Wednesday, June 30, 2010

State of the NHL: A Fanbase by Fanbase Commentary

This is not a commentary on the quality of each team, its players or its chances.  This is solely an objective assessment on the fanbase of each organization and where they stand heading into the future.

Anaheim -
Ah perfect way to start, with a team that has seen its attendance numbers explode after their Stanley Cup Victory in 2007.  Or not.  After a strong showing in 2008, ranking 6th in the league in attendance (basis: percentage of arena filled), the Anaheim "faithful" were up to their old tricks, finishing 15th and 20th in 2009 and 2010.

To make matters worse, Anaheim didn't even host a Stanley cup parade.  Jesus fucking Christ, even Raleigh got 30,000 transplanted New Yorkers and Canadians to show up in 2006.  And that year didn't even count!

Ducks Fans in a Picture:
Putting the "Pathetic" in "Apathetic" California Sports Fans

Atlanta -
Another one?  Mother fuck, aren't there any Canadian cities that begin with the letter 'A?'

The Thrashers fans remind me of Jason Pominville.  In that the population of Pominville is usually higher than the population of Philips Arena.  Also, they're 29th out of 30 teams in attendance this decade.  Granted I can't blame the Thrashers faithful too much since their team has made a steadfast commitment to being really fucking awful.

Thrashers Fans in a Picture:

If Pominville had been Founded in 1999, the Population would be 219.  Just sayin...

Boston -
Right about now you'd be expecting to find a legitimate fanbase.  Well you would be wrong.  Attendance wise in this decade Boston ranks behind such fanbase powerhouses as Tampa Bay, Columbus, and St. Louis.  Ouch.

Boston might be a decent fanbase if the majority of their fans weren't pink hat wearing communists that started liking Boston sports in know...when everyone was doing it.  When you're a hockey hotbed and you can't crack 14th in attendance with one of the smallest arenas in the NHL you're pretty much dogshit.

Bruins Fans in a Picture:

Maybe there was a Preseason Red Sox Game?

Buffalo -
Ah finally we get to one of the flagship franchises for fandom in the NHL.  Buffalo routinely dominates the TV ratings, not only for Sabres games, but for hockey in general.  The attendance is almost always full, and come playoff time, the Sabres are the sole team to broadcast games outside the arena for the thousands of fans that show.

Sabres Fans in a Picture:

This Caption is a Better Fan than You Are

Calgary -
Calgary is kind of an enigma.  Their attendance was terrible before the lockout, peaking at 20th in the NHL.  Then during the lockout year, the Calgary Hitmen (WHL) led all professional and junior teams in attendance in North America.  Coming out of the lockout the Flames finished no worse than 8th in attendance for the next five years.

No ones debating that the red-out is a thing of beauty in the Saddledome, but how does a Canadian team have such awful attendance numbers.  Being terrible isn't an excuse, just ask leafs fans.

Flames Fans in a Picture:

Carolina -
How bad are canes fans?  To you give you somewhat of an impression, here is where each Stanley Cup Winner ranked in attendance the following season.

2001 - 22nd (New Jersey Devils) - Rest assured, we will address the Devils later.
2002 - 4th (Colorado Avalanche)
2003 - 5th (Detroit Red Wings)
2004 - 25th (New Jersey Devils)
2005 - lockout
2006 - 1st (Tampa Bay Lightning)
2007 - 18th (Carolina Hurricanes)
2008 - 6th (Anaheim Ducks)
2009 - 14th (Detroit Red Wings)
2010 - 5th (Pittsburgh Penguins)

Typically when a team performs well, they gain some local interest and see an attendance boon.  And while the Canes did see a number jump, 18th place in the league after winning the most coveted trophy in sports is hardly commendable.

And while the Devils look even worse, and the Red Wings nearly as bad, one must realize that out of NHL cities, Detroit and Newark have the 3rd and 10th highest poverty rates.  Where is Raleigh?  Oh yeah, they have the 3rd lowest.  Not to mention that Raleigh is too fucking embarrassed for its hockey fans to even release local TV ratings.  Even Florida is like yo, we got eight people watching!

So we have a good team in an era where hockey is at its most entertaining in a rich city...and people still aren't showing up.  That's what we call a fan fail.

Canes Fans in a Picture:
You knew it was coming

Chicago -
There is only one word to describe hawks fans and it begins with the letter 'F.'  Fickle.  Starting in 2001, Chicago's attendance rankings:  28, 27, 30, 30, lockout, 30, 30, 28, 1, 1.

Hawks Fans in a Picture:

Colorado -
Colorado falls into that middle ground with a lot of teams.  Some good years, some middling years and not much else to write home about such as great TV ratings, Party's in the Plaza or uncontrollable rioting.

Avalanche Fans in a Picture:

Columbus -
The NHL is trying to bore me to tears in the way this alphabetizes.  What the hell do you want me to say about Blue Jackets fans?  Ask your friend to name all 30 NHL teams.  He will forget the blue jackets EVERY SINGLE TIME.  They are easily the least relevant team in the NHL.  They can't do anything right, they can't win, can't score a ton of goals, can't draft flashy Russians.  Fucking Christ, they can't even fail.  Jim Balsillie won't even touch the Jackets.

Blue Jackets Fans in a Picture:
I thought about posting a picture of testicles with a smiley drawn on them.

Dallas -
People will tell you that Dallas is a relatively strong hockey fan base.  If they add the modifier "for the south," then they are right.  Dallas comes in at 13th in attendance over the past decade, second only to San Jose, and they were third this past season in TV ratings to San Jose and Washington.  Since they're the only team to cheat to win a cup, we're just going to move along.

Detroit -
Ah the hilariously inappropriately named hockeytown.  (Yes I know it's just a trademark).  A lot of people want to blame the economy in Detroit for the waning fan interest in the last three years (16th, 14th, and 16th in attendance) and while that may be a little bit excusable the fact that Buffalo, a market 1/4th the size, with a higher poverty rate and lower median household income routinely outperforms Detroit not only in attendance figures, but in TV ratings as well.

Red Wings Fans in a Picture:

Edmonton -
At first glance, Hockey Siberia doesn't seem like much.  Then you realize that they finish second in attendance among Canadian markets only to Toronto.  Granted they do have a tiny arena, but they have a tiny population as well.

Sure no one really wants to go there because it smells or something, and its where Lindy threatened to trade Max if he didn't start playing better, but hey the fans are great!

Oilers Fans in a Picture:
Holy Shit, That's Awesome

Florida -
I'm not going to waste your time.  Dead last in attendance this decade, dead last among cities that release local TV ratings.  Who the fuck decided putting two teams in Florida was a good idea?

Florida Panthers Fans in a Picture:
Oh, Right...

Los Angeles -
See Colorado's Entry.

Minnesota -
The only team that can even sniff at the Buffalo Sabres in terms of top American NHL fan bases, owing largely to the absurd fact that they've sold out every single game since they received the team.  Their TV ratings could be a bit better, but perhaps they're a bit skewed since every fucking fan is at the game.

Wild Fans in a Picture:

Montreal -
Cut the fucking soccer chants and stop rioting after preseason wins and maybe I'll respect you, you wanna be french assholes.

Canadiens Fans in a Picture:
Fuck You.

Nashville -
Another southern market, are we done with these yet?

Predators Fans in a Picture:
Pictured: Redeeming Quality

New Jersey -
How in the hell does a NORTHERN market in a HUGE city with MULTIPLE Stanley Cups in the past decade peak at 21st in the league in attendance and average out to be 28th?  (Congratulations you beat Atlanta and Florida!)

Worst fans in the league bar none.  At least Florida and Atlanta fans have the excuse that they didn't grow up in a culture of hockey.  New Jersey can make no such excuses.  I hope you move.

Devils Fans in a Picture:

NY Islanders -
Pretty much read the New Jersey entry, add in the words "crappy arena" and insert "Long Island" for Newark.

Islanders Fans in a YouTube Video:

NY Rangers - 
What is it with those New York area fans?  Good lord they just suck something fierce.  Look, the Rangers typically sell out every game, but who wouldn't in a city of 19 million people?  Their TV ratings are severely underwhelming.

Douchebag Fans in a Picture:
Yo Vinny and yous guyz...

Ottawa - 
Ahh, the New York Rangers of Canada.  It's not like the team as been awful, or the team is really that new any more.  Still the attendance numbers continue to be pitiful.  Ranked 20th in the league this decade and never ranked higher than 14th in any give year for a Canadian fanbase is just sad.

Senators Fans in a Picture:

Philadelphia - 
When Edward Jenner cured smallpox, philly fans were there to boo him.

 Flyers Fans in a Picture:

Phoenix - 
Coyotes Fans in a Picture:
Enough Said

Pittsburgh - 
I have to be honest, their attendance has been good, even in some really shitty years.  Their TV ratings are always second behind Buffalo, the Pittsburghians really like their hockey.

Still, I think they're about four years away from being an entitled pack of bitches like Detroit and New Jersey.

Penguins Fans in a Picture:

San Jose - 
Aw christ another southern fan base...   Actually let's give the sharks their due.  Not only do they outpace every other southern fan base, they're actually a solid fan base period.  They routinely rank in the top ten in the NHL in attendance and TV ratings, even if everyone who lives there is filthy fucking rich.  Hey, nobody's perfect.

Sharks Fans in a Picture:
Because Shitting on Red Wings Fans is Awesome

St. Louis - 
St. Louis is almost a southern mirror of Buffalo.  The team doesn't often give fans a lot to shout about, is always overshadowed within the division (hey, we're more popular than Columbus!), and never covered by sports media writers.  I feel like the fan base in St. Louis is pretty strong, even though the number suggest otherwise.  Seriously, pick up a player I can name and maybe your fans will start showing up.

Blues Fans in a Picture:
You Know that Cat is Ready to Start Something...

Tampa Bay -
You have an entire webpage devoted to how pissed you are that opposing fans ROUTINELY outnumber your own fans at YOUR arena because YOUR fanbase sucks.  Which might be allowable if you didn't list EVERY OTHER FUCKING TEAM.  Priceless.  I'd be pissed at your video, but your inferiority complex is so fucking gargantuan I literally cannot stop laughing.

No Photo necessary.

Toronto -
What can I say, Canada's flagship fanbase even if they are a bunch of delusional drunk assholes.  Annually top three in attendance, blah blah blah, Canada doesn't have Nielsen Ratings, blah blah blah, etc.

Leafs Fans in a Picture:
You Knew it was Coming

Vancouver - 
Ah, the oft-forgotten west coast canucks.  Because nothing interesting ever happens on the west coast.  Another team that puts up solid numbers year after year not matter how often Roberto Luongo wants to disappoint them.  I'm just waiting for the playoffs when after a Canucks loss he skates to center ice and rips off his jersey to reveal a blackhawks/sharks/red wings/blackhawks/blackhawks jersey underneath.

Canucks Fans in a Picture:
Although They Do Have These Guys...

Washington - 
The Verizon Center is ROCKING!  Holy shit have you seen that place!  Ever since 2005-2006 anyways.  Seriously, grow a history.

Capitals Fans in a Picture:
Seriously, We Call it the Sp-Ed Division

Belated Hockey Fight of the Week: Broken Face Edition

Andrew Peters vs. Brian McGrattan

Monday, June 28, 2010

Words and Phrases that Should Die


How people define it:
A person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. usually a close friend or relative. you know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. it is not hard to spot the creeper.

This Picture has Been Manipulated so much it Actually Qualifies as a Cartoon

What it actually is:
An offensively unimaginative word devised by tacky, brain-dead college students (usually women) to describe people (usually men) they deem sinister, indecorous, uncouth, or otherwise unpleasant.

Today, the boy of my dreams finally noticed me.  He even asked for my number and texted me.  Turns out he is a complete creep, and spends his days playing Dragon Age.  So much for the boy of my dreams.  FML
---Lifesuck233 (woman)

My first introduction to this term, like many of my introductions to such vile pop-culture nonsense came from my ex girlfriend who possessed the remarkable combination of both having incredibly low self-esteem and thinking way to highly of her attractiveness and the response of the men around her to that attractiveness.

That's really what it's all about, low self esteem.  Women need to inflate their self worth, so they concoct this imaginary world where every guy that looks at them, begins a conversation with them, or generally wanders into the same square mile is "creeping on them."

Take the incredibly limited information we get from the FML entry above.  This woman (girl since she refers to him as the "boy of her dreams") expresses dismay that the object of her affection plays a relatively popular computer game.  Of course, this obviously labels him a "creep" even though he's must possess some social ability.  I mean, not only did he ask her for her phone number, but he did so in such a way that she was perfectly comfortable giving it to him.

I'll just break it down real simply for the girls that overuse this term.  We live in a world which requires a fair amount of face to face social interaction.  Since roughly 50% on this earth are male, roughly 50% of the people you interact with on a day to day basis will be male.  A good many of those guys will not be interested based solely on unavailability.  A good percentage of the rest will not be attracted to you for one reason or another (hint: VAPIDITY! (holy fuck is that actually a word?)).  Therefore you're probably not being creeped on at all!  Now go back to getting your crevice plundered by guys the rest of us wouldn't touch with a ten foot stick and a HazMat suit.


How People Use It:
When you're to poo' to go anywhere on vacation so you stay home.  (Thank you wtf99999999 for putting the Urban in Urban Dictionary).

What it is:
Well yeah, pretty much the above.

Why I hate it:
It just reeks of the inferiority complex and sheep mentality that most people in society have, as well as the utterly unrealistic perceptions of virtually everyone in management.

Vacations can be fun, but they can be a huge hassle.  There's driving or plane tickets, outrageous sums of money being spent on hotels and random fees.  They suck horribly as often as they are actually relaxing.  Meanwhile just taking a day or two off of work to sit around the house and relax usually ends up being very enjoyable and not the least bit aggravating (as many cube dwellers will confess).

The problem is that one of the above scenarios is socially acceptable, and the other is not.  So people invented a term to attempt to legitimize the unacceptable option.  Seriously, go tell your boss you want a four day weekend to see family that lives 600 miles away.  Hey great have fun!  Now go tell your boss you want a four day weekend to just relax at home and not do much of anything.  You asshole, you undedicated piece of shit, where's your work ethic, do you care about this job, do you?!?

This is where I'm not going to digress into a rant about past issues I've had with this phenomenon.  Instead I think justifications for practices that are perfectly normal, but frowned upon by society are criminally retarded.

My thought / I envision

How They're Used:
Random Coworker - What is your take on X?
Corporate Drone - My Thought/I Envision.....idea

What it Means:
I'm too spineless to actually say something so I'm going to add a modifier to everything I say to avoid having to take responsibility if no one agrees with me.  It's like adding "or not!" to the end of every suggestion, but slightly more professional. thought is...

In my colorful and sordid past, I had a few coworkers that used one of these two or both before virtually every single thing they said.  It was so bad that I started throwing it in to my own speech in casual conversation as a joke, often when it didn't even make any sense.

Personally, I like to be involved in the things I do, not maintain some kind of intellectual aloofness by using stupid phrases like the above.  I'm not so insecure as to need to leave myself an out to back away if an idea isn't viable.

I could go on and on with phrases if I really thought it, but I won't because no one likes a tldnr entry, and thinking is for chumps.  Most of these stupid new words are conjured out of peoples inability to be realistic and/or to cover for traits or actions that are perfectly normal.  And it's only getting worse.  It's like some horrible version of 1984 newspeak, except Big Brother is one of the actual former "cast members" of Big Brother.

All definitions from
Except for the ones for the last phrase.  Those are from
All pictures from the internet.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

24% of Americans are in Favor of Rape

Earlier today I posted this article to my facebook wall, and to the walls of everyone on my friends list that identified themselves as Catholic.  (For the sensitive, I have found a different source that does not contain the word fuck in the title.  Although if you're reading this blog, you've seen it enough already anyways).

The article is basically a teaser for a "Dan Rather Reports" special to air Tuesday June 29th at 11:00 PM on instances where Catholic churches have been found to be falsely declaring bankruptcy to avoid paying damages to victims that were abused by priests, sometimes at the behest of high ranking church officials.

This isn't really a huge deal to me.  I already thought the Catholic Church was pretty disgusting and basically an evil and immoral organization that isn't held to the same standards of society (strike me down IMitS!).  I mean the church is basically paying Priests to molest little boys and fuck their mothers.

I remember a few years ago when it was all the rage to boycott certain gas stations because the money that goes to pay for the oil can ultimately be traced back to terrorists.  Which made me think, if you're a god-fearing, church-going Catholic, aren't you basically funding rapists and child molesters?  I mean maybe your Priest is a good little uncastrated eunuch, but a percentage of tithing money makes its way up the ranks all the way to the top.  Some percentage of that money could be used to pay the annuity for the Priest mentioned in the article above, or others like him.

Seriously, the Catholic Church seems perfectly intent to play by its own rules, and no one seems to want to make them do otherwise.  The only way to get justice is to bring the Abuse issue into the limelight and for its members to GROW A MOTHER FUCKING SOUL and stop giving money to an organization that commits these atrocities.  Seriously Catholics, ball's in your court.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Rating How Women Perform in the Sack using Professional Athletes, one Fat Douchebag with a Lisp, and The King of Everything

Credit to Dehaas for the idea.

The Ryan Leaf - Slammin, super hot, then when you get her in bed she performs about as well get the idea.  Also known as the Alexander Daigle and the Marek Zagrapan.

The Donovan McNabb - It's going really well, you're almost there, then with thirty seconds to go she chokes and starts vomiting everywhere.

The Tyler Myers - She's only 19 or 20, looks 15 or 16, and performs like an all-star porn actress.

The Ben Roethlisberger - She rapes you in the bathroom with a strap-on while her body guard watches.  Also known as the Kobe and the Lawrence Taylor.

The Peyton Manning - Unbelievable, possibly record breaking sex when you're dating, mystifying awfulness when you're married.  Also known as the Joe Thornton, the Patrick Marleau, and the Evgeni Nabokov (see where I went with that?).

The Ryan Miller - Unquestioned awesomeness.  But goddamn, was she standing on a hill when she did her eyebrows?

The Vinny Testaverde - She's an older lady and still has some gas in the tank, but you know she's been with...well...everyone.

The Derek Roy - Short, cute, guys love her, and she likes going down.

The Clarke MacArthur/Drew Stafford - So corpse-like, most nights you have to wonder if she's even there.

The Trent Dilfer - Not flashy, no exciting stats, but she's gotten the job done like 16 nights in a row.

The Maxim Afinogenov - She might wake you with the best blowjob you've ever had and ever will have, she might try and stick her fist in your ass.  You just don't know and you're afraid to find out.

The Ales Kotalik - Huge rack, not much else.  Kind of lazy.

The Sean Avery/Dany Heatley/Daniel Alfredsson - Swallows.

The Sidney Crosby - Pretty god damned amazing, but she whines a lot.  Plus, is that a moustache?  What the fuck is that?

The Willis McGahee - Single handedly raising the population of your hometown!  Wear sixteen of them.

The J. P. Losman - Loves you, loves your neighborhood, gets along great with your family, but keeps pooping on the coffee table.

The Doug Flutie - That super awesome, super cute chick that was always awesome, but your parents made you dump her for the California blond who couldn't spell sex, let alone manage to have it.

The Bryan Murray - Constantly trying to talk with dick in her mouth.

The Paul Gaustad - A little hefty, not much skill, but she can do one thing REALLY well, and there's just something so endearing about her.  Honk.

The Jimmy Howard - Young, looks great, might perform well, then you get her naked and it becomes VERY obvious she's like 48 years old.

The Chris Chelios - You're 103, seriously, stop having sex.

The Ron Hextall - Awesome in bed, but the next morning your back is covered in scratches and you have a black eye.

The Brett Hull - Kind of obnoxious, and she cheated on you.

The Eric Staal - Faked every orgasm she's ever had.

The Dominik Hasek - Could single handedly redeem an entire shitty year...if her groin is feeling up to it.

The Steve Slaton/last few years L.T. - All your friends were going after her, and you were the lucky guy that ended up with her, only to find out she's either super religious and doesn't fuck, or she has a penis.  Or both.

The Marty Biron - Oh those eyes........and she cooks you pancakes.

The Zdeno Chara - Kind of ugly, sounds a bit like a wildebeest in bed and demands you quadruple wrap it.  Might hit you with her purse too.

The Dustin Byfuglien - Was pretty fat, then got the flu and lost some weight.  Now looks really attractive to just about everyone even though you know she's a train wreck/let-herself-go type waiting to happen.

The Brian Moorman - One of the best ever, plus she's really good at things no woman should know how to do.

The Steve Shields - Some guy tried to fuck with her friend and she BEAT THE EVER LOVING CRAP OUT OF HIM HOLLLLLY SHIT!

The Ilya Kovalchuk/Pacman Jones - Super talented, but can't get along with anyone.

The Marian Hossa - Great in bed, but got left at the altar like three years in a row.

The Tim Connolly - That really skinny chick you don't want to fuck because you're afraid of breaking her femur in six places by sneezing on her.

The Phil Kessel - Looks really good because she's surrounded by ugly people.

The Rick DiPietro - You married her WAY before you should have and then she got in a car accident and is in a coma.

The Carey Price/Scott Gomez/Brian Gionta/etc. - Pretty good, but has an elaborate ritual she needs to perform EVERY TIME before she has sex that lasts at least thirty minutes and completely kills your boner.  Plus afterward, no matter how mediocre it was she's going to get really trashed and destroy your apartment.

The Brett Favre - Doesn't want any more kids and gets her tubes tied.  Then untied.  Then tied.  Then untied.  Then tied.

The Aaron Rodgers/Steve Young - Better for you than your ex, but to you, still not nearly as good.

The Tom Brady - Huge bitch.

The Taro Tsujimoto - The invisible girlfriend you made up to quiet your parents.

The Gilbert Perreault - The first you ever had, the best you ever had and no one will come close.  HOW DARE YOU TRY!

The Daniel Briere/Chris Drury/Brian Campbell - Left you for your rich neighbor.  And you call her a bitch every chance you get even though she cried and asked you not to.

The Mark Mancari - Seems to have all the tools on paper, will never reach the status of girlfriend.

The Patrick Lalime - Performs pretty well pretty often despite appearing to be really wasted 100% of the time.

The Ed Belfour - Actually is wasted 100% of the time.

The John Tavares/Rick Nash - Pretty good, but lives in a dump of a city, so you'd never date her.

The Ilya Bryzgalov/Shane Doan/Brandon Yip/Martin Hanzal/etc. - Pretty fucking awesome, but she lives really far away.  She keeps telling you she's going to move nearby, but it doesn't seem like it's ever going to happen, even though moving to her current city was a stupid idea to begin with.

The Marty Turco - Perfect for rebounds!

The Chad OchoCinco - Talks a big game about her coital skills.  Really needs to shut up and practice more.

The Sean Avery II - Will do anything, any time, anywhere.  Just give her attention, please!?!

The Thomas Vanek - Had her vagina stepped on and sliced apart, but was fucking you like a champ a week later anyways.  And goddamn it was good.

The Vladimir Sobotka - So much of a pussy that even skinny wimpy Czechs can kick her ass.

The Chris Butler - Young and spectacular.  Then you got married and she put on 400 pounds and grew a beard.

The Daniel Sedin - Hot, good in bed, but you'd rather fuck her sister.

The Drew Brees - She went through a rough patch and you gave up on her, then found out from the new dude she's dating that she cooks like a five star chef, has no gag reflex, and fucks three times a day every day.

The Tony Romo - She looks like she has down syndrome.

And finally...

The Rick Jeanneret - She's been with you since you were born.  She is unquestionably the best in the business.  She excites you like no one else, and cares more than anyone ever could.  She is perfection.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

You're too Fat, or too Skinny and the World Hates You For It

"Real Women Have Curves."  Those four words pretty much make me want to punch babies.  Right up there with DRIIIIIIVE! and "Activated Defensemen."

Credit to Bolorz or whatever, whoever he/she is

This isn't sexy either...

I'm pretty much stepping right in the middle of World War III right here.  Seriously, on one side, you have the huge chicks that just rail on anyone under 120 pounds (because it's a fucking crime).  On the other side, weight is probably the number one, go to, low-hanging-fruit insult for assholes and has been since Ugga the cavewoman ate too much velociraptor.

I mean look, I'll come right out and say it, I go after thinner girls.  My first four girlfriends weighed probably around 120 (5'11"), 100 (5'0"), 105 (5'2") and 95 (4'9").  So it tends to piss me off more to see someone disparagingly say "real women have curves" knowing that the tone often caries the same malice that those larger women were subjected to when they were ridiculed.  This is not a good solution to a very real problem, that the media implies that there are certain benchmarks that women have to hit for height and weight in order to look good.

In the United States, about 5% of all women have an eating disorder.  About 33% are obese.  Can you tell me which is the real problem?  If you didn't answer both, you are wrong.

Let's be honest, the media in this country does portray women unrealistically.  Let's be even more honest.  Most models suck and look really disgusting.  (While we're being honest, can we admit to ourselves that a large percentage of this country needs to lay off the ho-hos?) 

I understand that image is important, but the amount of touch-ups that are done to professional photos is ridiculous.  The women that grace magazine covers aren't realistic in the slightest.  It's disgusting the amount of photo-manipulation that goes on, most of which is wholly unnecessary.  I once ran a poll about the hottest woman in the country (Kate Beckinsale won), and I included mostly candid, untouched photos.  And they still looked fucking fantastic.

Kate Beckinsale does not need your photoshop

It's so freaking unnecessary to retouch every god damn photo in a magazine.  My ex almost never wore makeup and she always looked great.
 Not Pictured: Common Sense

I repeat, women have a legitimate beef with magazine editors and modeling agencies.  They do.  But at the same time, tossing your hair back and huffing "real women have curves" at every skinny girl you see isn't the answer.  (Hint: It's pissing them off.  My 5'2" skinny 120 pound friend is as real a woman as anyone).  I sympathize with women, it's probably the same feeling we get when you're drooling over Rob Pattinson (who is fucking ugly you morons), or Taylor Lautner's impossible abs.

The media really stereotypifies and pigeon-holes what men and what women should be, and both images are unfair.  But bitching back and forth about it really isn't the answer. 

Instead of this "real man" or "real women" bullshit, can't we just admit that there is no blueprint for a real woman or a real man?

Always Real, Always Gorgeous

Some other shit, idk.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ripping on FML Submissions: Because Most of them Deserve It

Today, I found out that my colleagues don't add me on Facebook so that they can publicly put me down in their statuses without me knowing.  My boss liked the one which said that I talk too much, FML.
---by Cleo (Woman)

First of all, she probably does.  But it's funny how adults bitch and moan about technology but they're just as guilty of abusing it as the rest of us.  Coughsabresdrunkiecough.  Plus most of them have unresolved pent-up issues they're just looking to take out on someone anonymously!

Today, I realized that I'm truly, deeply in love and I think I've found my soul-mate.  It's my fiance's best friend. FML
---by princess (Woman)

I've got one.  Today I realized that I watched way the fuck too many Disney movies when I was going through puberty and ended up with a completely unrealistic view on love and relationships.  Better yet, I found someone who will actually put up with my immature bullshit, but I got bored and latched onto the next available male.  And I call myself princess because I'm a whore...FML

Today I was sitting on my couch watching a movie with my girlfriend, she was eating Doritos.  I lean over to give her a kiss, and instead of kissing me back, she decides it would be hilarious to blow half-chewed Dorito mush into my mouth. FML
---by Datingablond17 (Man)

Well come on, that is hilarious.  Open yourself a bag of sense of humor.

There Might be Something to this Whole Soccer Thing

I hadn't watched any World Cup games prior to this point.  I caught snippets of the USA - England match on the radio, and generally followed when I could.  Soccer just isn't that interesting a sport to me.

Still, with elimination looming on the horizon, I found myself waking up at 10:00 this morning to catch the USA - Algeria match that, along with England - Slovenia, would decide who advanced into the elimination stage.

I actually made it awake by around 10:05 and only missed the first three minutes of the match.  Still tired, I sat on my couch watching the action undistracted for a while.  The United States, after nearly giving up the early lead basically missed chance after chance the entire match.

The world seemed against us when yet another legitimate USA goal was disallowed early on in the game.  As the game wore on, Algeria seemed pretty content to draw it and ruin the United States's chances to advance.  Add to that their diving and rampant cheap play, and you have a team that really should be ashamed of itself and deserved to be sent packing.

When the ninety minutes was up, the score was still 0-0 despite probably four or five prime opportunities by the United States.  But this is soccer, where wizards magically decide to put extra time on a game at the end of the half and the end of the game.  So there were still four minutes to be played.  The United States didn't even need half of it, putting the game winning goal in the back of the net at 90 minutes +1.

To which the eight Slovenians that exist promptly shat themselves.  (It's small).  So the United States prevails and in fact wins its group, something that hasn't been done since like the Eisenhower administration or something.

There are times when you're ashamed to be an American, and times when you just want to piss everyone else off because you can.  Let's riot and burn shit Montreal style.


Random Hockey Fight

Andrew Peters vs. Donald Brashear
Boom shaka laka

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Sabres 2010-2011 Wish List

Everyone is doing it, so I might as well join.  This is my offseason wish list for next season.  Now look, this really isn't my thing and I'm not good at it, I'm just having some fun.

First of all, we can get rid of some guys without having to worry about complicated things like trades!
I would let Raffi Torres, Matt Ellis, Adam Mair, Henrik Tallinder, and Patrick Lalime walk.  I wanted to let Toni Lydman walk and sign Anton Volchenkov, but it just seems like that would be a downgrade.  Volchenkov played worse in the playoffs, puts up fewer points and battles injuries every season.

I would sign Mike Grier to a one year, $1M contract ($200k downgrade).
I would sign Patrick Kaleta to a three year, $800k per contract.
I would sign Cody McCormick to a two year $550k per contract.
I would sign Tim Kennedy to a two year, $750k per contract.
I would sign Lydman to a two year $3.2M per contract.

That leaves us with

Vanek ($6.4M) - Roy ($4M) - Stafford ($2.3M)
Pominville ($5.5M kill me) - Connolly ($4.5M) - Hecht ($3.5M)
Ennis ($875k) - Gaustad ($2.5M goddamnit) - Kennedy ($750k)
Grier ($1M) - McCormick ($550k) - Kaleta ($800k)

Myers ($875k) - ?????
Montador ($1.55M) - Lydman ($3.2M)
Butler ($585k) - Rivet ($3.5M)
Sekera ($1.25M)

Miller ($6.25M)

As far as the cap is concerned that would put us at about $49M out of $56.8M giving us $7M for three roster spots depending on how you feel about Sekera on any given night.  Now, I'd rather shoot my left testicle with a paintball gun than bring all seven of Connolly, Roy, Gaustad, Stafford, Sekera, Butler, and Pominville back.  Pominville's contract probably makes him unmovable, so we're probably stuck with him.  Moving Roy, Connolly, Stafford, and Gaustad might not be out of the question.  The same goes for Sekera and Butler, but you have to ask yourself is there any potential for growth left?  Which leaves us with:

Vanek ($6.4M) - ????? - ?????
Pominville ($5.5M kill me) - ????? - Hecht ($3.5M)
Kennedy ($750k) - Ennis ($875k) - Grier ($1M)
????? - McCormick ($550k) - Kaleta ($800k)

Myers ($875k) - ?????
Montador ($1.55M) - Lydman ($3.2M)
????? - Rivet ($3.5M)

Butler ($585k)
Sekera ($1.25M)

Miller ($6.25M)


Giving us about $20 M to fill 5-6 spots.  You really have to ask yourself what Tyler Ennis is ready for.  Part of me wants to put him on the second line between Pominville and Hecht, but he might not be there yet.

Fourth Line LW:
The first position I tried to fill was that fourth line left winger.  My top three choices would be:
Ben Eager - 26 years -  7-9-16, -9, $965k
Eric Nystrom - 27 years - 11-8-19, even, $775,000
Brad Winchester - 29 years - 3-5-8, +3, $800k

With Eager and Nystrom probably more third liners, and both probably returning to their teams, my choice is Brad Winchester.  at 6-5, 228 pounds and logging ten fights last season, he is the big bruiser you want beating the piss out of people that run Kaleta.  I think we could offer Winchester a contract for not much more than he makes now.  Let's say $850k.

Backup Goaltender:
The next position I took a shot at was backup goaltender.  I pretty much agree with Phil over at BBG  that Hedberg, Budaj, and Biron are the best choices:
Martin Biron - .896 sv, 3.27 GAA (9-14-4) - $1.4M
Johan Hedberg - .915 sv, 2.62 GAA (21-16-6) - $1.175M
Peter Budaj - .917 sv, 2.64 GAA (5-5-2) - $1.25M

I know a lot of Buffalonians would like to see Marty back, and I count myself among them.  Personally I think that Marty still has quite a bit left in the tank, and his stats on a pretty pathetic Isles team are a bit misleading.  What I don't know is how willing he would be to come back, and take a pay cut.  I don't like getting into the $1.5M-$2M range for a backup goaltender, especially one that might ride the pine a lot to Ryan Miller.  No one saw significantly more shots on goal per game than anyone else so the stats are what they are.

I hesitate on Hedberg because of his age, though he might be the most likely to accept a backup role.  He actually had a career year last year at age 37.  That's the kind of thing that doesn't happen twice.  I'd pass on him.

That leaves Budaj.  Now I know I've expressed some distaste for him, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea.  He's been pretty consistent and he played for a Colorado team that had to rely on its goalies often to win games last season.  Sound familiar?  It's seriously a coin flip between those two.  Marty has the x-factor, the love of the area, and he'll piss me off less if he blows a game, so he gets the nod.  Hopefully a one year $1.2M contract isn't asking too much of him?

First and Second/Third Pairing Defenseman:
On to those two defensive spots.  Once again we have to deal with the dreaded P-word.  Potential.  Will Andrej Sekera and Chris Butler meet theirs, or are we wasting time?  Lindy Ruff pretty much played musical suck with them all season, and while Butler got more games, Sekera had the better year.  God damnit I miss Nathan Paetsch who was NEVER a minus player (unless you count the year he only played one game).  So what do you do?  I say flip a coin, trade one, keep the other on as a seventh defenseman, hope they improve their game, and fill that spot with someone who doesn't make you cry.  Let's say that Butler suffered a simple sophomore slump and Craig Rivet not being 100% all year hurt his play more than we think, and Sekera leaves.  He's probably the more attractive player to trade anyways.  With the Winchester and Biron signings that leaves $19M to fill two defensive spots, and a first line C, RW, and second line C.  Ouch.

My Top four guys for those two defenseman spots are as follows.
Sergei Gonchar - minus 4 - $5.5M
Paul Martin (coming off injury) - plus 10, $4.5M
Zybnek Michalek - plus 5, $1.5M
Dennis Seidenberg - plus 6, $2.25M

I like the idea of signing Michalek and Martin a lot.  Question is, can we match what Phoenix will offer Michalek.  I have no god damn clue.  Let's say we sign Michalek at $2.5M per, and Martin at  $5.5M per.  That leaves us with $11M (roughly) to fill three spots on the top two lines that I probably should have thought about first.

First Line RW:
I don't really know anything about trades so I don't want to go into great detail there, we'll just say that somehow we wind up with Patrick Sharp at $4.2M to play top line right wing.  That pretty much makes it all but impossible to wind up with Patrick Marleau and fill the second line center spot unless Ennis is up to that challenge.  It's a lot easier to fill a third line center spot than it is a second line center spot.  Either way it's not necessarily a bad thing as no one disappears in the playoffs like Patrick Marleau.

First and Second Line C:
That leaves $6.8M to fill two center spots.  Not exactly great, especially considering that Marleau is the only knockout first line center available.  So you can do one of a few things.  You could keep either Connolly or Roy, OR let Lydman walk, pray to god Butler doesn't suck and Weber is a capable 7th defenseman, which saves you around $2.5M and gives you an opportunity to sign a Marleau ($7M), and Alexander Steen ($2.3M) to play first and second line center respectively and hope to Christ that just like Peyton Manning, they have to have a clutch postseason eventually. So let's do that, which would give us:

Vanek ($6.4M) - Marleau ($7M) - Sharp ($4.2M)
Pominville ($5.5M) - Steen ($2.3M) - Hecht ($3.5M)
Kennedy ($750k) - Ennis ($875k) - Grier ($1M)
Winchester (850K) - McCormick ($550k) - Kaleta ($800k)

Myers ($875k) - Martin ($5.5M)
Michalek ($2.5M) - Montador ($1.55M)
Butler ($575k) - Rivet ($3.5M)
Weber ($563.8k)

Miller ($6.25M)
Biron ($1.2M)

Grand total of $56,238,800 in salary doled out to the above players and a pretty good team on the ice to boot.  Will it happen?  Probably not.  A couple of the moves stand a good chance, Sharp, Martin and maybe Michalek.

Just my thoughts and fun playing around with salaries and potential openings.  Enjoy.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Upsets in Sports Suck: A Bit of Truth

Unless your team is the upsetter, then they're more delicious than Alexander Hamilton's rotting corpse to Zombie Thomas Jefferson.

Brains indeed Good Sir

Upsets fucking suck.  They really do.  Of course, to any rule there are exceptions.  When your team is the highly undervalued underdog, they're sweet, no question about it.  And when the upset puts a ginormous dent into such an evil entity as the BCS, they're pretty fucking fantastic.  But after that (aside from the once in a lifetime upset) are they really any fun?

I think they're really fucking obnoxious.  It's great to have a mentality going into the playoffs that "anything can happen," but I personally prefer some semblance of importance to the regular season, and most fans would agree with me.

What's that?  You think I'm wrong?  When a major upset happens the ratings DO tend to go up because the nation's interest is piqued.  Anything other than a once in a lifetime upset however, causes ratings to go down.  Consider the five worst rated Super Bowls of the past fifteen years.

  • Denver vs. Atlanta - 1999  (Falcons upset a 15-1 Vikings team in the NFC Championship)
  • Baltimore vs. NJ Giants - 2001 (Giants, while the NFC's 1 seed, upset a favored Minnesota Vikings team in the NFC Championship.  The Ravens came in as the AFC's fourth seed, upsetting Tennessee and Oakland along the way)
  • New England vs. St. Louis - 2002 (People forget New England was the second seed this year, but they upset the third best defense in the league, Pittsburgh, in the AFC Championship)
  • Oakland vs. Tampa Bay - 2003 (Tampa Bay ran through the popular Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC Championship en route to the Super Bowl)
  • New England vs. Philadelphia - 2005 (New England defeated a 15-1 Steelers squad in the AFC Championship to get to the Super Bowl)

If an upset is sufficiently rare, people will watch, but by and large if a championship doesn't pit the two best teams in either league, no one cares.  (Note that while the Super Bowl's gargantuan ratings can hardly be interpreted as no one caring, by "NFL definitions" the above games constitute no one caring).

Think of it this way, how awful would the Super Bowl have been this past year if it was the NJ Jets vs. the Minnesota Vikings?  Maybe it would have been a great game, who knows, but would people have wanted to watch?  Would you?  Unless you're a Patriots, Jets, or Vikings fan, the answer is probably no.

We as Americans, when we're done looking after our own interests, appreciate justice.  And once our team is out and our interests served (aka that team of faggots that beat us loses) we generally like to see the two best teams compete for the championship.  It makes sense, it seems fair, and it cuts down on thoughts like "those mooks are in the finals?  Fuck, that could have been us."

Team of Faggots

Seriously, which is more appealing NBA fans?  Boston - LA, or Orlando - Phoenix (Note, even though Boston was the Underdog, I think they were still favored in their series).

What about NHL Fans?  Chicago - Philly, or Montreal - San Jose  (Actually they both kind of suck because Philly and Montreal were the fucking 7th and 8th seeds)

World Cup Fans - Argentina - Brazil, or Paraguay - Ghana?

I rest my case.

50th Post! Hockey Fight of the Week

Rob Ray vs. Dennis Bonvie
Paul Kruse vs. Doug Zmolek

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Ideal Woman: Criminally Vulgar Style

It's not what you think!

It's a little bit what you think.

I mean really, this one seems to be right in my wheelhouse.  We'll go with subservient, no gag reflex, fucks like a porn star, looks like a porn star (without the herpes) and doesn't want kids please.  Thank you.

But no, the purpose of this entry is to explore the ideal WOMAN.  Not fuck toy.

Now that I've gotten that bit out, the difficult part, figuring out what I actually like in a human being of the female variety.  I think that perhaps the best way to do that would be to pull the traits I liked best from the women I've dated and combine those with the traits I haven't had the joy of experiencing in a romantic partner.

Kindness - It seems stupidly obvious that you'd want your life partner to be a nice person.  Still, it's kind of surprising how many women (or men for that matter) lack the simple quality of decency.  That's one of the things I remember about my first girlfriend, that she was an unrelentingly kind person.  I definitely like someone with a sense of selflessness and respect for other people because I try to embody those qualities myself.  I like a certain "aww" factor.

Intelligence - By now, you're probably going, this is retarded.  Of course everyone wants a girl that is nice and intelligent.  Who wants someone bitchy and stupid?

But I don't care if she knows the capital of Maine, or that making your body 56% plastic and silicone is a really terrible idea (I bet you'd bounce like a superball though).  I like an inherent intelligence that can't be acquired, a certain level of snarkiness that some people just possess.  One that thinks rearranging the letters in a hardware store to spell PHALLUS is funny because it will stay like that all day since most of the employees won't get it.

A Certain Lack of Inhibitions - An ex of mine had no qualms about making out atop the dryers in the laundry room at college.  And it was awesome.  Now granted there can be too much of a good thing, and I'd rather not date a girl looking to get Eiffel-Towered on the subway.  But there is a distinct amount of fun in mortifying the people around you because you've got the confidence to create the perfect awkward moments.

Good - When at the grocery store buying items for the salad that's going with dinner, she decides that in addition to carrots, cucumbers, and celery, that it's the perfect time to replenish our stores of condoms and lube.

Better - When someone in the checkout line notices and tries to act like they didn't, she whispers loudly "I don't think that lady's getting her daily vegetable intake if you know what I mean."

Best - Some of the condoms are already on the vegetables.  You know...just to be safe.

Google Image Search seriously yielded pages upon pages of similar images from different sources.  Thank you internet for protecting the nation's vegetables.

Athleticism - One of the more endearing qualities to my fourth ex (and the first girl I loved) was that even though she couldn't kick my ass at anything, she'd give it her best shot, and she'd come damn close.  A lot of guys are intimidated by a woman that knows and plays sports, feeling like it's a crack at their manhood if they're not significantly more athletic and more knowledgeable than their girl.

Personally, I'm the opposite.  I love sports, I love watching them, and I love playing them, why wouldn't I want to share that with someone?  Plus I tend to embrace my indoorsy side, so I like having someone that encourages me to go out and do stuff.

A Blend of Tomboyishness and Femininity - To me, nothing is sexier than a girl who wants to go toe to toe with me in an athletic forum, and wear my clothes, and yet still cuddle up and be the little spoon when we settle down to watch a movie.  I love, love, love strong, independent, and intelligent women, but I also love softness, sensitivity, and even a bit of clinginess in a girl.  Maybe the best way to say it, is in public I like when people wonder who the guy in the relationship is, and in private, I like it to be pretty clear that I am.  Sue me.

So what have I been lacking so far?

Artistry - Probably the biggest quality I want in someone is a sense of artistry, be it writing, drawing, painting, whatever.  I realize that the artistic type might be lacking some of the above qualities (like athleticism), but I don't care.  I've been around enough stodgy uninteresting engineers to know that I need someone with a creative soul.

Can Pull off Short Hair - I haven't really included any physical characteristics to this point largely because they don't fucking matter.  They do, but they really don't.  My only hard line requirement is generally smaller than me.  Beyond that, I can't really consistently give a body-type that I prefer.  I just know what I like physically, and I know it when I see it.  However, for some reason, short hair has started to look really good to me lately.

A Nerdiness that Overlaps at least Slightly With My Own - I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, The X-Files, Star Trek, Webcomics, Futurama, Indie Movies, antiques, Autobiographies.  Match up with me on a few, and you're good to go.  I like spending a lot of time with my partner, so it is essential that we have very similar interests.  If she likes comic books and anime, that's pretty sweet.  She can teach me.  If she's way more indie than I will ever be, all the better.  And if she cosplays, I'll marry her.

A Healthy Interest in Sex, and Fetish Play - Oh shit.  Do you hear that?  It's all my credibility as a decent guy and a nice person slipping away because I mentioned sex.  Because for some reason, the second a guy mentions that he likes sex he's just...ugh, typical man.

I'm sorry (I'm not actually sorry), but I recognize that people have different sex drives, and I need someone that is a match for mine.  Specifically I need someone that can match my peculiarities and perversions.  What's the point of having fantasies if you can't at least act out a few of them.  I like rope, I will always like rope, and my partner needs to be comfortable with it as well.  I realize that admission is going to be strange, even distasteful to some, but everyone has their kinks.  To be honest, I think those that prefer under the covers, missionary sex to be the most fucked up of us all.

So let's recap and see how unrealistic I'm being!

I want someone who is:
Not Easily Embarrassed
A blend of tomboyish and feminine qualities
Artistic (okay at the expense of athleticism)
Can pull off short hair.
Sexually Active (in the wants it more than once a week sense)
and Sexually Deviant

Hmm, actually that doesn't seem so bad, especially since I think every girl contains some degree of tomboyishniss, femininity, nerdiness and sexual deviance.

So where is she?