Good luck that never seems to end
Overblown media coverage
"Face" of the franchise you wish would die
Originally I wasn't going to include any NBA teams because I don't watch the NBA. Then I came to realize that there aren't any that belong on this list anyways. Celtics fans may hate the Lakers and vice versa, but really, no one else cares. Oh, and the EPL doesn't fucking count. Besides, who doesn't love Man. U?
10). Atlanta Braves
About ten years ago, they'd probably be much higher up on this list. The fact that they haven't been relevant in about a decade really lets the hatred cool. The do have obnoxious fans by way of the stupid "chop" they do at home games, but it's hard to get excited about it because it belongs to about thirty other teams with Native American-based nicknames.
Obnoxious Fan Index: 7 out of 10
Championship Index: LOL
Good Luck Index: -100
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 1
Face of the Franchise: Who?
For today's images, we'll be googling (Sports Team) Sucks and selecting the best image.
9). Toronto Maple Leafs
I mean come on, let's be serious. No one does "dickbag fan" like the Toronto Maple Leafs. There is a special brand of Ontarioan douchebaggery that get's injected into each Maple Leafs fan like semen into a...wait, what were we talking about? Yes, Leafs fans are annoying and delusional, but they're like that three year old that gets all pissy and says they're going to beat you up. What are they going to do about it? They suck. How can you hate someone when the overwhelming urge is just to laugh at them?
Obnoxious Fan Index: 9 out of 10
Championship Index: 43 years and counting
Good Luck Index:0
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 10 (in Canada)
Face of the Franchise: See Pic
Looks about right...
8). Pittsburgh Steelers
This one was tough. If you watch NFL games, you'll hear one thing at least once during every Steelers game. Gee generic announcer/token black guy/Greg Gumbel, those Steeler fans sure travel well. Um, what? See when I grew up, there were these things called bandwagon fans, who rooted for a team because they were pussies and the team was good. For some reason in the NFL, people accept that the Patriots have a ton of bandwagon fans, the Cowboys have a ton of bandwagon fans, even the Colts and 49ers have a ton of bandwagon fans. Why do the Steelers escape this line of thought? Why to their shitbag fans, "travel well?" They were good for a decade! They have bandwagon fans! Sure, they're all three hundred pound women named Murph, but they have bandwagon fans! Unbelievable.
Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 I have not seen a Steelers fan in CNY that didn't look like they wanted to deep fry and eat me. Seriously, does your team give out free Twinkies every game?
Championship Index: 8 out of 10
Good Luck Index:8 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 8 out of 10 Roethlisberger got way too much credit way too early.
Face of the Franchise: He took a girl eight years younger than him into a men's bathroom and had a "personal assistant" stand guard outside. Are you fucking kidding me? This guy should have Chris Hansen chaperoning him at all times.
7). Montreal Canadiens
For pretty much all of these, I'm going, "ugh, I have to write about these pricks?" Look, Montreal has supplanted Philadelphia as the dirtiest team in the league and Maxim Lapierre is the biggest shitbag in the NHL (congrats Avery!). Not to mention that their fans are a bunch of entitled scumbags who riot after first round playoff games. Seriously. Can we start making the "Losers since 96" shirts? Too soon? You know your team sucks when one of the best players in franchise history can't get out of their fast enough.
Obnoxious Fan Index: Ole ole ol.. *gunshots*
Championship Index: They're like Yankee fans
Good Luck Index: 10 playing every home game 9 on 5 since forever.
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 5
Face of the Franchise: Played for Colorado
6). Philadelphia Flyers
I know, I know every team from Philadelphia is a bunch of scumbags and the fans are assholes. Really, it's kind of like Pittsburgh II. But I found myself kind of endeared to the Flyers this past season. Whether it was Carcillo's ratty facial hair or Pronger's burgeoning puck collection, they made me smile.
Obnoxious Fan Index: Here comes SantBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Championship Index: Ch-what now?
Good Luck Index: 2 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 2 out of 10, unless they're on Versus, then 8 out of 10
Face of the Franchise: is in ur arena, stealin ur puck.
5). Pittsburgh Penguins
Ah, back to Pittsburgh. I already covered their beer gutted, hairy chested fans...and their husbands. The Penguins are a different animal though. It's not so much the fans that anyone cares about. It's the superstar whose face we're so sick of seeing. I'm talking about you Brent Johnson! Look Versus. Crosby is a good player. Contrary to popular belief, fans actually have eyes. We can see this. Now shut the fuck up and talk about the game before I put the old floor mats back into my Toyota and DRIIIIIIIIIIVE into Doc Emerick's house.
Obnoxious Fan Index: 8 out of 10
Championship Index: 8 out of 10
Good Luck Index: 10 playing every home game 9 on 5 since 2005.
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 146,248
Face of the Franchise: Looks like he could give pretty good head.
4). Dallas Cowboys
What team in the NFL gets the most media coverage? It isn't New England. It isn't Indianapolis. It is the Dallas Cowboys despite the fact that they have one more playoff win than the Buffalo Bills in the past decade. The Cowboys, for some reason once called "America's Team." Actually that one kind of makes sense since at the time the team was a bunch of shitbags and cokeheads. I don't really have much else to say about the cowboys aside from the fact that their quarterback looks like he has Down Syndrome.
Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 out of 10. Texans are dumb.
Championship Index: 7 out of 10
Good Luck Index: 6 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 38 million since they aren't actually very good.
Face of the Franchise: Looks Retarded
3). Boston Red Sox
Bahahaha. All your extensive campaigning for biggest group of assholes, douchebags, pretentious cocks, and fair weather fans since 2004 and I can't bring myself to rank you higher than third. Guess you'll always be riding shotgun to the Yankees.
Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 out of 10. Pink Hat wearing Women fans suck.
Championship Index: Let's see, that ought to be what 7-27?
Good Luck Index: 10 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: Just kill me.
Face of the Franchise: Took steroids.
2). New England Patriots
Look, I just talked about Tom Brady the other day so I'm not really going to do it again. The Patriots can be summed up in two words. "Tuck Rule." The NFL is the only league to employ the tuck rule. Probably because it is fucking retarded. The rule states that if a quarterback goes to make a pass, and changes his mind and tries to tuck the ball back into his arms, even if he is bringing the ball back into his body, it is still considered an incomplete pass. Are you fucking kidding me?
For those keeping track at home:
1 super bowl due to a rule that was apparently written by Butters from South Park.
1 super bowl due to cheating/McNabb being a bucket of Lard
1 super bowl in which they were probably also cheating
1 super bowl loss
1). The New York Yankees
It had to be the Yankees. No matter how popular the NFL gets, no team is more reviled across America just because of who they are than the New York Yankees. They are the perfect storm of annoying factors. They have the twenty-seven rings. They have the late 90s dominance. They have the face of the franchise that is so likable, he's obnoxious. They have the entitled fans who won't shut their cockholes about the fact that they have twenty-seven championships. They have the "history." They continually have players make the All Star team that aren;t that good, just because they're Yankees. They spend the most money, and deep down everyone wants to play for them.
Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 out of 10.
Championship Index: 10 out of 10
Good Luck Index: 10 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 10 out of 10
Face of the Franchise: No Steroids!