Sunday, August 1, 2010

An Open Letter to Drew Stafford

I started a thread on the Junkie, then decided it would be good to post here.


Dear Drew Stafford:

It seems, to our dismay, that you will be wearing the blue and gold for at least part of another year. Thus we are stuck with the player I have dubbed "Helen Keller." It would please us all if you could appear to give a crap more than 25% of the time. I don't know if anyone told you this, but you are 6-2, and 202 pounds. Tyler Ennis and Tim Kennedy are harder to knock off the puck than you. Can you add them together and even make one of you?

Anyways, a lot of us are sick of seeing you put up slightly better stats than Paul Gaustad. Gaustad couldn't beat deceased cattle back to the puck for icing if you gave him a jetpack. You're a first round draft pick for god's sakes. Gaustad was taken 207 spots after you. And at least Gaustad wins faceoffs and beats the piss out of Ovechkin every once in a while

We all loved the way you stood up for Chris Drury in 06-07, but seriously, where did that player go? Did Chris Neil swipe your testicles after he finished beating your ass? Man, what happened? You're like a less dweeby, more musical version of Clarke MacArthur.

Seriously, the majority of us are ready to knock you unconscious with your drums and sodomize you with your guitar.

Signed,
The Fans

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