Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Ideal Woman: Criminally Vulgar Style

It's not what you think!

It's a little bit what you think.

I mean really, this one seems to be right in my wheelhouse.  We'll go with subservient, no gag reflex, fucks like a porn star, looks like a porn star (without the herpes) and doesn't want kids please.  Thank you.

But no, the purpose of this entry is to explore the ideal WOMAN.  Not fuck toy.

Now that I've gotten that bit out, the difficult part, figuring out what I actually like in a human being of the female variety.  I think that perhaps the best way to do that would be to pull the traits I liked best from the women I've dated and combine those with the traits I haven't had the joy of experiencing in a romantic partner.

Kindness - It seems stupidly obvious that you'd want your life partner to be a nice person.  Still, it's kind of surprising how many women (or men for that matter) lack the simple quality of decency.  That's one of the things I remember about my first girlfriend, that she was an unrelentingly kind person.  I definitely like someone with a sense of selflessness and respect for other people because I try to embody those qualities myself.  I like a certain "aww" factor.

Intelligence - By now, you're probably going, this is retarded.  Of course everyone wants a girl that is nice and intelligent.  Who wants someone bitchy and stupid?


But I don't care if she knows the capital of Maine, or that making your body 56% plastic and silicone is a really terrible idea (I bet you'd bounce like a superball though).  I like an inherent intelligence that can't be acquired, a certain level of snarkiness that some people just possess.  One that thinks rearranging the letters in a hardware store to spell PHALLUS is funny because it will stay like that all day since most of the employees won't get it.


A Certain Lack of Inhibitions - An ex of mine had no qualms about making out atop the dryers in the laundry room at college.  And it was awesome.  Now granted there can be too much of a good thing, and I'd rather not date a girl looking to get Eiffel-Towered on the subway.  But there is a distinct amount of fun in mortifying the people around you because you've got the confidence to create the perfect awkward moments.

Good - When at the grocery store buying items for the salad that's going with dinner, she decides that in addition to carrots, cucumbers, and celery, that it's the perfect time to replenish our stores of condoms and lube.

Better - When someone in the checkout line notices and tries to act like they didn't, she whispers loudly "I don't think that lady's getting her daily vegetable intake if you know what I mean."

Best - Some of the condoms are already on the vegetables.  You know...just to be safe.

Google Image Search seriously yielded pages upon pages of similar images from different sources.  Thank you internet for protecting the nation's vegetables.


Athleticism - One of the more endearing qualities to my fourth ex (and the first girl I loved) was that even though she couldn't kick my ass at anything, she'd give it her best shot, and she'd come damn close.  A lot of guys are intimidated by a woman that knows and plays sports, feeling like it's a crack at their manhood if they're not significantly more athletic and more knowledgeable than their girl.

Personally, I'm the opposite.  I love sports, I love watching them, and I love playing them, why wouldn't I want to share that with someone?  Plus I tend to embrace my indoorsy side, so I like having someone that encourages me to go out and do stuff.


A Blend of Tomboyishness and Femininity - To me, nothing is sexier than a girl who wants to go toe to toe with me in an athletic forum, and wear my clothes, and yet still cuddle up and be the little spoon when we settle down to watch a movie.  I love, love, love strong, independent, and intelligent women, but I also love softness, sensitivity, and even a bit of clinginess in a girl.  Maybe the best way to say it, is in public I like when people wonder who the guy in the relationship is, and in private, I like it to be pretty clear that I am.  Sue me.

So what have I been lacking so far?


Artistry - Probably the biggest quality I want in someone is a sense of artistry, be it writing, drawing, painting, whatever.  I realize that the artistic type might be lacking some of the above qualities (like athleticism), but I don't care.  I've been around enough stodgy uninteresting engineers to know that I need someone with a creative soul.


Can Pull off Short Hair - I haven't really included any physical characteristics to this point largely because they don't fucking matter.  They do, but they really don't.  My only hard line requirement is generally smaller than me.  Beyond that, I can't really consistently give a body-type that I prefer.  I just know what I like physically, and I know it when I see it.  However, for some reason, short hair has started to look really good to me lately.


A Nerdiness that Overlaps at least Slightly With My Own - I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, The X-Files, Star Trek, Webcomics, Futurama, Indie Movies, antiques, Autobiographies.  Match up with me on a few, and you're good to go.  I like spending a lot of time with my partner, so it is essential that we have very similar interests.  If she likes comic books and anime, that's pretty sweet.  She can teach me.  If she's way more indie than I will ever be, all the better.  And if she cosplays, I'll marry her.


A Healthy Interest in Sex, and Fetish Play - Oh shit.  Do you hear that?  It's all my credibility as a decent guy and a nice person slipping away because I mentioned sex.  Because for some reason, the second a guy mentions that he likes sex he's just...ugh, typical man.

I'm sorry (I'm not actually sorry), but I recognize that people have different sex drives, and I need someone that is a match for mine.  Specifically I need someone that can match my peculiarities and perversions.  What's the point of having fantasies if you can't at least act out a few of them.  I like rope, I will always like rope, and my partner needs to be comfortable with it as well.  I realize that admission is going to be strange, even distasteful to some, but everyone has their kinks.  To be honest, I think those that prefer under the covers, missionary sex to be the most fucked up of us all.


So let's recap and see how unrealistic I'm being!

I want someone who is:
Nice
Intelligent
Not Easily Embarrassed
Athletic
A blend of tomboyish and feminine qualities
Artistic (okay at the expense of athleticism)
Nerdy
Can pull off short hair.
Sexually Active (in the wants it more than once a week sense)
and Sexually Deviant

Hmm, actually that doesn't seem so bad, especially since I think every girl contains some degree of tomboyishniss, femininity, nerdiness and sexual deviance.

So where is she?







1 comment:

  1. Maybe stodgy engineers don't talk about their poetry and sex lives at work

    ReplyDelete