Sunday, August 8, 2010

CV: Does Not Golf Well With Others

I went golfing today, and it was actually one of my more enjoyable rounds.  The course was fairly empty, and the two walkers in front of us let my dad and I (in a cart) play through.  Plus I shot a 45 with all irons because I broke my driver and 3-wood the last time I was out.

But golf can be aggravating, and I'm not even talking about playing like shit.

I have nothing against people who want to get a little exercise.  Most of the time, the walker is an old guy by himself who can't hit the ball more than a hundred and fifty yards, but every shot is straight down the middle.  Then there's the other type of walker.  A group of three kids (it's always fucking three) who is too cheap to spring the extra $5 each for a cart...or you know to actually be good at golf.  The kind that take three shots to get past the ladies tees, traversing across the fairway each time.

Carting Morons
These are the walkers that weren't too cheap to spring for the cart.  Unfortunately their concept of how to golf isn't as evolved as their wallets.  There's nothing more annoying than sitting on the tees while some douchebag teenagers drive all over hell because they either can't find a ball, or have no concept of who's supposed to hit first.  This isn't a difficult concept.  The order is the one that makes the most logical sense!  And no, you don't have to drive to every god damned ball.  Drop your partner off and go hit your own shit.  Better yet...

...while I play through.

The Oblivious:
Take a drop.  Take a god damned drop.  Why are you taking off your shoes?  I wish I had a duck blind and a hunting rifle right now.  If you're going to hit shit in the water, maybe you shouldn't buy $90 packs of golf balls.  Just saying.  The cheap ones are just as easy to lose.  There are eight groups stacked up behind you.  Oh, now you hit it in the woods.  Take a drop...

Seriously, know where you are on the course, know who is in front of or behind you.  If you're the only one on the course, do all the golf ball hunting you want!  Otherwise, keep a spare in your pocket and play on.  Likewise, if you're a twosome, and a better twosome keeps getting stacked up behind you, why don't you play a hole with them, and let them go on ahead?

Asian Child Optional

My senior of college, the St. Lawrence Country club, ten minutes away at St. Lawrence University, offered $50 spring memberships for anyone with a student ID from any of the four schools in the area (SUNYs Potsdam and Canton, Clarkson, and St. Lawrence).  Basically this meant that for $50 you could play as much golf as you wanted for a month.

Being, at the time, a more avid golfer than my friends, I frequently went alone.  (I'm also a loser).  One day, I kept getting stacked up behind three women about my age.  As a single, I understand that I have no standing, and generally don't care if people let me play through.  Since they also kept getting stuck behind some group of dumbasses, they offered to play the last five holes with me.  You see people!  It's not hard to be courteous.  Oh yeah, and they were all on SLU's golf team and mopped the floor with me for four holes until I topped them with a par on the 18th.  Which actually brings me to my next point.

Women Golfers
I was not the least bit emasculated to play with three girls that were quite a bit better than me (ladies tees or not).  In fact, it was a nice change of pace, because the average woman golfer is about as skilled as a retarded St. Bernard.  (Yes Casie, you are the exception and would kick my ass).  It's like women all got together and agreed on a standard method of play just to piss everyone else off:
  • Take between three and seventy-four practice swings.
  • Miss the ball at least three times.
  • Top the ball horribly so it only goes ten feet.
  • Repeat.
 Thank god my ex was athletic enough to pick up the game and shoot, at worst, a 60 right off the bat.

People that Don't Respect the Course or Other Golfers
I was golfing at St. Lawrence and sliced a drive on a par five.  The ball had a decent lie, but was in the rough just behind a bunker.  The yardage tells me I'm 260-280 out and hitting uphill.  There are four old guys on the green.  I'm not trying to be a superhero, just hoping to get close, so I hit my shot.  I wind up rolling the ball onto the green.  Not dangerous, not a big deal, but I apologize anyways.

On the other hand, I cannot count the number of times I've had a shot land within thirty feet of me.  That's what yelling "fore!" is for.  If you're not going to stop being a moron, at least give me a two second warning before I'm about to be unconscious.

Also, I don't know if you realized this, but you're in a public place.  You'd get in trouble if you pulled your dick out and started waving it around.  So maybe you should recognize that other golfers are using the course.  Some of them at the same time!  Stop throwing your shit, stop taking chunks out of the green.  Replace your god damned divots and fix your ball marks.  It takes five seconds to do, and you're saving the grounds crew days of work, and tournament golfers the aggravation of landing in someone else's crater.

Golf Courses that Overbook Leagues
How annoying is it to drive out to a golf course, only to be told you have to wait because some shithole league has the course?  Ironwood in Baldwinsville is terrible at this.  Every league they have probably has about 120% of the golfers in it that it should.  Don't even plan on going unless its 1-2 hours after the league is supposed to be done.  Not to mention that league golfers think they can be a bunch of entitled assholes just because they're in a league.  I'm in a bowling league, they even give me a card!  I'm not a cock to other bowlers.

This wouldn't even be an issue if golf courses would join the rest of the world in the 21st century and create a navigable website.  How the fuck hard is it to learn basic HTML and post a league schedule.  Hell, just get a facebook page and do it there.  Your league golfers are happier, your casual golfers are happier, everybody wins!

This is the part where I don;t really have a conclusion so I just kind of stop typ

1 comment:

  1. I only golfed once last year and got destroyed by the course, haha