that the life of a professional athlete can be trying and some commitments inevitably end up being broken.  I'm sure it's been done before, but usually there's an ellipsis.  "Star Athlete Misses Make-A-Wish Appearance...shows up unannounced with autographed jerseys for everyone following day."  With Roethlisberger there's no ellipsis.  Not 'but,' no second part to the story.  He just blew off a sick kid, probably to go swimming in his vault of money or to fuck unconsenting twenty year olds.  You know, the usual.

The guy is a pox on humanity, and now he doesn't even want to have to suffer the consequences of his actions.  He's lucky that he got the long straw when it comes to celebrity trials.  Plaxico Burress only harmed himself with his stupidity, and he got a ticket to jail for two years.  Roethlisberger irreparably damaged at least one woman, and got six games and counseling.

Man up and take it you asshole.

Random Things I like at 4:30 AM on a Wednesday

Just Because.

BrittoNemecek is a blog authored by my good friend of a decidedly similar name.  He's a funny guy, and if you like me, you'll like him.  DO IT NOW!

Religion Clause:
Religion Clause is more of a  News Feed than a blog.  It is headed by Howard M. Friedman, Professor of Law Emeritus at the University of Toledo College of Law in Ohio.  It is basically an amalgam of current religion related news articles, usually either detailing the hypocrisy of those in charge of religious institutions, or detailing landmark law cases regarding religion.

5Second Films:
If you use StumbleUpon, you'll find this page sooner or later.  It is exactly as it sounds, a collection of five second films ranging from hilarious to moderately disturbing.  Enjoy.