Monday, August 30, 2010

The Ten Most HatedTeams in Sports

There are basically five things that make a sports franchise hated:
Obnoxious Fans
Several Championships
Good luck that never seems to end
Overblown media coverage
"Face" of the franchise you wish would die

Originally I wasn't going to include any NBA teams because I don't watch the NBA.  Then I came to realize that there aren't any that belong on this list anyways.  Celtics fans may hate the Lakers and vice versa, but really, no one else cares.  Oh, and the EPL doesn't fucking count.  Besides, who doesn't love Man. U?

10). Atlanta Braves

About ten years ago, they'd probably be much higher up on this list.  The fact that they haven't been relevant in about a decade really lets the hatred cool.  The do have obnoxious fans by way of the stupid "chop" they do at home games, but it's hard to get excited about it because it belongs to about thirty other teams with Native American-based nicknames.

Obnoxious Fan Index: 7 out of 10
Championship Index: LOL
Good Luck Index: -100
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 1
Face of the Franchise: Who?

For today's images, we'll be googling (Sports Team) Sucks and selecting the best image.


9). Toronto Maple Leafs

I mean come on, let's be serious.  No one does "dickbag fan" like the Toronto Maple Leafs.  There is a special brand of Ontarioan douchebaggery that get's injected into each Maple Leafs fan like semen into a...wait, what were we talking about?  Yes, Leafs fans are annoying and delusional, but they're like that three year old that gets all pissy and says they're going to beat you up.  What are they going to do about it?  They suck.  How can you hate someone when the overwhelming urge is just to laugh at them?

Obnoxious Fan Index: 9 out of 10
Championship Index: 43 years and counting
Good Luck Index:0
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 10 (in Canada)
Face of the Franchise: See Pic

Looks about right...

8). Pittsburgh Steelers

This one was tough.  If you watch NFL games, you'll hear one thing at least once during every Steelers game.  Gee generic announcer/token black guy/Greg Gumbel, those Steeler fans sure travel well.  Um, what?  See when I grew up, there were these things called bandwagon fans, who rooted for a team because they were pussies and the team was good.  For some reason in the NFL, people accept that the Patriots have a ton of bandwagon fans, the Cowboys have a ton of bandwagon fans, even the Colts and 49ers have a ton of bandwagon fans.  Why do the Steelers escape this line of thought?  Why to their shitbag fans, "travel well?"  They were good for a decade!  They have bandwagon fans!  Sure, they're all three hundred pound women named Murph, but they have bandwagon fans!  Unbelievable.

Obnoxious Fan Index: 10  I have not seen a Steelers fan in CNY that didn't look like they wanted to deep fry and eat me.  Seriously, does your team give out free Twinkies every game?
Championship Index: 8 out of 10
Good Luck Index:8 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 8 out of 10  Roethlisberger got way too much credit way too early.
Face of the Franchise:  He took a girl eight years younger than him into a men's bathroom and had a "personal assistant" stand guard outside.  Are you fucking kidding me?  This guy should have Chris Hansen chaperoning him at all times.

7). Montreal Canadiens

For pretty much all of these, I'm going, "ugh, I have to write about these pricks?"  Look, Montreal has supplanted Philadelphia as the dirtiest team in the league and Maxim Lapierre is the biggest shitbag in the NHL (congrats Avery!).  Not to mention that their fans are a bunch of entitled scumbags who riot after first round playoff games.  Seriously.  Can we start making the "Losers since 96" shirts?  Too soon?  You know your team sucks when one of the best players in franchise history can't get out of their fast enough.

Obnoxious Fan Index: Ole ole ol.. *gunshots*
Championship Index: They're like Yankee fans
Good Luck Index: 10 playing every home game 9 on 5 since forever.
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 5
Face of the Franchise: Played for Colorado

6). Philadelphia Flyers

I know, I know every team from Philadelphia is a bunch of scumbags and the fans are assholes.  Really, it's kind of like Pittsburgh II.  But I found myself kind of endeared to the Flyers this past season.  Whether it was Carcillo's ratty facial hair or Pronger's burgeoning puck collection, they made me smile.

Obnoxious Fan Index: Here comes SantBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Championship Index: Ch-what now?
Good Luck Index: 2 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index: 2 out of 10, unless they're on Versus, then 8 out of 10
Face of the Franchise: is in ur arena, stealin ur puck.

5). Pittsburgh Penguins

Ah, back to Pittsburgh.  I already covered their beer gutted, hairy chested fans...and their husbands.  The Penguins are a different animal though.  It's not so much the fans that anyone cares about.  It's the superstar whose face we're so sick of seeing.  I'm talking about you Brent Johnson!  Look Versus.  Crosby is a good player.  Contrary to popular belief, fans actually have eyes.  We can see this.  Now shut the fuck up and talk about the game before I put the old floor mats back into my Toyota and DRIIIIIIIIIIVE into Doc Emerick's house.

Obnoxious Fan Index: 8 out of 10
Championship Index: 8 out of 10
Good Luck Index: 10 playing every home game 9 on 5 since 2005.
Overblown Media Coverage Index:  146,248
Face of the Franchise: Looks like he could give pretty good head.

4). Dallas Cowboys

What team in the NFL gets the most media coverage?  It isn't New England.  It isn't Indianapolis.  It is the Dallas Cowboys despite the fact that they have one more playoff win than the Buffalo Bills in the past decade.  The Cowboys, for some reason once called "America's Team."  Actually that one kind of makes sense since at the time the team was a bunch of shitbags and cokeheads.  I don't really have much else to say about the cowboys aside from the fact that their quarterback looks like he has Down Syndrome.

Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 out of 10.  Texans are dumb.
Championship Index: 7 out of 10
Good Luck Index: 6 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index:  38 million since they aren't actually very good.
Face of the Franchise: Looks Retarded

3). Boston Red Sox

Bahahaha.  All your extensive campaigning for biggest group of assholes, douchebags, pretentious cocks, and fair weather fans since 2004 and I can't bring myself to rank you higher than third.  Guess you'll always be riding shotgun to the Yankees.

Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 out of 10.  Pink Hat wearing Women fans suck.
Championship Index: Let's see, that ought to be what 7-27?
Good Luck Index: 10 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index:  Just kill me.
Face of the Franchise: Took steroids.

2). New England Patriots

Look, I just talked about Tom Brady the other day so I'm not really going to do it again.  The Patriots can be summed up in two words.  "Tuck Rule."  The NFL is the only league to employ the tuck rule.  Probably because it is fucking retarded.  The rule states that if a quarterback goes to make a pass, and changes his mind and tries to tuck the ball back into his arms, even if he is bringing the ball back into his body, it is still considered an incomplete pass.  Are you fucking kidding me?

For those keeping track at home:
1 super bowl due to a rule that was apparently written by Butters from South Park.
1 super bowl due to cheating/McNabb being a bucket of Lard
1 super bowl in which they were probably also cheating
1 super bowl loss

1). The New York Yankees

It had to be the Yankees.  No matter how popular the NFL gets, no team is more reviled across America just because of who they are than the New York Yankees.  They are the perfect storm of annoying factors.  They have the twenty-seven rings.  They have the late 90s dominance.  They have the face of the franchise that is so likable, he's obnoxious.  They have the entitled fans who won't shut their cockholes about the fact that they have twenty-seven championships.  They have the "history."  They continually have players make the All Star team that aren;t that good, just because they're Yankees.  They spend the most money, and deep down everyone wants to play for them.

Obnoxious Fan Index: 10 out of 10.
Championship Index: 10 out of 10
Good Luck Index: 10 out of 10
Overblown Media Coverage Index:  10 out of 10
Face of the Franchise: No Steroids!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Hockey Fight of the Week

Gaustad vs. Ovechkin, Mair vs. Muir

Vulgar Statistics: Crosby vs. Ovechkin

Now if you’re any self-respecting Sabres fan, or you’ve watched the Versus network for more than thirty seconds in your life, the answer is obvious.  Ovechkin may literally be the toothless son of god himself, and Crosby is a giant sack of male body parts.  We’ll go with…vas deferens.

Now the cop-out, easy answer is that they have different styles of play at different positions and thus are somewhat incomparable.  Which is true.  Can I end the column here?  That wouldn’t be fun now, would it?

Read More at BBG

Friday, August 27, 2010

Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning: An Analysis Lacking as much Objectivity as Physically Possible

Tom Brady.  Peyton Manning.  The question has plagued scholars and football fans alike since the difference between Dan Marion and Jay Fiedler slowly declined into nothing.

Where to begin?

The Pedigree:
Tom Brady was born in California to parents named Tom and Galynn.   This is all Wikipedia really says about Tom Brady's family history.

Peyton Manning was famously born to Archie Manning, and since Wikipedia is lacking here as well, birthed by what we can only asume was some sort of Louisianan Voodoo Goddess.  His dad played QB for the Saints back when I was only a half formed thought in my dads head to bone my mom.

The lack of information did me no favors here.
Advantage: Manning

The Collegiate Career
Tom Brady went to the University of Michigan where he sat for two years behind future Hall of Famer Brian Griese who won a National Championship for Michigan in 1997.  Or something like that.  He did set several school records for Michigan in 1998 and 1999 where he started every game, but left the trophy case relatively empty aside from a share of the Big 10 conference title in 1998, back when winning the Big Ten meant something more than just beating Ohio St.

Peyton Manning went to the University of Tennessee where he also had an inauspicious start beginning third on the depth chart until the angry wrath of his mother struck down the top two quarterbacks with injuries.  From then on Manning enjoyed the helm of the Tennessee offense which gave him the freedom to lose one game every year and piss away any chance at a National Championship he got.

From the beginning, this seemed like a no-brainer.  As a kid, I grew up hating Michigan.  I hated their uniforms, I thought they made Wyoming's brown and yellow look good, and what the hell is going on with those helmets?  But then I got to thinking.  Are the Michigan fans really more annoying than Tennessee fans?  At least for a while when Michigan fans thumped their chests about winning a National Championship, they had a legitimate shot.  And then there's Floppy Top.  I mean really, it's a song that wishes American society was more like the Beverly Hillbillies...without the Beverly Hills part.  Move out of your shanties people.
Advantage: Wash

The Family
Brady: One illegitimate child.  Married to Elin Nordegren II.  Probably the only time a professional athlete is the low earner in the family.

Manning: No illegitimate children.  Married some chick named Ashley who is actually hotter than Brady's supermodel wife.

Advantage: Manning

The Likability Factor:
Brady: Looks like he could be a model himself.  Not funny unless Bernard Pollard is involved.  Comes across as arrogant in interviews.  Married in a Catholic ceremony.  About as likable as AIDS to a vampire.

Manning: Looks like he could be the guy mowing your lawn.  Hilarious, whether Bernard Pollard is involved or not.  Comes across as likable in interviews.  Donated money to the Bush campaign.  Sweet, sweet, sweet, ouch.

Advantage: Manning

So there you have it.  Manning by a 3-0-1 margin.

Satanic Symbols Exposed!

If you ask most Christians, the symbol of a five pointed star inscribed in a circle, also known as the Pentacle, or Pentagram represents only one thing.  Satanism.  This belief shows how out of touch many Christians (or just people in general are) with some of the aspects and history of religion.

The symbol can actually trace its origins back to the great religion of mathematics.  Historians believe that in ancient Sumer, the points represented the four cardinal directions (or at the very least forwards, backwards, left, and right) and the fifth represented elevation.  Pythagoras himself saw the symbol as "mathematical perfection."

Probably the most popular use of the symbol is in Paganism, where it has long represented the four elements and the spirit.  While most Christians would equate this with Satanism, the truth of the matter is that Pagans do not believe in hell, and therefore do not believe in Satan.  While Wicca might reference a Horned God, he is about as satanic as Pan was.

Even more interesting is the fact that Christianity itself has used the symbol in its history.  I remember having seen five pointed stars adorning the Lutheran Churches I attended as a child.  In an ironic twist, many believed the Pentagram would protect them against witches and demons, the very things they think it symbolizes today.  Others used the five points to represent the five wounds of Christ.

In fact, in Satanism, their symbology is very specific.  The Satanic pentagram features the star pointing downwards, transcribed in two concentric circles, with the head of the goat filling out the star.  (They were not going for subtlety here).

The list of religions and cultures that have used the pentagram in some aspect of their mythology goes on.  I find it interesting the the same symbol can have so many different meanings being beloved in some instances and reviled in others.

(All info from wikipedia).

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

American Society is Moving Backwards

Earlier today I found myself (as I often do) posting my thoughts on a message board.  The topic was religion, and I was pointing out that while the religious might feel a bit harped on, they possess a definitive majority in the United Sates and really have no excuse for acting all butthurt.

To illustrate my point, I pulled up a Gallup poll from 2007 which showed that the majority of Americans would be unwilling to vote for an atheist presidential candidate based on that quality alone.  In reading the article, I noticed something very peculiar.  It seems that this poll has been conducted every few years, and they had posted the results over time.  What struck me was that while society has generally gotten more progressive in terms of what minority group members they'd be willing to elect, they've taken a step backwards in a few key areas since 1999.

In 1999, 49% were willing to vote for an atheist candidate where 48% were not. (3% no opinion)
In 2007, 45% were willing to vote for an atheist candidate where 53% were not. (3% no opinion)

In 1999, 59% were willing to vote for a homosexual candidate where 37% were not. (4% no opinion)
In 2007, 55% were willing to vote for a homosexual candidate where 43% were not. (2% no opinion)

What the fucking fuck?  What the hell happened?

The easy out is to blame it on eight years of Bush and the Republicans controlling the executive branch of the government.  I just have a hard time believing things are that simple.  Certainly Bush's open support of an amendment banning gay marriage, and a number of states passing legislation to outlaw same sex unions contibute to that line of thinking, but I see these more as effects of a changing process of thought, not the cause.

I'm curious as to why things were progressing in a certain direction and then began moving backwards, and honestly, I have no answers.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Build the Fucking "Mosque" and Be Done With It

I say "Mosque" because that's what a few bigots would have you think the building actually is.  In reality, it's a Muslim community center with a prayer room.

Now that we've got that out of the way.  Just build the damn thing.  Tell Conservative America to shut the fuck up and build the damn thing.  Every article and conservative pundit newscast I've seen has had the same bitch.  That the building site is too close to "hallowed ground."  All the issue really is, is an excuse for white people to bitch at brown people.  That's really it.

Hallowed ground.  Preposterous.  Considering the number of Native Americans that were murdered, or screwed out of their homes in this country, none of us white people should be building anything, ever.  It's all hallowed ground.  How we continue to get away with being the world's biggest douchebags throughout history amazes me.

But that gets me away from my point a little.  From an Editorial in the Post Standard (Syracuse, NY) Newspaper

To the Editor:

On April 19th, 1995, TImothy McVeigh bombed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 men, women, and children and wounding 500 more.  Hatred of the federal government and revenge for the Waco siege motivated him to commit the deadliest act of terrorism prior to 9/11.

As an adult, McVeigh distanced himself from his catholic upbringing and was deeply influenced by a profoundly racist Christian extremist group (Christian Identity).  There is speculation that their teachings were partly responsible for McVeigh's act.

I've read the arguments for and against putting a mosque close to Ground Zero.  If Christians were to erect a church near the federal building in Oklahoma City, would we think they were trespassing on "hallowed ground?"

I wonder.

Mary Mol

I disagree with her assertion that McVeigh's bombing of the Murrah building was motivated by anything other than his hatred of the federal government, and his desire to seek revenge for the Waco Siege.  However, the point she raises is a good one.

IF the beliefs of a radical Christian Group were a chief motivator for McVeigh's actions, would ANYONE object to the opening of a Christian community center within two blocks of the Murrah building on April 19th, 2004?

No way in hell.

This issue shows that while we may have a black president, conservative white America has just found another group to hate.  It shows that a lack of understanding of Islam pervades, and Americans have little desire to change that fact.  It shows that the country as a whole won't let go of the assertion that the actions of the terrorists on 9/11 are representative of Islam as a whole.

That's just sad.

Hockey Fight of the Week

Nathan Paetsch vs. Mike Richards

Vulgar Statistics: Back to Backs, NHL Scheduling Hell

Ah, the secheduling of back to back games.  Bane of NHL players and fans everywhere.  It’s rather impressive actually, since in the minds of fans, every team somehow seems to get a raw deal.

Today I focused my lens on the Northeast Division and those five teams in particular.  I split the column into two parts for the 09-10 season: what teams were dealt with in terms of the schedule, and what they did with it.  I also looked ahead to this season to see what we might be able to expect come October and beyond.

Read the Rest at BBG!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Rascal Flatts: Making Songs that Sound Like They're About Blowjobs Since 2000

I love Rascal Flatts...but...

(Credit to FacebookFail for this one):
From the song "Stand:"

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand.

Okay, so maybe that's not so bad.  There's some room for interpretation there.  I mean sure, the entire song does kind of sound like a metaphor for a person whose life is so shitty they've been forced to resort to fellatious prostitution, but hey, it's all good.  Let's try another song.

"Where You Are"
You're a waterfall
Washin' over me
I'm a thirsty man
Let me drink you in

Okay...that's not terrible.  That could at least be about cunnilingus too, right?

"Feels Like Today

But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...

 Alright, now we're talking about dryspells.  We finally got off the blowjob topic and expanded to sex in general.  Evidently some of the band members are having trouble in bed.

"What Hurts the Most"

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Now that's just not fair, that song is beautiful (really).  But still, that last couplet made me laugh.

"Me and My Gang"

Even New York City got one or two hillbillies
Ready to hit the road

It's a brother and a sister kind of thang
Raise up your hands if you all wanna hang

With me and my gang
We live to ride
We ride to live
Me and my gang

Jump on that train
Grab hold of them reins
We're gonna rock this thang, cock this thang
Me and my gang, yeah
Me and my gang

I don't want to know what kind of hillbilly brother and sister kind of thing this is.  Ew.  Then you get to the veritable smut Pinata that is "Bob that Head."  I mean come on, the song is called "Bob that Head."  Maybe the lyrics are less dirty.

Bob that head
Every Friday night
Got the windows rolled down
The seat reclined
Givin'everybody that rock on sign
Yeah, turn it up to ten
Hey, y'all join in
Bob that head
Come on, bob that head
Bob that head


New Story Idea

Not sure what it will amount to in terms of length.

I was laying down to bed the other night, and for some reason the made-up word "Skankarella" crossed my mind.  I immediately set to putting a definition to the word, and I came up with a modern twist on the Cinderella story.

When I thought "skank" for some reason the goth style of dress came to mind.  Not in a negative way in itself, just in that many outsiders view goths or those that dress as goths in a very negative light.  So I thought that the title character would be someone with supposed "goth" or "emo" sensibilities and fashion style, cast as an outsider in her family.  Think Kelly Osbourne adopted into the Phelps family.

Rather than the two ugly stepsisters, and the evil step-mother, I think it would be an overly devout step-mother or adoptive mother, and two Christian stepsisters that parrot their mother's bigoted spiritual beliefs.  The underlying theme in the story would be that it is okay to be different, okay to be unique, and okay to strive to find your own sense of morality outside of the Christian norm.

The original Cinderella story is as horrible as any typical Disney story in that it gives nothing of value.  You have the maligned and abused Cinderella character tormented by an evil parent, and two ugly stepsisters and befriending mice whose fairy godmother pretty much magically grants her wishes.  The moral being that if you're beautiful, eventually people will see it and you will reap the advantages.  I try not to be preachy, but I don't like stories that don't have a point.

My friend Phil, over at BBG, suggested that the title should therefore be "Gotharella," but I disagree.  I want a word that has some negative connotations and is a bit derisive, like the name Cinderella in the original Disney film. The point being that this is a person that others see as wholly undesirable when the opposite is actually true.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Seriously, Don't be an Asshole in Life

Many of you know that I play in-line hockey in Syracuse (SIHA).  It's fun, it's a rec. league, and no one takes it too seriously.  Since we're pretty much the only group that uses the arena during the summer, the owner of the league has been looking to expand into more activities, such as floor hockey (played on feet).

So this year we've been doing a trial run of a shortened floor hockey season that's largely glorified pick-up.  There were supposed to be four teams, two from SIHA, one Liverpool, NY YMCA team, and one team from Auburn, NY.  The Auburn team dropped out, so it's been two games of pick-up floor hockey SIHA vs. YMCA on Monday nights.  I need to stress the complete and utter lack of seriousness and intensity to these games.  It's fucking rec. floor hockey.  Okay.

Now look, in a rec. league where the games are pick-up, I don't really give a shit about who wins or loses.  I want to win, but seriously, who cares that much.

Apparently the group of 30- to 50-something YMCA guys.

The first week, the YMCA guys won both games, and this week, the SIHA teams did.  One of the YMCA guys is a bigger guy, with braces on both legs, so he can't move terribly well, but his effort is always there and he's a nice guy.    In a sport where there is a lot of running, the guy isn't a liability.  He's made plenty of good plays and even has a goal or two (in a surprisingly low-scoring sport).

According to the league owner, one or more of the YMCA guys told him not to show next week.

Seriously?  They made the guy cry.

How much of a scum-sucking piece of shit asshole do you have to be to tell someone not to play in a fucking rec. league with no standings for fun?  Who shits on someone's parade like that?  No matter what sports pundits and retired athletes tell you, wanting to win at all costs doesn't make you dedicated, it doesn't make you intense, and it doesn't make you a hustler.

It makes you an asshole.  An asshole.  Whoever said're an asshole.  Asshole.  Don't make me link a god damn picture.

My first response was identical to the league owner's.  Hell, come play for us  We're not douchebags, we understand the concept of fun, and we have enough little fast guys to work well with a big body on D/in front of the net.

I coach youth softball, and have done basically ever since my sisters were old enough to play.  I've coached some teams that never won a game.  Hell I've been on teams that only won one game.  My inline team the past two years has a combined record of 7-25.  It's never even crossed my mind to even imply to someone that they shouldn't show up.  If you do so, you're just a failure as a player, a failure as a coach and a failure as a human being.

It's the same thing as quitting.  It is, it's admitting that you lack the requisite skills to work with that player as either a peer, or superior and help them get better.  I'm glad no one told me that my first year of hockey when I pretty well sucked.

The whole situation is just really sad.  I know a few of the YMCA guys fairly well, and they're great people.  I know not everyone on their team would do that, or probably even knows about it, but I can make an educated guess as to who it is.  And if it is that guy, he has kids that have attended the games.  In fact, they're probably all parents.

Nice example you're setting.

Hockey Fight of the Week

Sabres - Senators Brawl

Monday, August 16, 2010

I'm Going to the Hell I Don't Believe In

What's in a Name?

By the way, that last post was my 100th entry. Don't all blow me at once.

A friend and I were having a discussion, and I brought up the fact that there are names that I probably just wouldn't be able to date because I am shallow like that. And she agreed.

Brenda, Barbara, or anything else that immediately conjures images of a 5'5, 160 pound old lady with a body shape of a square.

I dated a Susan once, and I didn't like it. Wonderfully nice girl, I just didn't find the abbreviation of her name (Sue you morons) to be aesthetically pleasing. All I could think of was Sue...sueee....soooooooooooooooooey. Kill me.

Emily. Not that it's a terrible name in itself, but I probably wouldn't be able to stop making fun of the parents. Like Emily...Emily? Really? Emily...Jane Doe wasn't common enough? (I have a cousin Emily. She's awesome. Don't kill me.) On the other hand I have no problem with Ann or Ashley. I think this is a me problem.

Sara, Steph, Jodi, or any other name also shared by an immediate relative. It would just be weird. On the other hand, I think it would be fun to date a girl with the same name as one of my friends girlfriends. Then I could refer to her as "the better ___," "the prettier ____" or if I really wanted to make them jealous, "the whorier ___."

Anyone with a regular name, just spelled wrong. Like Aimee, or Ashlee, or whatever. It just bothers me. Were these parents on drugs? What the hell was going on there?

Random Names I Do Like:
Alexandra, Alexandria, any iteration of my own name. I think it would be fun to date someone with essentially the same name. Oh look it's Alex and Alex...and they have matching shirts. Do I sicken you? Good.

Jacqueline. Why? Because I could call her Jackie Bauer. Stop laughing. 24 sucks.

Sidney, Jordan, Sam(antha), Kerry. I rather like androgynous names. I like tomboyish women. I'm like Tila Tequila in that I always go for the manliest looking chick that still actually looks like a chick. (Life goals list, compare self to Tila Tequila without contracting an STD...check).

Cassandra, Julia, Yulia, Lena, Arista, Melissa, Elizabeth, Bethany, Casie, Kaitlyn. I just think they sound pretty.

I'm done typing now.

An Intelligent Person, Hope for Humanity!

When I was doing one of the sex-ed articles I did a while back, I came upon this blog about pornography.  A few people were really out of touch about sex in society, so I commented and checked the little box to e-mail me about any comments after mine.

While most of them reached roughly the intelligence and maturity level of "zomgz! porn bad!" there was finally one today that was spot on and extremely insightful.  So much so, that i have serious doubts about the age and gender of the poster (because everyone on the internet is a dude).  "Her" text is in yellow.

Author: Katie
Hi, so I'm fourteen and a girl. All of my guy friends and guys that I know (but don't consider friends) admit that they watch porn pretty openly. I'd say it's pretty normal for teenagers to watch porn. I watch porn from time to time, but mostly I just read erotic fanfiction (and write it too). Still, I'll read anything from softcore to hardcore, and I really don't see why people seem to think it's so horrible. (I figure the difference between videos/images and writing is that you can convey emotions other than being turned on or being in pain through words.)

Katie brings up a very good point.  While I think everyone can agree that an image of two people having sex constitutes pornography, many seem to forget that a trashy romance novel isn't much better.  When my mom found several porn sites in the history of my browser and made some offhanded comment, I couldn't help but laugh, knowing the type of literature that sits upon her shelves.

Watching/reading porn is not going to cause your son to have an abnormal relationship with someone. If he's into that sort of thing, that's totally fine. If he wants to do that sort of thing, there ARE actual people out there who are into it. If there weren't porn involving bondage and such probably wouldn't exist in the first place. So it's not going to mean he can't be with someone he loves.

I'm currently going out with a guy my age, and despite the fact that I read/watch porn, I'm totally fine with simply kissing him and not doing bondage or what have you (we're both still virgins). It's pretty innocent, and porn hasn't affected our relationship at all.

Her comments in this and the following paragraphs are largely directed at one poster in particular that seemed rather stunned by the fact that her son had viewed BDSM porn...or BDSM in general.

"Were the women in these videos paid actresses? Why did they have tear streaked faces? Bruises? Far away looks in their eyes."
To answer these questions.... There ARE people who get off on pain. They're called masochists. Some people enjoy the endorphin rush they get from pain. Bruises are a form of marking. Some people like knowing that their dom owns them and has claimed them. The far away looks in their eyes could mean that they're in subspace. Subspace is pretty hard to explain. The easiest way I can think of to explain it as when the person is rather disconnected from everything. It's supposedly blissful (but I wouldn't know).

This is where I begin to doubt the age of our young poster (how does a 14 year old come to know about "sub-space?), but everything she says is spot on.  It's a great response to the comments by the horrified mother in relation to BDSM porn.  I would have gone even further and pointed out that when most people orgasm, they usually have a look in their eyes that suggests they're a bit out of it...if their eyes are even open.

I think you're probably only making your son distance himself from you by freaking out about it. My parents found out about a year ago that I was reading pornographic fiction, and they freaked out, started putting up filters, took away my computer for a month, etc. That was when I was reading pretty soft stuff. I can't imagine what they would do now. Now I stay locked away in my room all day (and night) and barely talk to them unless I have to. All of the things they did did not make me stop reading/writing erotic fanfiction. All it did was make me stay away from them as much as possible. If you want to have a good relationship with your son, criticizing him for looking at hardcore porn and preaching to him about how horrible it is, is not exactly the best thing to do. I get that people have already told you this (I didn't read all the comments but some), but I wanted you to hear it from someone like me.

To be fair, she is young.  Most parents aren't comfortable with the fact that their kids are dealing with sex until their somewhere in their mid thirties (the kids) if they ever are.  This is largely thanks to a rather restrictive (coughreligiouscouch) American culture that seems to think the less its children know about something (sex) the better.

So thanks 14 year old Katie (or 48 year old Murray) for being more insightful and intelligent than other posters who are triple your age.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Anti-Religion Bumper Stickers I Enjoyed from Cafe Press

Cafe Press is awesome.  And I have no problem with faith.  I have my own spiritual beliefs.  I've seen faith bring people out of depression, rescue them from mental facilities, and give them a purpose in life.  What I do have a problem with is a faith whose good intentions are perverted by those that profess to be an authority on the subject and whose existence undermines the happiness of others.  And in being against homosexual marriage, every non-pagan religion does that.

Captions will take you to the page where you can purchase them, if I didn't screw anything up anyways.  Also, I don't make any money form anything on Cafe Press, so this and other posts are not shameless self promotions.

Arnett Tanner Wants to Die: Update

As some of you know, I have been working on a novel called Arnett Tanner Wants to Die for the past several weeks.  It is set in a dystopian future in which entire personalities are uploaded onto backup hardware, and uploaded into new bodies when physical death occurs.  Death has been outlawed in the United States, and suicide in particular is extremely taboo. 

The story follows Arnett Tanner, and his Suicide Watch Officer (SWO) Lars Hanson as the former continues in a never ending attempt to kill himself.  Tanner, holding the distinction of the man who has killed himself the most times, continually struggles to come to terms with his abject boredom regarding life, and the effects he has on the people and the society around him.

I have a really good idea where Arnett Tanner Wants to Die is going, and wow this story is crazy twisted/fucked up/how did I even think of that?  All I can say is that it is really unclear to the reader at this point (and to the writer up until now), who the protagonist is, who the antagonist is, who the story is really about, who lives, who dies, why, and even, what the actual story really is.  I don't know if it will be as heavy and as deep and meaningful as I would like, but in writing it, one thing has become abundantly clear.  A world without death would be fucked up to the extreme.

Maybe that's enough.

Webcomic: How my Cat Sees Me

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

T-Shirt Tuesday: Pagan Edition

So I've started a new ritual, every Tuesday (hopefully!) I will post images and links to awesome T-shirts.  If I do this right, clicking on the image should take you to the purchase link.

Pagan Temples


Rational Human


Wiccan Wheel of the Year.  This one's a little hard to see so I'm going to make the image bigger.  I think the artistry is just fantastic.

It's Your Hell:  A lot of people are under the misconception that all Pagans and Wiccans are satanists.  This is false.  Satan is entirely a Christian construct, as are the concepts of heaven and hell.

"If you leave the bible outside, the wind and the rain will destroy it.  My bible is the wind and the rain." --- Unnamed Native American Woman.  The five points of the Wiccan Pentacle (again, not a Satanist symbol), represent the four elements, Earth, Air, Water, and Fire, and the Spirit.  Kind of like Captain Planet.

The basic tenet of Wicca is the final part of the Wiccan Rede: "An it harm none, do what thou wilt."  If you're actions aren't hurting anyone, they're a-ok.  Beautiful.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Two Party Politics: Why the System is Broken

Green Party hopeful says Sestak showing 'cowardice.'

Look, I am not now, nor will I ever claim to be an expert on politics.  I think the very nature of politics is so widespread and so varied, no human being alive can rightfully make the claim that they are an expert on politics.  Thus, many of the things I may say are slightly off, or I have the terminology wrong.  Sue me.


That having been said, when I turned 18 and registered to vote, it came down to three choices.  I could register as a Democrat, an Independent, or a Green.  Well being an independent held some appeal as it allows you to cherry pick the points you like best from either party, but it didn't really seem to stand for anything.  As a party, I found the Democrats to be somewhat spineless and distasteful at best, and at worst, "Conservatism-Lite."

The Green Party was the obvious choice.  I agreed wholeheartedly with virtually all of their causes, platforms, and ideals.  Unfortunately, registering under a third party is basically a political death sentence in this country because if there's one thing the Democrats and Republicans hate almost as much as the other one being in power, it's neither being in power.

The gargantuan financial might of each side in the two-party system has caused this country to go back on the ideals set forth by the founding fathers.  Washington himself railed against the formation of political parties in his farewell address, but the system has become such that in virtually every major election, neither candidate is especially palatable because they must conform to an ultra-moderate, uninteresting line of ideals.  When was the last time there was a Republican or Democratic Ticket that you REALLY liked?

What we often find is that we agree with Candidate Elephant on A, B, and C, but disagree on D, E, F, G, and H.  Whereas with Candidate Donkey we might agree with them on D, E, F, and G, but disagree on A, B, C, and H.  Well, there you go, vote for the Donkey...but you're still putting a person in power with whom your ideals are only 50% compatible.  When I went to school, that was still a failing grade (by a lot).

There is often a candidate in every election that puts together a good portion of the best that either has to offer, but they never get any votes.  Why?  Because the cash-machines that are the Democrats and Republicans are constantly working to get "third parties" off the ballot in every state and every election they can.  That's right, they constantly strive to limit who you can vote for.  How is this democratic?

The Ds and Rs are afraid of two things.  That a third party will steal enough votes from them to put the opposition in power, and that a third party will gain enough of a foothold to begin to render either obsolete in the future.  Most people assume it's largely the former.  I actually think it's the latter.

If the Ds or Rs were truly ONLY concerned with vote-stealing, then there would be a harder push for a voting system in place (such as Instant-Runoff Voting) that would neutralize the effects of vote-stealing.  Instant Runoff Voting allows voters to rank their preference of candidates from greatest to least.

I'll explain:
Take an Election of 100 votes split between three candidates.  Candidate A receives 43 first place votes.  Candidate B receives 41 first place votes.  Candidate C receives 16 first place votes.  Neither candidate A or B have a majority.  So Candidate C is eliminated, and any ballot cast for them is read from the second place vote.  Let's say there are 10 second place votes for Candidate B, and 6 for A.  Candidate B would win the election 51-49.

In an actual election, candidate C would be a third party, such as the Green Party.  The Democrats wouldn't have to worry about potential votes stolen since the majority of liberal Greens would likely prefer a Democrat to a republican in office, and thus would likely rank their candidate second.

However, neither major party really gives a shit about voter reform unless they think they got fucked in a major election by illegal things such as disenfranchisement.  Therefore, it's less about fear of vote-stealing and more about preserving the status quo of the two party system.

In any state election, a "third party," must circulate a petition with a certain number of signatures in order to get their candidate's name on the ballot.  What Ds and Rs will do (to the Greens and Libertarians) is challenge many of those signatures in court in an attempt to get them thrown out, thus keeping that candidate off the ballot.  Since the Ds and Rs command so much money, many of these battles never even make it to court as the state and local "third parties" are unable to raise the funds to fight either of the two major powerhouse political parties.

It keeps fledgling political movements from gaining any ground (which admittedly isn't always a bad thing.  Looking at you Tea Party), which prevents them from gaining any national exposure in the long run.  It's increased the exclusivity of national debates to the point where any "third party" is laughed at when they bring up the notion of being included.

Unfortunately there is no easy way to break the mold, especially with Ross Perot's actions in 1992 essentially killing any chance that a third party had of actually getting elected.  The system is broken, and the only groups that can change the system are the ones that don't want to.  The only way for a third party candidate to get elected would be if the Ds and Rs put out two extremely unlikable candidates, which will probably never happen.  But hey, you can always hope for, say, Pelosi vs. Palin in 2012!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Shit to Look at Monday: Because Alliterations are Annoying

I know, I know, I said this would be a regular thing, but the truth is, I either forget, or I have trouble coming up with things to put here.  Or both.  So let's just say it will be a regular occurrence, when I feel like it.

Sex in the 21st Century
I've probably linked this blog here before, but it's worth mentioning again.  Penned by a female friend of a female friend, it is exactly what it sounds like, her thoughts, opinions and experiences on sex.  Written with an unabashed frankness that might make some guys uncomfortable (because, you know, women are able to talk like that too), it is probably my favorite non-hockey blog to read.  If only she'd update more often.

Stentilyzier's Survivor and Amazing Raec Youtube Vids
Like Survivor and The Amazing Race?  Want to catch up on past favorites, but can't find certain seasons available on DVD?  User Stentilyzier has you covered.  Amazing race seasons listed as 'S# E#,' Survivor seasons listed as '$# E#.'

Wicked Weasel Bikinis
Looking for some fun with your partner and tired of endless lingerie variants?  Then I direct you to Wicked Weasel which offers beachwear that goes from comfortable

to sexy

to positively eye-popping.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hockey Fight of the Week

Gord Donnelly vs. Claude Boivin

First Column over at BBG! Sabres By the Numbers

Sabres by the Numbers
Since we, as Sabres Fans, haven’t yet rightfully touched the Stanley Cup, we often hear older curmudgeon-y fans regaling us with tales of the Sabres of old. The Sabres are this, the Sabres are that, etc. Some of the words that have been thrown out there to describe the Sabres over their 39 season history are  “mediocre,” “have never been a contender,” and “soft.” So, looking over 39 years of Sabres history, what is the real story?

 Read More

CV: Does Not Golf Well With Others

I went golfing today, and it was actually one of my more enjoyable rounds.  The course was fairly empty, and the two walkers in front of us let my dad and I (in a cart) play through.  Plus I shot a 45 with all irons because I broke my driver and 3-wood the last time I was out.

But golf can be aggravating, and I'm not even talking about playing like shit.

I have nothing against people who want to get a little exercise.  Most of the time, the walker is an old guy by himself who can't hit the ball more than a hundred and fifty yards, but every shot is straight down the middle.  Then there's the other type of walker.  A group of three kids (it's always fucking three) who is too cheap to spring the extra $5 each for a cart...or you know to actually be good at golf.  The kind that take three shots to get past the ladies tees, traversing across the fairway each time.

Carting Morons
These are the walkers that weren't too cheap to spring for the cart.  Unfortunately their concept of how to golf isn't as evolved as their wallets.  There's nothing more annoying than sitting on the tees while some douchebag teenagers drive all over hell because they either can't find a ball, or have no concept of who's supposed to hit first.  This isn't a difficult concept.  The order is the one that makes the most logical sense!  And no, you don't have to drive to every god damned ball.  Drop your partner off and go hit your own shit.  Better yet...

...while I play through.

The Oblivious:
Take a drop.  Take a god damned drop.  Why are you taking off your shoes?  I wish I had a duck blind and a hunting rifle right now.  If you're going to hit shit in the water, maybe you shouldn't buy $90 packs of golf balls.  Just saying.  The cheap ones are just as easy to lose.  There are eight groups stacked up behind you.  Oh, now you hit it in the woods.  Take a drop...

Seriously, know where you are on the course, know who is in front of or behind you.  If you're the only one on the course, do all the golf ball hunting you want!  Otherwise, keep a spare in your pocket and play on.  Likewise, if you're a twosome, and a better twosome keeps getting stacked up behind you, why don't you play a hole with them, and let them go on ahead?

Asian Child Optional

My senior of college, the St. Lawrence Country club, ten minutes away at St. Lawrence University, offered $50 spring memberships for anyone with a student ID from any of the four schools in the area (SUNYs Potsdam and Canton, Clarkson, and St. Lawrence).  Basically this meant that for $50 you could play as much golf as you wanted for a month.

Being, at the time, a more avid golfer than my friends, I frequently went alone.  (I'm also a loser).  One day, I kept getting stacked up behind three women about my age.  As a single, I understand that I have no standing, and generally don't care if people let me play through.  Since they also kept getting stuck behind some group of dumbasses, they offered to play the last five holes with me.  You see people!  It's not hard to be courteous.  Oh yeah, and they were all on SLU's golf team and mopped the floor with me for four holes until I topped them with a par on the 18th.  Which actually brings me to my next point.

Women Golfers
I was not the least bit emasculated to play with three girls that were quite a bit better than me (ladies tees or not).  In fact, it was a nice change of pace, because the average woman golfer is about as skilled as a retarded St. Bernard.  (Yes Casie, you are the exception and would kick my ass).  It's like women all got together and agreed on a standard method of play just to piss everyone else off:
  • Take between three and seventy-four practice swings.
  • Miss the ball at least three times.
  • Top the ball horribly so it only goes ten feet.
  • Repeat.
 Thank god my ex was athletic enough to pick up the game and shoot, at worst, a 60 right off the bat.

People that Don't Respect the Course or Other Golfers
I was golfing at St. Lawrence and sliced a drive on a par five.  The ball had a decent lie, but was in the rough just behind a bunker.  The yardage tells me I'm 260-280 out and hitting uphill.  There are four old guys on the green.  I'm not trying to be a superhero, just hoping to get close, so I hit my shot.  I wind up rolling the ball onto the green.  Not dangerous, not a big deal, but I apologize anyways.

On the other hand, I cannot count the number of times I've had a shot land within thirty feet of me.  That's what yelling "fore!" is for.  If you're not going to stop being a moron, at least give me a two second warning before I'm about to be unconscious.

Also, I don't know if you realized this, but you're in a public place.  You'd get in trouble if you pulled your dick out and started waving it around.  So maybe you should recognize that other golfers are using the course.  Some of them at the same time!  Stop throwing your shit, stop taking chunks out of the green.  Replace your god damned divots and fix your ball marks.  It takes five seconds to do, and you're saving the grounds crew days of work, and tournament golfers the aggravation of landing in someone else's crater.

Golf Courses that Overbook Leagues
How annoying is it to drive out to a golf course, only to be told you have to wait because some shithole league has the course?  Ironwood in Baldwinsville is terrible at this.  Every league they have probably has about 120% of the golfers in it that it should.  Don't even plan on going unless its 1-2 hours after the league is supposed to be done.  Not to mention that league golfers think they can be a bunch of entitled assholes just because they're in a league.  I'm in a bowling league, they even give me a card!  I'm not a cock to other bowlers.

This wouldn't even be an issue if golf courses would join the rest of the world in the 21st century and create a navigable website.  How the fuck hard is it to learn basic HTML and post a league schedule.  Hell, just get a facebook page and do it there.  Your league golfers are happier, your casual golfers are happier, everybody wins!

This is the part where I don;t really have a conclusion so I just kind of stop typ

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Arguing Calls in Sports as a Player: Stupidity

Idea largely spurred by this article.

What was Hunter thinking?  What do you solve by doing something like that?  What statement are you making?  Look how big of an asshole I can be!

 Google: Surprisingly devoid of Goatse images with a "Huge Asshole" search.
And yes, with me, safesearch is always off.

I never understood the point of arguing judgment calls.  I argued one half of a call as a baseball player.  As the batter, attempting to stretch a routine single into a double slid directly into my glove instead of second base, I was shocked to hear the single home plate umpire (which should never happen on a ninety foot diamond) yell "Safe!"  I couldn't understand it, the throw beat the guy there by at least five steps.  My glove was down before he even started his slide.  He wasn't even on second base.  It was the worst call I've ever seen.

"His foot's not even touching the---"  I began to yell loudly, followed by a much quieter, "ah fuck it, it doesn't matter," said so only the runner could hear.  He laughed and congratulated us on a good relay and good tag and that was the end of it.

Now I've umpired, granted it's only little league, but I have at least some experience from the other side.  I'm never going to give anyone anything but a fair game, regardless of how big of a cock they are or have been.  But if you're making yourself known to an umpire for all the wrong reasons, they're going to be wary of you.  It could work in your favor, with some weaker umpires subconsciously giving a player calls so they don't have to hear them bitch.  It could go the opposite, with the umpire subconsciously spiting that player.  At the very least it's going to give said player a short chain (aka a quicker ejection) in the future with that umpire.

Not to mention the fact that you're embarrassing your teammates, your fans, and giving the opposition that much more reason to own you.  Because players just love kicking other players' asses and watching them go off like a little baby.

Now it's one thing if the call is wrong per the rules.  That's something that should never happen at any paid level of officiating ever.  If you're making money, even if it's only to umpire five year old kids playing tee-ball, you damn sure better know the rulebook backwards and forwards.  That is the only instance in which I will ever get on an umpire's shit, because it should never happen.

But it does...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Because I Was Bored

Clicky for the Big Version

I Hate this Stupid Month

A lot of people here piss and moan about how depressing the winters are.  I hope they all die.  Seriously...pretty sure I'll end up satisfied, even if it's later rather than sooner.  Seriously how is "I hope you die," even an insult?  Statistics show it has a 100% chance of happening.  Anyways...

Fuck all those people.  You know what's depressing?  August.  Fucking August.  Is there a shittier month than August?  Yeah, I know my mom's birthday in August, and without her, my existence probably wouldn't be fact.  But seriously, August sucks.

August Fails:
  • There's no fucking hockey to speak of.  By now free-agent signings have largely been reduced to AHL fillers.  Preseason is still weeks away.  I want my hockey damnit.
  • There's no football.  Sure camps are starting and all that crap, but who really cares.  There's nothing interesting going on until the games that count start.  Nigbayadi Gumeniauois, the seventh round draft pick out of Eastern Uzbekistan State got cut, YAY!
  • Baseball is about twenty games away from being relevant/interesting if that ever even happens any more.
  • NASCAR, not that interesting to begin with, is in the dreary middle of the season.
  • My softball coaching season is done.
  • My inline hockey season is done...except this year it isn't!  Yay fall session...even though it isn't actually fall.

And then there's the weather.  Now I know that August is different for some of you readers, but I live in New York.  That means that it's still fucking hot.  Look, I'm about five feet, ten inches tall and roughly negative eleven pounds.  I'm better equipped to deal with the heat than the average American, and I fucking hate it.  Masturbating is not that vigorous an activity.  I don't need to sweat while doing it.

And you can't beat the facts.  Statistics show more people that are me contemplate killing themselves in August than in any other month not named February (it's not even good enough to have thirty days!).  Truth.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Secret to Productivity!

Breaking News!

What is Black and Blue and Gold?
As many of you already know, Black and Blue and Gold is a blog authored by my good friend Phil devoted to the Buffalo Community, Buffalo Sports Scene, and Heavy Metal Music. what happened?
Some time last night, Phil extended an offer to me to write a weekly column for his blog, and I have arbitration necessary.

Ah, what will you be writing?
It will be a Buffalo Sports (almost assuredly Sabres) related piece, most likely (but not always) centered around statistics.

The article should be posted Sundays, perfect day for someone with the moniker Criminally Vulgar.

You don't write a lot of serious hockey-related entries, what can we expect?
The seriousness and professionalism will be a cut above what I write here.  Part of the reason I tend to avoid in depth analysis is that there are people much better at it than I am, and Phil is one of those writers.  I hope that my love of stats, and the endless time I can spend looking at them will result in some articles that will blow people away, or make them say, "wow, I didn't know that."

Will they also be posted here?
I'm not really sure how to handle this.  Double-posting seems excessive, and it might unnecessarily split the traffic.  I may link them or comment here, but the content will be over at BBG.  The goal is multifaceted.  As Phil's traffic grows, he wants to expand what he and Black and Blue and Gold bring to his readers, which means increasing content.  In internet media (don't we sound fancy) networking as everything.  The column will hopefully do three things:
  • Expand and increase BBG and its readership
  • Get readers that are exclusive to my blog reading his.
  • Get readers that are exclusive to his blog reading mine.

What does this mean for your CV content?
I don't post a lot of hockey-related articles anyways, so little, if anything, will change.  I will still be up to my usual contentious sassyness here.

And Now For Something Completely Different; Two Poems

by Alexander S. Bauer

Touch me with your lips
Your desolate caresses
Bring silence
To my world

Build a utopia
With the lascivious
Flicks of your tongue

Whisper in my year
Things you'd never
Look me in the eyes
And say

Undress me with a gaze
Then meld fantasy with life
Wander and linger
Your fingertips
As you please

Woken Dreams
by Alexander S. Bauer

I often exist
In woken dreams
Creating things
I'll never see

Living lives
That are only myths
Ignoring what
I'm living with

Tis better in
The fantasies
Reality's just
A broken dream

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

NHL Teams and Why I Hate Them (And You Should Too)

Obviously, I'm a big time Sabres fan.  A little known fact is that fandom has grown in me an intense loathing of about twenty other teams in the NHL.  Let's begin.

Anaheim Ducks:
I realize that I'll probably use the phrase "dirtiest team in the league" to describe about twelve other teams on here, at least with Anaheim I can say it and have every other Western Conference fan nodding their head vigorously.  They were third in PIM per game last season, and first in fighting majors.  While this might normally be awesome, its cottilion of douchebags and assholes are so unlikable you find yourself rooting for anyone and everyone to kick their ass.

I mean really Perry? Maybe you should go back to singing about your heterosexuality and your fondness for cherry chapstick. Just saying.

Most Likable Player: Todd Marchant (Buffalo Native)
Least Likable Player: Katy Perry
Fan Likablity: Anaheim has fans?

Atlanta Thrashers:
Look, I don;t have a lot to say about the Thrashers.  They play in the south in front of about 600 people and 200 teeth every night.  They have virtually no one intriguing on their roster, their fans are pathetic and they'll probably move.  In the words of Jordan Sullivan from Scrubs, "I don't hate them.  I nothing them."

Most Likable Player: Evander Kane
Least Likable Player: Niclas Bergfors (for his abundantly stupid name)
Fan Likability: It has to exist to be liked.

Boston Bruins:
The Bruins used to be the most tolerable sports franchise from that shit-hole of clam chowder and obnoxious accents to the northeast.  Then they signed a retarded half-giant, slapped a 33 on his back and told him to play defense.  I'm not saying Chara is stupid, but the dude's voice sounds like a cross between Chunk from the goonies, and what I imagine Helen Keller to have sounded like.  Come to think of it, he kind of looks like that too.

Least Likable Player: Tie between Zdeno Chara and Johnny Boychuk
Most Likable Player: Tie between Drew Carey and Vladmir Sobotka

Sobotka's fight with Sekera is what I imagine Helen Keller shadow boxing to look like.  Except she'd land more punches.

Fan Likability: It's fucking Boston, what do you think?

Calgary Flames:
Look, everyone knows that Calgary is my second favorite team.  Their 07-08 playoff series with the Sharks was the sort that hockey fans dream about.  Seriously, you have CuJo coming off the bench down 3-0.  Then Cory Sarich rails the shit out of Patrick Marleau who started bleeding like Tsar Alexander, and the Flames rallied to win 4-3.

 "The Flames are trying to win the series by giving the Sharks AIDS via Marleau's face" --- My friend Britt.

Most Likable Player: Miikka Kipprusoff.  Extra letters for extra awesome.
Least Likable Player: Ollie Jokinen
Fan Likability:  Hotter than a Red-out in the best stadium name in existence.  Pengrowth Saddledome.  Sounds like either a horrific STD, or an awesome sexual maneuver.  Either way, I have a boner.

Carolina Hurricanes:
You have sold the smallest percentage of your seats in the NHL since 1990.  You're the only team to move and fill a smaller percentage of seats.  Fuck.  You.

Most Likable Player: None.
Least Likable Player: Tie, Eric Staal, Cam Ward, Everyone Else, Their Ice Girls who are undoubtedly all lesbians with penises.
Fan Likability: I hope a tornado touches down in Raleigh.

Chicago Blackhawks:
I don't care much about the Blackhawks.  Really, it was nice to see them win a Stanley Cup for the first time since 1961 and that's about it.  I don't have any reason to like or hate them.  They're slightly enjoyable to watch play and that's about it.

Most Likable Player: Marty Turco (I'm current motherfuckers!)
Least Likable Player:  Now that Andrew Ladd is gone, I don't really know.  Let's pick someone who doesn't deserve it.  Why?  Because FUCK YOU Corey Crawford.
Fan Likability:  dada da dada da dada

Colorado Avalanche:
Quebec did not deserve to lose its team.  That having been said, Colorado isn't a bad market, nor is their team terribly unlikable.  Plus I can piss off the wannabe French by referring to them as "Patrick Roy's Team."  Awesome.

Most Likable Player: Craig "That Guy" Anderson

Least Likable Player: Darcy Tucker
Fan Likability: Whatever

Columbus Blue Jackets:

Most Likable Player: Zzzzzz
Least Likable Player: ZZZzzzz
Fan Likability: As much as other Columbus sports fans.  Aka, genocide-advocatingly good!

Dallas Stars:
Minnesota never should have lost their team.  Hull's skate was in the crease.  Texas is a shitty state.  Fuck you all to hell.

Fuck I'm not doing this part.

Detroit Red Wings:
Imagine if you will, that you're Dr. Hockeystein.  You need to create a monster team out of spare parts.  The problem is, you only have vaginas.  You would be the creator of the Red Wings.  While the Ducks are obnoxious to watch because they're a bunch of fight-mongering assholes, the Red Wings are obnoxious for the opposite reason.  While they display plenty of grit, there's no inherent toughness, no fighters, no guys you don't want to run into in a dark ally at night.  It's a team full of women and geriatric men that without Viagra, are basically women anyways.

Most Likable Player: Justin Abdelkader because his name is fun to say
Least Likable Player: Tie, Tomas Holmstrom, Jimmy "James" Howard
Fan Likability: Entitled, obnoxious, and not very passionate.  What do you think?

Edmonton Oilers:
I realize that as a small-time Calgary Flames fan, I should hate them.  But I don't.  In fact, I rather like them.  Something about most West Coast teams makes them difficult to dislike.  Probably because the Sabres rarely play them, and when they do, they tend to beat them.  I mean sure they suck and all, and Devan Dubnyk is as competent an NHL goaltender as a cheese-doodle.  What's not to like?

Most Likable Player: Idk, Dustin Penner?
Least Likable Player: Devan Dubnyk
Fan Likability: I have no idea.  It's hockey Siberia.  Where GMs send players they hate, to die.

Florida Panthers:
Look, it's hockey in Florida.  What do you want me to say?  I think it's retarded that Florida has two hockey teams and since the Panthers do worse in attendance, they earn my ire.

Most Likable Player: The keyboard dude.  Radek Dvorak.
Least Likable Player: Lazy ass Tomas Vokoun.
Fan Likability: f-what now?

Los Angeles Kings:
I shouldn't hate the Kings.  I should just not give two shits about the Kings just like their fans, but I don't.  Why?  Because every time we play the fucking Kings since 1985, shit like this happens.

Most Likable Player: Dustin Brown
Least Likable Player: Ryan Smyth.  Can someone just knock the shit out of him already?
Fan Likability: Snore.

Minnesota Wild:
Look, the fans are great.  It's too bad their team is boring as fuck and their logo is almost as retarded as Vancouver's literal hall of aborted fetuses...fetii?

Most Likable Player: Niklas Backstrom
Least Likable Player: It's a Trap!
Fan Likability: Second to Buffalo

Montreal Canadiens:
If you have to use your logo twice at center ice, you're retarded.

The Montreal faithful are about as likable as any wannabe French who resort to soccer chants during a hockey game and burn shit in their city after opening round playoff wins.  The fans are the Yankee fans of hockey and the team is dirty as fuck.  Every time you go to the Bell Center, you can count on the officiating ass fucking you at every opportunity.  Seriously, I saw Koharski with his pants down once...and a donut...

Not to mention the have they biggest asshole in hockey not named Jarkko or Sean.  Maxim Lapierre is such a fucking cunt of a human being I want to sic Chris Simon circa 2007 on his pathetic ass.  And the fucking ref standing right there doesn't even call a penalty!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Though it would be a damn shame if someone knocked him out of the league...a shame it didn't happen sooner.

Most Likable Player: Any player on the IR.
Least Likable Player: Tie, Maxim Lapierre, Scott Gomez, Carey Price.
Fan Likability: Negative infinity to the infinitieth power.

Nashville Predators:
You let Andrew Peters score.  That fucking happened.

3:00 Mark

Most Likable Player: J.......P.......DUMONT!
Least Likable Player: Jordin Tootoo
Fan Likability:

Through the Roof

Here's another:

New Jersey Devils:
Yous guys better hates the Devils's.  How many teams can you name that have won multiple Stanley Cups in the past fifteen years and are perennial bottom dwellers when it comes to league attendance.  The answer should be none.  The answer is the New Jersey Devils.  Who was responsible for slowing hockey to the pace of middle school girls soccer in the 90s?  The answer is the New Jersey Devils.

Most Likable Player: Patrick Elias.  Because he is fucking awesome.
Least Likable Player: Ilya Kovalchuk until proven otherwise anyways...
Fan Likability:  Well...

New York Islanders:
Look, I feel for the Islanders.  I really do.  They went from arguably one of the most powerful dynasties in the NHL to playing in what can best described as a gazebo 100% full of filth, and 50% full of actual fans.  I'm not saying that the arena is dirty, but the second he was drafted, John Tavares came down with AIDS.

Most Likable Player: Gotta be the GM, right?

Least Likable Player: Might also be Garth Snow.
Fan Likability: Right there with Philly

New York Rangers:
I have two middle fingers firmly extended for the Rangers and their fans.  I mean look, at least the Islanders know they're pathetic and haven't been relevant in about 20 years.  Rangers fans have such an obnoxious entitlement complex, just because they're from New York City.  I mean I love New York City, I think it's beautiful.  But let's be honest, it contains the same percentage of assholes and twats as every other city in America not located in New Jersey.  Get over yourselves.

Sean Avery is a prick and Henrik Lundqvist is overrated.  There, I said it.  Lundqvist has got to be one of the least clutch players in the league, right?  I mean how does Roberto Luongo catch so much flak and Lundqvist escapes it.  Other than the fact that the Rangers are always terrible because their GM is a retarded chimp and they often don't even get the opportunity to choke like Bobbi Eden in the playoffs (google it!).  I mean, we're talking about the guy that couldn't even out-duel Brian Boucher to get into the playoffs.  Brian fucking Boucher.  Who the hell is Brian Boucher?

In an unrelated note, doesn't that coach look like Dick Jauron?

Most Likable Player: None.
Least Likable Player: If you have to ask, you're on the wrong blog.
Fan Likability: Meh, whatever, they sell out their building and don't know anything about hockey.

Ottawa Senators:
Dirtiest god damn team in the league.  Did I use that already?  Fuck it, I don't care.  Has there ever been a likable Ottawa Senator?  Seriously.  Ray Emery was a smug bastard.  Dany Heatley is a loudmouthed bastard.  Jason Spezza is a douchebag.  Daniel Alfredsson is one of the dirtiest players in the league, yet no one calls him on it.  Their former coach sounded like gay daffy duck.  Andy Sutton knows about six total words...whoops he's gone.  Chris Neil looks like he tried to fellate a moving sledgehammer, and Jarkko Ruutu should have his teeth similarly removed for the safety of the rest of the league.

Most Likable Player: Nick Foligno
Least Likable Player:

Fan Likability: Worst Canadian Hockey Market.  Hey, someone has to be last.

Philadelphia Flyers:
I know I should hate Philly, but I don't.  Not all the time anyways.  As a kid, my first favorite player in the league was Ron Hextall.  I love a rough and tumble style of hockey, and while the Flyers will fuck you up...(deep breath)...they actually aren't that dirty.  Certainly less so than a Montreal, an Anaheim, or an Ottawa.  I mean sure, they threaten annually to lead the league in penalty minutes, and once a year they put an opponent on a stretcher, but I mean come on, for Philly, that's the equivalent of a good natured pat on the butt.

The flip side to that is their fans.  God are their fans a bunch of miserable, fat, stupid, pathetic meatballs named Murph and Sal, and Jimbo, who can drink their weight in beer and generally look like Rosie O'Donnell with Robin Williams's body hair.  (Now picture it bitches).  They booed Santa Clause!  Granted that was in 1968, but they've done nothing to change that reputation!  How many things can you look at and go, yep, unchanged in 42 years?

Most Likable Player: Ian Laperriere, Quebecois badass.  Not to be confused with Maxim Lapierre, who we already covered, and is a cockbag.
Least Likable Player: Jody Shelley.  He has two fucking girl's names.  He better be tough.
Fan Likability: They don't make a number small enough.

Phoenix Coyotes:
(Insert obvious Hamilton joke).  They're alright.  One of a few teams that are just ho-hum for me.  I still think Jovanovski is an ass-eater though.

Most Likable Player: Lee Stempniak
Least Likable Player: Ed Jovanovski
Fan Likability: Just dandy when they show.

Pittsburgh Penguins:
What do you think of when the Pittsburgh Penguins come to mind?  Probably Sidney Crosby's Dirty Sanchez playoff mustache?  Like the Senators, it seems the Penguins go out of their way to draft unlikable players.  SIdney Crosby is a whiner, Malkin plays dirty, and I don't even need to mention Matt Cooke.  I'm so annoyed, I'm just going to move on before I need to masturbate to Evander Kane's one punch knockout of Cooke.

Most Likable Player: Jay McKee
Least Likable Player: Sidney Crosby
Fan Likability: Good TV ratings, let em brag a little.

San Jose Sharks:
Look, Dan Boyle is a cock.  We all know this.  Watching him finally beat Evgeni Malkin on behalf of the Colorado Avalanche in the playoffs was poetic.  And they picked up Dany Heatley, who no one likes.  Still, I have trouble getting excited either way about the Sharks.  They're pretty much the same thing they've been for the past ten years.  Perennial division winner that is sure to crap out in the playoffs.  In the words of the immortal Dennis Green:

Most Likable Player: Joe Pavelski
Least Likable Player: Dan Boyle
Fan Likability: Tossing sharks on the ice in Detroit to spite Wings fans?  Winner!

St. Louis:
Ah, Buffalo south.  A once great franchise and fanbase whittled away by years of mediocrity and an abysmal performance after the lockout.  Unlike the Sabres though, they haven't had 97, 98, 99, 06, and 07 to pull out of it.  Just a bajillion ho-hum playoff appearances from the dawn of time to the lockout.  The fans are great, they deserve better than what they see on the ice year in and year out.

Most Likable Player: David Backes
Least Likable Player: I don't even know.
Fan Likability: Read Above

Tampa Bay Lightning:
God damnit, Florida again?  Who the hell cares?

Most Likable Player: Simon Gagne
Least Likable Player:  You fucking Geek!

Fan Likability: Fun fact, since the Tampa Bay Lightning played at the ThunderDome (Tropicana Field) for a short time, they hold the record for largest indoor attendance at 28,183 in the NHL. But it's still hockey in Florida.

Toronto Maple Leafs:
I've never been to a Sabres - Leafs tilt. Something about me doesn't feel like shelling out $400 total for tickets to put up with a bunch of assholes from Canada who, since they never win, have perfected the art of douchebaggery.

Honestly, I don't hate the leafs as much as I hate, say...the Rangers, the Senators, the Bruins, the Canadiens, or Stefani Germanotta. I might if they didn't suck. I mean the Sabres beat them roughly 3,872 times in a row up until last season. How do you hate someone whose ass you perennially kick? It's like the University of Michigan, or Penn State University Football hating the 400 FCS teams they schedule every year so some teams in the Big Ten can look like they don't suck.

Most Likable Player: None.
Least Likable Player: Colby "Cherry Picking Asshole" Armstrong
Fan Likability: Depends, do you enjoy beer showers?

Vancouver Canucks:
 A lot of western conference fans hate the Canucks.  I just don't.  I mean I think Roberto Luongo is as big an egotist as anyone (except maybe that cock-warbler that held that ESPN show to go to Miami), and most of their players are various shades of annoying, but again we only see them 1-2 times a year so I don't really care.

Most Likable Player: Idk, Hamhuis?
Least Likable Player: I hear Burrows and Kesler are assholes...
Fan Likability:

Washington Capitals:
Look, I'll just follow in my policy of being honest.  I think that the Caps are made up of a bunch of soft dirty euros, and they play hockey like a bunch of soft dirty euros.  I'm as tired of seeing Alexander Ovechkin's shovel-faced toothless smile as I am Crosby's babyish nut-punching puss.  The only enjoyable part of the Washington Capitals is the endless amount of Semin jokes I can make.

Most Likable Player: Alexander Semin
Least Likable Player: Alexander Ovechkin
Fan Likability: Alexander the who cares, you weren't even relevant until Ovechkin came into the league.