Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Top 500 Movies of All Time: What Didn't Belong

Recently I stumbled across Empire's list of the Top 500 Movies of All Time here.  The list was generated largely using the rankings from a few movie sites, such as  This is retarded as the recency tendency will tend to have movie-goers way overrating a lot of newer movies.  Just read the list, you'll see.

Now I can't comment on movies I haven't seen.  Which was 406 of the 500 movies.  So I'll take the remaining 94 and discuss why they do, or do not belong on the list.  Starting in Part I with the movies that didn't belong.

The Superhero Movies:
15). The Dark Knight
81). Batman Begins
309). Transformers
406). Iron Man
411). Spider Man II
432). X-Men II
437). Spider Man

None of those movies even deserve to be on the list.  No, not even The Dark Knight, which I already know is the movie I'm going to catch the most flak for.  Look, to be fair, TDK is probably the best comic book movie ever made.  Which makes it around the 9,000th best movie ever made.

The Batman franchise had sunk so low that all people were really looking for was a couple of movies that didn't suck.  When they got a couple of movies that not only didn't suck, but were actually pretty good, that's when things got blown out of proportion.  I like Heath Ledger as much as the next guy, but it is really stupid to use his performance as a justification for TDK being a great film.  It's kind of like putting Max Afinogenov into the hockey hall of fame based on the 360 goal.  And, whoever the casting director was, if you want me to get attached to a female protagonist to the point where I care what happens, you're going to have to do a lot better than Maggie Gyllenhaal.  Just saying.

The Kids Movies:
99). Toy Story
141). Snow White
179). Toy Story
310). The Lion King
322). Aladdin
343). Monsters Inc.
407). The Jungle Book

I don't really have a problem with any of the above movies, I just don't think that movies for children are worth making much of a fuss about.  Especially Disney movies which give kids a healthy dose of unrealistic circumstances and expectations regarding life.  If anything, I would include The Lion King, or one other Disney Movie that I will mention later.

Franchise Movies:
34). The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
54). The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
56). Casino Royale
91). Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
203). Monty Python and the Life of Bryan
233). Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
234). The Bourne Ultimatum
330). Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
365). The Bourne Identity
409). Men in Black
449). Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
453). Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
454). The Bourne Supremacy
471). Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
475). Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
500). Oceans 11

I'll just go rapid fire here.
  • The new bond movies suck and killed everything that made Bond enjoyable.
  • Temple of Doom is my favorite IJ movie, but there's no way it measures up to RotLA or tLC.
  • The Bourne movies are good action flicks, nothing more.
  • You have to be legally retarded to include any of the new Star Wars movies on a top anything list that doesn't have the word "suck" in it.
  • Ditto for the new Indiana Jones movie.
  • I like Harry Potter, but condensed versions of the books have no place in movie Valhalla.
  • There are better heist movies than Oceans 11, like After the Sunset, or The Nobel Son.
  • The rest simply aren't good enough.

Everyone Loves These Movies But Me:
9). Pulp Fiction
43). The Big Lebowski
53). Donnie Darko
113). Anchorman
337). 300
487). Superbad

Pulp goddamn Fiction.  Ninth best movie?  Really?  Is that even the ninth best movie made that year?  (The Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump, The Professional, Clerks, Dumb and Dumber).  Yikes.

The Big Lebowski just bored me when Tara Reid wasn't talking about sucking dick, which, disappointingly, was most of it.  I thought Donnie Darko was okay, but not earth shattering (I think you might have to be high?), certainly no better, and probably much worse than The Butterfly Effect.  Anchorman is just stupid.  Will Ferrell, cut that shit out.  300 was okay.  Superbad made me laugh, but top 500 movies of all time?  No way.

I can come up with $1,000...

Top 500 Movies...Really?
188). School of Rock
310). Gremlins
325). Kill Bill Vol. 1
387). Rain Man
423). Kill Bill Vol. 2
455). Top Gun
456). 28 Days Later

I love Gremlins and 28 Days Later, but masterpieces they are not.  Rain Man just proves Tropic Thunder (which I am ashamed of having degraded myself enough to watch) correct.  High Profile Actor + Ugliness/Retardation = Academy Award.  It's long and boring, and this is coming from a guy that mainly watches movies that the majority of people consider to be long and boring.

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