Friday, August 27, 2010

Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning: An Analysis Lacking as much Objectivity as Physically Possible

Tom Brady.  Peyton Manning.  The question has plagued scholars and football fans alike since the difference between Dan Marion and Jay Fiedler slowly declined into nothing.

Where to begin?

The Pedigree:
Tom Brady was born in California to parents named Tom and Galynn.   This is all Wikipedia really says about Tom Brady's family history.

Peyton Manning was famously born to Archie Manning, and since Wikipedia is lacking here as well, birthed by what we can only asume was some sort of Louisianan Voodoo Goddess.  His dad played QB for the Saints back when I was only a half formed thought in my dads head to bone my mom.

The lack of information did me no favors here.
Advantage: Manning

The Collegiate Career
Tom Brady went to the University of Michigan where he sat for two years behind future Hall of Famer Brian Griese who won a National Championship for Michigan in 1997.  Or something like that.  He did set several school records for Michigan in 1998 and 1999 where he started every game, but left the trophy case relatively empty aside from a share of the Big 10 conference title in 1998, back when winning the Big Ten meant something more than just beating Ohio St.

Peyton Manning went to the University of Tennessee where he also had an inauspicious start beginning third on the depth chart until the angry wrath of his mother struck down the top two quarterbacks with injuries.  From then on Manning enjoyed the helm of the Tennessee offense which gave him the freedom to lose one game every year and piss away any chance at a National Championship he got.

From the beginning, this seemed like a no-brainer.  As a kid, I grew up hating Michigan.  I hated their uniforms, I thought they made Wyoming's brown and yellow look good, and what the hell is going on with those helmets?  But then I got to thinking.  Are the Michigan fans really more annoying than Tennessee fans?  At least for a while when Michigan fans thumped their chests about winning a National Championship, they had a legitimate shot.  And then there's Floppy Top.  I mean really, it's a song that wishes American society was more like the Beverly Hillbillies...without the Beverly Hills part.  Move out of your shanties people.
Advantage: Wash

The Family
Brady: One illegitimate child.  Married to Elin Nordegren II.  Probably the only time a professional athlete is the low earner in the family.

Manning: No illegitimate children.  Married some chick named Ashley who is actually hotter than Brady's supermodel wife.

Advantage: Manning

The Likability Factor:
Brady: Looks like he could be a model himself.  Not funny unless Bernard Pollard is involved.  Comes across as arrogant in interviews.  Married in a Catholic ceremony.  About as likable as AIDS to a vampire.

Manning: Looks like he could be the guy mowing your lawn.  Hilarious, whether Bernard Pollard is involved or not.  Comes across as likable in interviews.  Donated money to the Bush campaign.  Sweet, sweet, sweet, ouch.

Advantage: Manning

So there you have it.  Manning by a 3-0-1 margin.


  1. come on, brady won an orange bowl. and lloydd carr started griese because he lets the upperclassmen keep their starting job.

  2. i mean, I won an orange bowl.... um...

  3. Man if I were Brady, I'd be pissed someone told me I had an uglier wife than Peyton Manning.